Social skills, try 2

So our never ending search for a social skills group for S continues.  On the one hand, I’m a little picky for her to find a good fit.  On the other hand, it’s been difficult to find it out there.

I didn’t want to go too far or too late at night.  I have to think of both S and M.  How well would a social skills group be for S if she were so tired or a long drive away after school?  There are lots of groups popping up, too.  Then I started to question if the person was really qualified.  Most groups were run by social workers.  Now speech pathologists,  occupational therapists, and physical therapists were running them, too.  If no initial evaluation was done, then how do you know if your child’s abilities will match another one’s in the group?  What if the group was too advanced for S?  Or if S was too advanced for the group?  I had seen both.  One was a very low functioning group, and others were asking way too much of her.  When I hear of groups up to 6 children per 1 therapists, I think that’s too many. A group of 2, 3, or 4 max was acceptable to me.  S needs very small group attention for social skills.  She can answer most questions initially, but the more complicated ones freeze her.  Also, she doesn’t carry the conversation well back.  Asking someone else questions based on what information they have given her doesn’t come naturally to her.  S’s conversations are more observation statements that are hard to build on for others.  For example, she’ll point out to another, “OH, we have the same juice box.”  They answer, “yeah, we do.”  Smiling at each, and pleased, but then the conversation is dropped.

S’s time with Step and Kev are great.  Yet it’s 1-1 therapy.  She can learn from how they foster the conversation, but it would be better with peers.  She’s in group therapies at school.  Speech once is a week is with one girl, and the other time in the week is with 2 boys.  OT is done in the classroom once, and with a group of 3 boys on the other day.  These are good opportunities for her, but we believed she needed some more.

We have been modeling and correcting as much as we can without making it overly obvious and therefore stressing her out.  But we’d like her to be able to do it with her own peer group.

So I tried one out today.  A social skills group.  It’s with movement, too.  This one place I had been going back and forth to has mostly been boy groups only.  I don’t think S would mind so much, but another girl would have even the balanced.  S is not a girly girl, but she does like the company of some girls, although she usually bonds very well with boys.

Today’s group was just her and another girl.  Maybe next week, 1 or 2 girls might be added.  S was reluctant to go in at first.  She recognized the facilitator, actually.  He recognized her, too.  He is a Physical Therapist at her school!  S wanted me to go in with her, but I told her I was busy paying, and it was kids only.  She walked in with tears in her eyes.  Within 5 min, I heard both girls yelling and giggling.

The next 1/2 hr, I could hear all 3 of them.  They were having a great time.  M was playing next to me with a bunch of things I brought.  All I heard from her for the 30 min was how much she wanted to go in a play, too.  M has been dragged to every therapy of S’s since she was 6 months old.  All she knows is I take S to these places where S gets to play, and comes out with stickers or lollipops.  M got a taste of it when she spent a session with Kev (another post later).  She is so dying to get in there, too.  I don’t know how to explain it to her either.  I don’t want to say it’s because S needs these things and she doesn’t.  It’s the truth, but I don’t want to put it as the haves and have nots.  Nor do I want to explain that these are S’s difficulties, because M would be put it out there without any thought for sensitivity.  I imagine them coloring together, and M casually saying, “S, you do all these things because you need a lot of extra help since you have trouble with these things.  But I don’t have any, right Mommy?”

So I’m left with really not having any explanation for her which actually is terrible, too.

I’m happy to say, S came out of social skills today smiling from ear to ear.  She thought it was great.  She made a new friend and had a ton of fun.  The facilitator, we’ll call him FACM, said that the girls were a good match together.  Both are wiggly, have some balancing issues, have some motor planning difficulties, and need some help with the conversation flow.  I’m hoping this turns into more conversation than movement therapy, but that doesn’t hurt either.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

the well-visit

I can’t tell you how much I hate to take S to any doctor or dental visits.  S used to be in love with the pediatrician as a baby.  Smiled, ooohhh and ahhhed, played with the stethescope. Our first pediatrician laughed heartily and said, “You like me now.  Wait until you are 15 months.  You will cry when you see me.”  She beamed at him at 15 months.  At 17 mths, S had a high fever, and we went to the drs office.  She was thrashing and crying.  They had to do a strep culture.  She went ballistic.  Since then, she has always cried walking through the doors.

At S’s 2 yr well visit, we had moved and saw a new pediatrician.  I was 6 mths pregnant with M.  S put up such a stink, I got handed several brochures on temper tantrums, stubborn children, how to manage a difficult child, etc.  I had several questions about her speech, too.  All that was said was that S was on the low side of average.  She wasn’t putting words together but she had over 50 words in her vocab.  So off we went.

Year after year, they got a little better, but it still ended in tears, regardless if there were shots involved.

We have been riding a decent wave over the last 2 mths or so.  S has been sick several times this fall and winter.  Her sick visits to the doctor actually went well.  She didn’t cry about getting her temperature taken or her ears looked at.  So I went into this visit more optimistic than any other.  S did not disappoint.

S walked into the exam room, and allowed the nurse to ask both of us questions.  She went to get weighed, measured her height, and got her blood pressure taken.  She had to do a hearing test this time, too.  2 years ago they did a different one, and she cried through most of it.  This was, she was anxious, but she sat through it.  I took her hands and massaged her hands and wrists in my warmed hands.  It seemed to relax her.  She did the vision test with the eye patch without any issue.

I thought maybe sitting in the exam room in her underwear would have thrown her.  S sat casually, swinging her legs.  Sitting by the dock of the bay came to mind for me.  The Dr came in, and S greeted her with a “Oh, there you are. I’m ready.”  She answered the drs questions, promising to stop biting her nails (I think she lied.)  She smiled through the whole exam, comfortable.  She did the scoliosis touch the toes exam, and said, “This is so silly.”

When it was over, S shook hands with the Dr and said, “We’ll see each other next year, right?”

I’m amazed at how many changes have come over her in the last few months alone.  Definitely year to year comparisons for any child are incredible.  But a few months time does wonders sometimes.  It can’t last forever.  So I’m going to soak it all in for all it’s worth.  And count my many blessings.

The Law

I’ve sat through a few talks now, lectures, if you will, about how to navigate the school system through the law.  Do you know that in the state of NJ, as I’m sure there are in all states, a code for Special Education.  It’s an incredibly lengthy section of the state laws on education, but they basically spell out all of your child’s and your parental rights in the schools.  This is our gold mine as a parent.  It’s clear.  It’s written. It’s all right there.  I can not tell you how many parents I’ve already met that have no idea that it exists.  Every teacher, parent, advocate I have met in the last 2 years has strongly stated to me to know my rights.  Know the code.  Only then can I truly be an advocate for my child in the school system.

At first, to be honest, I was naive about it.  I came from a school where I did all I could to advocate for the child.  I often went head to head with parents because they didn’t want to see what I was seeing.  They didn’t want to hear about what their child was struggling with.  As a parent, I can definitely understand where they are coming from.  It’s not easy to hear criticism about your child, even if it’s not meant to be taken that way.  I spoke to the child’s therapists and parents.  I consulted with my principle, the school psychologist, other teachers, just to be in a better position to educate the child in my classroom.  So when I was told about learning the code for Special Ed, I also assumed the school was going to work with us, inform us and be on top of it all.  We had case managers that I thought were going to be on the front line as S’s advocate.

I have been proven wrong on many fronts.

The Case managers are social workers for the school district.  In my short experience in this process, they are almost futile.  I hate to be that critical, but truths are truths.  They are nice, well-meaning people.  They are paper pushers. They return some emails, return less phone calls.  I have no idea how often they have actually gone in to see my child in their classroom.  I don’t think you can advocate well, if you observe them maybe 3 or 4 times a year for 10 min at a time.  It’s simply not enough to be an advocate.  Maybe you get a little window, a slight pulse, but to go out there ready to bat for someone. No way.  I have found our case managers to give decent lip service, but they are lazy.  They don’t want to do too much.  Personally, they have a huge case load.  Overworked and underpaid.   Still, I wonder where these people came from and why they are still there.  It takes a lot for me to say someone is incompetent.  So I won’t say it yet.  But I have some reservations on how they can possibly advocate for my child when they hardly know them.

We have been blessed by S’s great teachers in the district.  I know we won’t be lucky every year.  But so far, they’ve been great.  However, they are working in the district and sometimes have their hands tied.  How they are and what they say when it’s just parent to teacher is sometimes different when you add the administrator into play.  A backseat, and observer.  There are politics going on there that we have no idea about, but it ends up playing out with my daughter’s IEP on the line.

We asked for simple things in S’s IEP last spring when we were getting it ready for the fall.  The district was reluctant to give it to us.  Excuses about we have to see how they do it at your elementary school or we can’t guarantee that for you.  The law is in place and doesn’t change school to school within the district.  I wanted to go observe other Kindergarten classrooms that had classified children in it to see how it all ran.  I was completely roadblocked. I knew my rights.  I was absolutely allowed to go in, as many times as I wanted!  In the end, the head of special services talked to the principle of the school, and came back with a compromise for me.  I was given a ton of excuses (which I thought were all sensible but bullshit nonetheless).  The compromise was to let a Kindergarten teacher call me, and I could ask her questions.  I was warned to not rattle this principle before I even get through the door.  The fact that we would be at this school for S’s 5 years there, and M’s 5 years there, and I knew I would have to make things work, I chose the compromise.  But what a load of crap!  We have rights, they can be violated.  Yet, you still have to work with what you got to make it as good as you can get it.  Why does the process have to be so difficult?

I have heard stories where teachers, administrators, case managers flat out lie.  You can call them out on it based on the NJ code for Special Education.  They get angry that you have called their bluff and hold it against you for the rest of your dealings with them.  Isn’t there something severely wrong with this picture?

In the end, the school has to protect themselves.  The case managers have to fall in line with the head of Special Services that has his own agenda and budget to consider.  So in the end, everyone is right.  You, as the parent, are the only ones that can truly be the advocate for your child.  And that doesn’t come without it’s own hardships.  Emotionally, mentally, sometimes financially.  It’s a lot to deal with.  Put all that aside, we step up to the plate, and we are seen as the crazy ones.  Those crazy parents!  But can you blame any of these parents?

So I went, printed out the 50 pages or so of this code.  I went at it with a pen and a green highlighter.  This is my responsibility for my daughter for at least the next 3 years.  At the end of the day, I don’t want to unknowingly be cheated because I didn’t know enough to ask the questions.  I don’t want to have the wool pulled over my eyes and accept what they say just because the district says so.  I have know that we are on the up and up, because I already have learned that they won’t disclose some things.  They think I don’t know.  So parents out there, know your rights.  Know what you have to learn to be in the best position to advocate.  I’m not saying distrust the school district.  But don’t go in thinking their word is absolute.  Be a little weary.  You need to trust a little.  You need to trust yourself more.

sleepwalking?

The week after New Year’s, S came down with her 2nd fever in 3 weeks.  She was sick the week of her birthday.  The week following New Years, same thing.  It started with a high fever.  She vomited once in the morning, developed a cough later in the week.  But in between, she ran a fever for about 4 days.

Somewhere in that time, I gave her a dose of Children’s Motrin at bedtime.  About an hour and a half into her sleep, she would wake up.  We would hear her flip over, or maybe a foot hit the wall.  Something.  She might be up for a little bit, and then went back to sleep.  We figured it was about when her fever would break from the medication, and she would be sweaty.  Twice out of that week, she actually got out of bed and opened the door.  We put her back to bed without any issue.

S has always been a good sleeper.  If she woke, she was able to eventually fall back asleep.  When she was a baby, she would wake about 45 min after falling asleep, and wake crying.  She eventually got over that.  So after she recovered from her virus, when S started waking up, walking out of her room , and standing in the doorway began, we were a bit surprised.  In a 2 week time, it was every few days.  In the past 4 nights, it’s been every night.

When we see her, S is not crying or saying anything.  She is standing in the doorway with her eyes open.  When we ask her if she wants anything to drink or has to go to the bathroom, she says no.  When asked what she wanted, she said that she just wanted to go back to sleep.  We tuck her in, and she falls right back to sleep. In the morning, she has no recollection of getting up.  I’ve tried asking her several different ways.  But nothing.  She doesn’t seem to remember.

I’m a bit miffed.  Here’s a child who hasn’t had sleep issues, really, since she was Ferberized at 6mths old.  Suddenly, over the course of 2 weeks, she’s up, walking around her room, walking out of her room, and put back to bed, with no memory?  Is it considered sleep walking?  She is responding, so I would think not.  She’s not emotional or violent when she’s in this state.  But she can’t recall ever waking.

I’m a bit miffed.  We have to go to the pediatrician for her well visit next week.  I’m glad to ask the questions!

Does anyone else have this issue, even a little similar?

a surprising observation

I wrote about the holidays in my last post.  One of the best holidays for me and my family.  The visit from my husband’s brother and his family was so wonderful.  But for me, it’s not just seeing them, and getting back in touch.  It’s so much more.

When my husband and I got married, hell-even when we started dating, I felt all eyes were on us from his family.  He is the eldest.  His father is the eldest.  So in a long line of aunts, uncles, and cousins, he’s the first.  I felt like I was under a microscope.  How good was his girlfriend?  How pretty was she?  How tall was she?  Where was she from?  What kind of a family did she come from?  As they got to know me, bit by bit the pressure fell away.  From most of his extended family and his grandmother, they were all pretty accepting of me.  When we announced our engagement, we had dated for 5 years.  They were ready for it.

His parents were a different story.  They are just hard to get a good read from.  His dad is rather aloof when he is with family, and his mother, she communicates but sometimes says things inappropriate or direct with a smile.  It leaves you a bit uneasy, wondering if you should be offended or laugh it off.  Over the years, we have had many situations between us.  As far as a relationship goes, as much as I bitch about it, I know that my MIL could be so much worse.  However, it doesn’t take away the sting of some thing that she has done or said.

With the arrival of my sister-in-law into this family came comraderie and friendship.  My brothers wives didn’t get along for years.  Their children are all the same ages, and get along great.  But they rarely see each other.  They live far away from each other.  For 2 brothers that weren’t close in adulthood, I felt their wives wedged a bigger hole in my family that was once so much more close-knit.  My father related a story to me of a friend of his.  When the 2nd son was getting married, the mother took her future daughter-in-law and chatted.  She said her sons were close brothers, and the only way that family was going to work was if she got along well with the 1st daughter-in-law.  I thought it was brilliant and so obvious.  But not something we had ever consciously tried.  So when C came into our lives, I felt it out.  She was so outgoing, relaxed, and didn’t care about the older/younger in law status.  We became instant friends.  We were in the same boat with crazy stories of dealing with this family.  She was my sister, and I was crushed that they lived so far away.

We made it through our New Years experience together.  We knew that our MIL didn’t want to go to their aunt’s home.  We all went at the pursuasion of our husbands’ grandmother.  While there, I noticed that nobody spoke to my MIL.  On one hand, she was rather standoffish, probably pissed that she got dragged to somewhere she didn’t want to be.  I can absolutely relate to that!  She’s the one that puts me in that position.  Yet, still.  Here we are.  All these sets of brothers/sisters, children, and she was hardly spoken to.  She sat with and next to others, but stayed quiet.  Sometimes she would interject something, and it would fall on deaf ears.  For the first time, I felt sorry for her.  What a burden she has had to carry for decades.  She was the first to come into that family.  They were so young.  And she had to live in the same house as her in-laws, as was the tradition in Korea.  What she must have went through.

They left Korea after a few years and came to the US.  She was free from all her responsibilities in Korea.  Probably 10 years later, 1 aunt and uncle set came.  Over the next 15 years, 2 more would come and eventually her own mother-in-law.  Then would come me and C into her life and all that would kick in.  Here is a woman who enjoys her freedom, does things how she wants to, on her terms, says things that she wants to, etc.   I don’t agree with most of the way she behaves, but at the very least, she is consistent.  and stubborn.  All this family around her, these obligations, aren’t soothing for her.  It creates a ton of work and drama.

I sat going back and forth between my kids, to my husband’s cousins, and all the family, and still, my MIL was mostly in the company of everyone but not apart.

Yes, I’m sure my MIL brought a lot of these situations on herself, and dug herself this isolation.  On the other hand, shouldn’t we keep trying to build those bridges?

I’d been ready to burn as much as I could.  And still, I have a lot of issues and past grievances with my MIL.  But, would I ignore her and make her feel like she wasn’t really there???  Everyone feeling that way?

To make matters worse, I was talking to one of my husband’s 3rd cousins, wives.  The families are close, and she and I get along great, too.  For the first time, we talked about my relationship with my MIL.  I’ve never really been able to tell anyone about it that was family, even though they all hint at it.  At least, not until C came along.  I would have loved to confide in this cousin, but I didn’t know if she would tell her husband. and her husband tell his mom.  I didn’t know how close his mom was to my own MIL.  It was something I wasn’t willing to risk.  I found out that they had all been wondering if I was okay, if I was being treated well.  Even she had been at the bitten tongue end of my MIL when she was dating her husband.  It’s kind of just the way she is!  No wonder they didn’t come so often to family gatherings.

I learned about a lot of walls that are put up against my own MIL.  And again, I feel terrible for her.  My heart really does go out to her.  It’s not like she’s a bad person.  She’s not the warmest nor the type to go out of her way to make you feel at ease.  But she does have good intentions.  They may not be carried out well or delivered well, but the intent is usually there.

I wonder about my husband’s feelings whenever his mom comes up in conversation.  Honestly, the man barely blinks.  When I call him on it, he’s all too aware of her strengths and weaknesses.  He just thinks of her as a whole.  I thought there would be more of a fight out of him, a defensiveness.  It’s his mom!  But he’s nonchalant and matter of fact.  Just like many other members of his family.

I’m not saying I can go out of my way to make her included or to have her around me more.  Like I stated earlier, we have our own journey with its many bumps, some I have real trouble getting by and moving on from.  But nobody should feel that way in a family gathering, nor should they be treated that way for the 4 or 5 hrs that they are there.  That’s all.

Going into 2010

Wow.  So here we are. 2010!!! As much as time drags sometimes, it sure seems to go by so quickly.  When did you head into another decade???!!! I still think sometimes it’s 2000.  Well, I don’t, but it doesn’t seem like 10 years ago!

We are coming off one of the best holidays I think we have spent as a family.  For the first time, both kids were super into Christmas.  They were excited that Santa was coming.  S was worried about if her grandmother’s house was going to have a tree.  And if not, that we should bring ours.  Because of course, there has to be a tree.  Never mind the whole chimney factor, but there must be a tree.  (I wriggled my mom to get a fake one. I was thinking a 2 ft pre-lit fake one from Wal-mart for $15.  She resisted and then procrastinated.  Only ones left were the 7ft ones for $35!  Sorry Mom!!).  They were hoping for snow and a white christmas.  It was the first time we could manipulate (yes…manipulate) M into good behavior, talking about how Santa doesn’t like it when she talks back or doesn’t listen.  I didn’t tell her she was going get coal if she was naughty (I think that’s jumping to the mean side of the line.  that’s just me, though.)  But I left the possibility open ended.  It worked like a charm.  It didn’t stop the “but I really wanted to do this, Mommy”.  However, it did give me the targeted behavior.  I’m only sorry that Christmas is over, and I have nothing to help me out.  Still, both kids were so excited for Christmas and going up to my parents’ home.

We spent almost an entire week there.  We haven’t done that in a long time.  We didn’t get to see all the people that we wanted to, but it didn’t matter.  They were so happy and comfortable to be there.  They weren’t very whiny, nor anxious.  They were happy clams, especially S.  My parents were just delighted.  They can’t believe how far she has come in a year.  Last Christmas, she was still whiny, and refused to eat, and contrary at times.  This year, flexible and happy.

We took them to a mall one afternoon.  S and M made all their own games.  As my mom and I looked at some clothes for the kids, they were running around, playing hide and seek.  We turned the corner into Pottery Barn Kids, and it was empty!!!  I have never been there in NJ where it hasn’t been packed.  Even at the opening, it’s always packed.  Here, the kids spent an hour looking at all the things.  In that hour, maybe 2 of 3 kids were ever in there with them.  Unbelievable!  My mom couldn’t believe the kids could play that long in a store, oh…but she doesn’t venture into PBK!!!  We followed up with a ride on the Carousel in the food court, and a final trip to the Disney store.  A heavenly afternoon for the kids.

We came home, and the next day, the kids were greeted by my husband’s brother and his family.  We don’t get to see them often since they live in LA.  The kids got to play with their little cousin, E, who is such a funny ham.  They love to spend time with their Uncle N and Aunt C.  They couldn’t get enough.  It was E’s first time to play in the snow.  M, especially, showed E lots of love.  E crossed the line on S when he tried to grab her new Leapster from her.  And you know, S, isn’t the forgiving type.  So everytime E started walking in her direction, she would pick up what she was doing, and tell him, “no no no E, stay away!”  So he tagged after M, who loved the attention (until E tried taking her stuffed tiger.  Sorry E, you’re lucky you still have 2 eyes!).

New Year’s Day was a long day spent at my in-laws home.  But it was calmer this year.  We got there slightly later (10am), and had brunch with them and my brother/sister-in law.  The bigger extended family didn’t come this year.  Everyone was meeting up for dinner at another aunt and uncle’s home.  I’m going to write about the drama of it all in my next post.  Let’s keep focused here.  The kids spent about 5 hours at home in-laws home, a record for us.  We usually leave because one or both or so tired they need a nap.  And they aren’t the type of kids to fall asleep in anywhere.

We drove down an hour to my husband’s aunt’s house, which only is 10 min from ours!  The house was packed!  My husband’s grandmother, her brother-in-law and sister-in law, their son and his family, 3 aunts/uncle sets and cousins.  My kids had the time of their lives with my husband’s cousin, and the cousins with kids (2 boys).  S usually has a difficult time with all these people, esp this house since they have a dog.  She was actually very curious about Gizmo this time.  She didn’t want much to do with him, but came around a lot more.  I think it was also because she saw her sister and cousins hanging out with the dog.  The kids lasted until 9:30pm at this house.  Never once, until the last 20 min did they ask to leave.

A lot has happened over the years.  A lot has been discovered in the past 2 years.  Both kids have grown so much in 2009.  None of them more stark in comparison than S.  She’s not the same kid she was even 4 months ago.  I feel very hopeful of where things will continue to bring us in 2010.  There will continue to be ups and downs, I know.  But I’m just so very proud of where we all are, as individuals, and esp as a family.  It hasn’t been an easy 2009.  But thank you for letting it go out with a bang on such an upside!!!!  Happy New Year everyone!

Another adventure done

What a whirlwind Christmas weekend for us!  And I have to say, the kids have been great.  We’ve been throwing them for some loops, but both have handled them well, especially S.  Who would have thought?!!  My parents had a bunch of people over for Christmas, most of whom the girls had never met.  But they fell right into step and played alongside the other kids.  S went off on her own for awhile, and then would join them, go on her own, and join them again.  I thought she self-regulated herself well.  She knew that it was too much to be with the others the entire time, so she went off and played her Leapster, and then went back and joined them.  No whining, no crying about having to share her toys.  M was right in there from the beginning and had a ball with her “new friends”.

S has been talking about getting purple skis non-stop for the past week or 2.  She kept asking if we were going skiing while we were at my parents’ house.  Yesterday, we finally went.  It was warm, and all the snow that has been here has been melting (never mind that it is coming down hard again today!).  We went to a different mountain this time that was supposed to have a better snow base for the kids.  Last year, we took them to a ski mountain, and the 2 couldn’t even stand on skis by themselves.  My husband and I decided to put them into ski school this year.  S has been in such a good place for the last month that we both thought if there was ever a time she going to accept lessons in something, now would be the time.

Both kids were so excited.  We hadn’t broken the news  yet, though, that they weren’t going to ski with us for the lessons.  We ate lunch and took them out on the hill for a few runs on the beginner slope with a rope tow.  They were having so much fun, especially S.  And she was handling herself well on the skis.  20 minutes later, a young teenage instructor, Carly, showed up.  She pulled them off to the side.  An older lady, must have been the manager/overseer walked over.  There were a bunch of parents there with cameras and observing.  This lady said, “Don’t worry.  They’ll have fun.”  We smiled.  We were hoping to take some runs on our own, but we weren’t quite sure how the kids would do if we just left.  Of course, I should have gone by my motto that my kids do much better when we are not around.  As S was being led away, she looked back.  ”Mommy, I want to stay with you.”  I told her to go with Carly.  The lady turned to us again and said, “Why don’t you go skiing and take some runs.  You can come check on them a little later.”  Before she could say anything else, my husband was off.  I started to follow him when I heard, “Mommy, where are you going?”  I yelled back, “We just have to run and get something.  We’ll be back.”  And I left.

We took a few runs, and checked back in.  Carly walked up the hill partway with each child.  She let them go, and they skiied by themselves 30 feet to another instructor, Courtney.  Huge smiles covered both their faces.  M looked up and yelled, “Hi Daddy, Hi Mommy.”  S spun around and was grinning.  She then told us that she wanted to come with us.  We knew we made a mistake coming and checking in.  They had another 30 min to go.  We turned to leave again.

It was fun to finally ski again just my husband and I.  Feeling free and unbound, we just enjoyed being off on our own.  By the time it was time to go get the kids, both of us were tired.  Our feet hurt, and our legs were starting to burn.  We weren’t used to this.

The kids were all smiles when we got them.  They gave Carly and Courtney high fives.  They said the girls did great.  We brought them in for a snack, but only after we promised S that we were going to head back out.  S and M shared a piece of cake and water.  Then they were back out on the hill.

It was difficult for us to handle the girls because we were getting tired ourselves.  But we got them up the rope tow.  By this time, S was able to figure out how to hold it herself and keep herself propped up with us.  M was bending down so low, I thought she was going to fall right between my legs.  She didn’t have the arm strength to really hold on by herself, either.  I had to wrap one arm around her completely and still had to hold the tow with 2 hands.  The pain in my arms was excruciating! I secretly hoped that they wanted to go home soon.  One look at S’s face and I knew that we weren’t leaving anytime soon.

M was having fun, but she was definitely tired.  It was exhausting for her to coordinate her body and hold herself up.  But S, she looked like she was having the time of her life!  She was getting the gist of it.  She wasn’t able to go slow or stop unless she made herself fall or someone caught her, but she was doing great.  And the best part, she was trying something new.  Something that should have been so difficult for her.  The off-balance, the coordination, the strength.  All things that we have been addressing in her OT sessions, but still, the sensory party would have gone into a tailspin with the off-balance sensation.  But here was, soaking it all up.  S was loving every minute of it.  M and I gave up and headed in.  She said she was tired.  But S wanted to go run after run.  Poor Dad.  He wanted to go in, too.  But how can you say no more to a child that doesn’t usually like to do new things???  And we didn’t know when we were going to get out there next.  So he stayed with it.

I heard a speaker once say that new experiences was the best way for a child to learn.  To keep them moving forward, you had to throw them into challenged.  Supported challenges, but new adventures, nonetheless.  Vacations, travel, local trips trying something out, etc.   It supported S’s neurologist’s idea that we needed to take S on “mystery trips” where we didn’t tell her where we were going.  Always make it fun.  That way S would learn that she didn’t have to know detail about everything.  The unknown could have fun rewards.  They were both right.

S loves mystery trips now.  It’s always something fun.  Sometimes she doesn’t want to try when she gets there, but most of the time, she is game.  It might be a museum or a movie, ice cream, or something entirely different.  Each one she comes out happy.

Skiing wasn’t a mystery trip, but still something a bit new.  Leaving her in the hands of a teenager wasn’t exactly heartwarming for us, but we trusted S would be okay.  And at the end of the day, she kept asking repeatedly, “Can we go back tomorrow?”  What more can a parent ask for?????

She turned 6!

So last Monday, S turned 6.  I can’t believe it.  The night before, my husband were reminiscing about her birth.  It had snowed that night and morning.  We were getting ready for brunch.  I thought I was just peeing, having incontinence issues.  My doctor thought maybe my water broke.  She was a birth process I’d like to forget.  But not one I could once I saw her.

And here we are, 6 years later.  Working for so many years with Kindergarten students, I could perfectly imagine what my 6 year old and I would be doing.  6 years later, those visions have changed, been modified.  S is not the child I imagined, nor can she do the things I thought we would do together.  Part of that is the ignorance of a first time parent, when you have no parental experience, and you dream up how you think it will be.  No matter what I got, developmental delays or not, it would have been different.  The other part is simply what we got.  A beautiful, intelligent, sweet girl who happens to have some delays.

When S walked into my room Monday morning, I was all set to wish her a happy birthday and hugs.  She walked in and said, “Mommy, I don’t feel well.”  I sat up and felt her head.  She was HOT.  I gave her some water and Tylonol.  20 min later, S was asleep in my bed.  I felt so bad.  She was so excited to turn 6, and she was running a 103 fever.  The next 2 days, S would go in and out of fever.  She was quiet and spent most of the time on the couch under a blanket.  She was one of the best patients.  When she wanted to eat or drink, she simply asked quietly.  She only wanted to do quiet activities.  She wasn’t hungry, and ate very simply.  S almost never complained, whined, or was overly needy.  She stated what she wanted, when she wanted it….stated, not demanded.  She was still considerate and kind to her sister, letting her share her presents.

M was having a lot of problems with it being S’s birthday and getting all the presents.  M brought the presents to S, and opened them for her.  She handed them to S so she could see them all.  S played with some, and let M play with some.  It was a nice harmony for both.

I look at S, wondering where my baby has gone.  I wonder where is my little chubby girl who spoke in short words.  Where is my girl who sucked her thumb and played with my hair?  Where is the girl who couldn’t put on her own socks or shoes or zip her jacket?  What happened to the girl that used to stand on her tip toes to try to reach whatever was on the counter top?  Who used to throw herself down on the ground when she didn’t get what she want?  Who used to screech at people when they came too close?  Here stands this tall and smiley girl.  She smiles and laughs with her friends.  She dresses herself and asks if I can get her some paper so she can draw.  She organizes her box of art supplies alone.  She decides what she is comfortable sharing with her sister, and what she isn’t.  She walks up to new people saying, “What’s your name?” if she really wants to meet them.  She meets some of my husband’s co-workers and says “Nice to meet you” as she extends her hand out to them.  It’s a strange thing to suddenly have this 6 year old in our house.

It’s been an incredible journey raising S.  We’ve had so many challenges, and so many triumphs come our way, and that road of ups and downs is only going to get more intense as she gets older.  I feel like these are the last of her “little girl” years left.  I want to soak it all up before they are gone (and trust me, I’m not one of those soak it up type of people).  I’ve put so much of myself into and behind her efforts that I’ve almost lost perspective of her, only staying in the process.

So my baby girl, you are 6 years old.  I love you.  Happy Birthday.  And thank you for making me see YOU.

another party

It’s been awhile since I posted. Sorry about that. Life has been absolutely crazy for a big!  S turned 6 on Monday last week!  And everything leading up to that weekend was insane!  I don’t know how we get through it all from Thanksgiving to S’s birthday.  Every year I feel like I’m certifiable.

A big chunk of S’s friends have birthday late November- January.  So between her birthday and S going to birthday parties, we are….the only way it comes to mind is in Korean.  Juhng-sheen uhp-suh.  Like you’ve lost your mind.

S had a birthday party the day before her party.  It was an evening party at a roller skating rink.  She has never been roller skating before, and S is one who is so uncomfortable being off balance.  It throws all of her securities and sensory issues in a tailspin.  Learning to ride a 2 wheeler, well…let’s just say the training wheels went right back on because of her reaction, even though she begged to take them off in the first place!  My husband took her.  M and I went out to dinner and take care of last minute birthday things.  I got a text 20 min into the party.  ”She loves it.”  20 min later, I get a picture text of S on roller skates.  Another 20 min, “She wants to take the skates home.”  I was floored.  It was insane!  Who knew?

The next morning was a blur as we got ready for S’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  I swore never to have a party there, but she asked me several times.  Hey, it’s a lot cheaper than some of these other places.  (Why are birthday parties so expensive, and why do we dish over the money???????? What’s wrong with the world? and parents?  ME????)  That place is just loud, and chaotic.  But there was S in the middle of it all, beaming from ear to ear.  She was so happy.  She wasn’t so fond of live Chuck coming around her, giving her a hug, as she tried to wipe his touch off her arm.  But she wasn’t the one crying.  There were 3, bawling.  One of them my husband had to pick her up she was crying so hard, and take her to the back.  Her dad was busy taking pics of his screaming daughter.  Let’s be honest.  What is there so adorable and irresistable about an adult size grinning rat???  For S, she was happy to see her friends from different places that she grew to know them, and share her birthday with them.

S’s highlight was her friend B from MD.  She talked about him coming up everyday for the 3 days before they came up.  I was almost sorry she knew because she never let up!  I talked to B’s mom and told her she better not back out.  I would never be able to make it up to S!  Luckily, they all made it up.  It made both S and M’s weekend.  The kids played together all Saturday and Sunday morning.  Usually when B leaves, S starts to cry.  But this year, she was a calm pea and waved good bye.  Then S and M left to watch the Princess and the Frog.  The first movie they sat through the entire movie for.  Monumental!  Of course, it took a lot of skittles, slurpees, popcorn, and sour patch kids.  But they did it!

This party weekend was very hard on M.  All other years, she just trudged along.  She couldn’t get over the attention on S and all the presents.  That really bothered her.  And of course, because it was all so new, S didn’t want to share things with M.  Even at Chuck E. Cheese, M had a difficult time.  She didn’t know the kids well, and the place was so overwhelming.  She stayed in my husband’s arms for a long length of time.  Once we got home, she jumped right into the fun with B and his brother T.  They played with their younger brother, baby C, too.  She was jealous of the gifts, but held her own in play.

S and B had their first sleepover, too.  We dragged a mattress and put it on the floor.  S was over the moon.  M said she hoped she could grow up and be a big girl, too, so she could have sleepovers.  She still took it okay.  S and B stayed up a little big talking and singing Christmas carols, but they eventually slept.  S woke at her early hour, and this time, she had a buddy to wake up, too!  And the 2 of them trudged into our room at 7am informing us it was time to get up! Soon, we had S, B, and M laughing and chatting in our bed that morning, while I tried to go in and out of sleep on the edge.  Wasn’t happening for me.

I’m impressed by how S handled all the many new and crazy things thrown at her that weekend.  She should have been overwhelmed, sensory overload, and just plain exhausted.   Yet, she took it all in stride.  I was one proud mom of my growing little girl.

holiday suprise photos

Every year, I take the girls to Sears for a quick round of pictures.  I usually schedule it around Halloween, but I just got behind this year.  I made an appointment for mid November.  I have been doing this since S was 10 months old.  I don’t try to make it Christmasy, although I use the pictures for holiday cards.

The first year, S was all smiles.  It was too cute.  I loved the experience.  It wasn’t a poche, hip studio.  It was sears.  The woman photographer was great with S.  We had a lot to choose from.

The next year, S was 22 months.  We had just moved to the suburbs, and S was showing signs of anxiety.  This male photographer was not great with kids.  We got maybe 4 pictures that were okay.  S was all over the place and uncooperative.

Next, S was almost 3, and M was 7 months.  S was all smiles and giggles.  She thought it was so funny.  She couldnt’ get enough of being in front of the camera.  M was shy, but she did well, too.  We were surprised.  The photographer was awesome with the kids.  She got down on the ground with them, was calming, and seemed to enjoy what she did.  We love the pictures from that year.

The following year, S was almost 4, and M was 19 months.   S was going through a very hard time.  She was a mess for months.  She was screaming during this session.  S was so distraught, and the photographer was ok.  Not great, but not awful.  M was unsure of herself but held up okay.  She had that deer in headlights look the whole time.

Last year, S was almost 5, and M was 2 1/2.  S walked into the room and started saying, “Cheese, cheese, cheese.”  She was ready to go.  We got some really great shots that captured her spirit.  Some of my favorite.  M was having none of it.  She was kicking and crying everytime she had to go up there.  All the pictures with M had her with watery eyes and a red nose.  They still looked sweet.

This year, S, almost 6, and M, 3 1/2.  The pattern is every other year is a great year for S.  We were up for an off year.  M has been off the years that S was great.  True to our formula, S didn’t want to get her pictures taken.  Granted, the day was hectic.  She was on a half day schedule at school, so she was only going for 2 hours every day.  And she was going in the morning, when she normally goes in the afternoon.  We had her Parent/Teacher conference that afternoon.  As soon as she came home, I gave her lunch, and left the kids with their grandmother.  We came home, changed the girls, and took them for the pictures.  It was a lot to take in.

M was all smiles, so cooperative.  She was the perfect angel.  Thankfully, you can’t tell S was crying in any of our shots.

The photographer was not that great.  She was rushed because she was the only one working.  There was someone ahead of us and behind us.  She was all over the place. She kept calling my kids “baby girl, baby girl”.  I felt like she was badgering them and was super rushed.  I stepped in and told her my kids names and asked her to stop calling them baby girl.  I felt like that rude backstage mom, but she was starting to really get to me.  Make it personal for goodness sakes!! How hard is it to just ask for the kids’ names????

In the end, we got great photos.  I can’t figure out what it is about the pictures the kids don’t like.  And why they alternate??????? Another mom mystery.  Maybe next year, I find someplace new.