5 stages of grief

They say there are 5 stages of grief, and that you need to process through all of them to eventually heal.  I think I heard that before I had children.  And then I heard it after S had some speech delays.  I heard it recently on a tv show, and it struck me again.  A few months ago, I posted something beautiful I read that was so true as a parent of a child with special needs.  Welcome to Holland completely pinpointed all of my thoughts and emotions about it.  But the 5 stages of grief…well, that’s a lot deeper.

The 5 stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Obviously, this was thought out for bereavement.  But I actually think this can easily be applied to special needs parents.

For myself, I don’t know if there was actually a point of denial.  Well, maybe that statement right there is proof. LOL.  I really tried to look at our situation as it was.  I truly just believed S had speech delays.  When her OT eval came back, I was surprised by how many areas she was having trouble in.  When people started dropping autism in my lap, I really went and did my research.  I sincerely thought that S was not.  But then I started watching her socially and wondered if it were possible.  When the neurologist said she was not autistic, I was in denial about that!  I fought him that she had to be!  Each step of that process I realize I was not dealing with just a speech disorder.  From then on out, I knew S had a growing list of needs and areas of concern.  She was not going to be a “typical” child for these first few years, especially in school.

I definitely felt angry.  I was angry at everyone.  Angry for S.  Why did God choose her to have these difficulties?  Our sweet little girl who wants nothing but people to love her (and a side of gummy bears wouldn’t hurt).  I would never wish anybody else, child or family, to be deprived of their “typical child” family, but I was constantly asking why.  Still brings tears to my eyes thinking of this question.  Why S?  Why this family?  Why me?  I’m not the best person to handle this as a mom.  But in the end, I could ask all those questions, and it didn’t change what I knew.  It didn’t really matter why.  It’s what it is, and I’m her only mother in this lifetime.  We have to make this work and do best by her.

Bargaining….I’m not sure I tried to bargain with God or anything like that.  I kicked myself into high gear, though.  I did all the research, and continue to.  I talk to a number of people, always trying to figure out what is our next step.  I read online (btw…terrible idea when researching sometimes.  what is out there online is truly depressing and alarming!!!  but of course, my terribly addictive personality quirk, I can’t stop), read books.  You name it, we are doing it!  But it’s like a bad disease for me.  I am obsessive.  Instead of bargaining, I’d call it Fixing.  Not that S is broken and needs to be fixed.  But it’s that kind of mentality.  I don’t know if that will ever go away.  I guess it’s 2 things.  It is in S’s best interest if I can start paving the path that will help her the best.  and wow. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this here because I’m not sure I’ve even admitted it to myself.  It keeps me moving forward because as her mother, I feel helpless.  There. I said it.  It’s the only proactive way for me to be productive by my daughter.

Depression.  This is a dark and twisted path for anyone.  And I’ve definitely been hit by depression, in bouts.  It comes and goes.  Last spring, when S withdrew from all her friends, and was constantly agitated was difficult.  I was coming into the idea of okay, she has a lot more issues than I thought she did.  And came to my own conclusion that she must be on the autistic spectrum.  Not severe, but on it.  It lasted on and off into the fall.  Emotionally for me, that was probably the worst summer I remember experiencing.  EVER.  I felt as emotional and drained as I did in my postpartum days.  Without the sleep deprivation.  (okay, so that’s a huge difference.  but I felt like crap and easily cried a few times a day and almost every night.)  I was so dark within my wallowing, I just didn’t feel like there was anyone to talk to about it.  I couldn’t say it out loud to anyone except my husband.

Acceptance.  I’ve accepted that this is the journey we are taking.  It may not be what we envisioned and dreamed about, but it’s our reality.  I have come to love my whole daughter, not just the parts I wanted to.  (Isn’t that horrible to say??? ALL of your child?  not just the good and “bad” where we think of stubborness, tantrums, etc.  But delays with the accelerations, too).  Because of some of S’s delays, her brain has compensated in other areas.  She has an incredible sight memory.  Very visual.  She may not express herself as well as other 5 year olds, but her visual memory is almost photographic.  She may resist and be stubborn, yet when she loves something, S really sticks with it.  There may be more scripted speech than spontaneous speech, but nothing beats her “I love you, Mommy” followed by her arms around your neck.  Then she leans back for a peck.

So I guess those are my 5 stages.  Does that mean I’m healed?  I don’t think so.  Because all those things come back at different times.  I still definitely have moments of Denial, DEFINITELY moments of anger.  I think one of the reasons the depression hasn’t set in is because 1.  I have a lot more people to talk about it with.  2. I’m more open about our experience.  3.  I just don’t go there.  I don’t spend the time to really think and get down about it all.  4.  I surround myself with great friends who I’ve let stand by me now.   I’ll always be bargaining or fixing of some sort.  It’s not like me to just let it go and do nothing.  S is my eldest daughter.  I want to give her the best chance possible going forward to living a normal childhood.  I still read welcome to Holland to remind myself that it’s just different.  Not worse, just different.  And I will continue to have those moments where I wonder, “How the hell did I get here?”  and the other moments of “Why would I want to be anywhere else?”