here we go again follow up

I should have written this last week.  But so many things were happening, and I honestly didn’t know where to even go with it.  I needed to take some time to process things and figure out what was going on!

Well, I last wrote about what happened at lunch last week.  So I waited on Thursday night to see what would come out of the conversation that S’s teacher had with the kids.  She did write, but was telling me about a lesson that she did that came out of this.  It was a great lesson, but I was still left wondering of where the conversation went.  Did she ask them?  Did they say they did?  Or did she just tell them she heard and not to do it again.  Either way, I trusted that it was taken care of.  She is that kind of a teacher.

Friday, I went to S’s case manager.  I wanted to start documenting times when S was vulnerable and did not pick up on social cues or acted socially appropriate in the face of peer pressure.  This way, when they say socially she is fine, we have a log of specific times and places where it’s clear she is not.  The case manager asked me if they were punished.  I said I assume, yes.  S’s case manager was so fired up about how she was not told.  She was going to be making calls to the principal and the teacher.  She would get to the bottom of this.  I made a comment about how the 2nd grade girls, in general, have a small nasty pack that rule the roost.  Of all things, the case manager was simply disgusted.  She is the point contact bully person for the district to our school.  She has been at our school weekly, investigating bullying cases. She said it was rampid at our school.  Every grade had their pack.  She encouraged that a bunch of parents needed to band together and go public.   Show up at board of ed meetings, and make things go on public record, or nothing would get done.  That startled me.  Here, she is the contact person.  There has to be some confidentiality or something where she would show unbias.  Yet she was, TELLING us to go out against the school because nothing was getting done.

What does that tell you?

NJ is so proud to have one of the toughest anti-bullying laws passed this passed year, yet nothing is getting done in our school.

Needless to say, I let the teacher know some fallback was coming.  She has been so helpful to us this year that I thought she deserved to know.  Yet she still hadn’t said what was said.

She let me know on Monday that the call came down from the principal.  She forwarded all my emails to her and said I was aware of what she was doing .  She was told from the principal to have conversations with each of the children, and punishment would be handed down.  So did that mean she never spoke to each of them?

Wednesday, we had our IEP meeting.  We bumped into our principal in the office on the way out.  She let us know that she knew what had happened at lunch and that she was involved.  She said that our teacher was not aware of things that happened last year, so she didn’t know that anything like this concerning our daughter, the principal had to be told.

First of all, why wouldn’t the information have been told from one teach to the other or in S’s file?  Why wouldn’t she have been told?  Don’t teachers just give a little heads up….hey this girl had this thing happen to her.  Be on the lookout that she is not put in that kind of position again?????  And why would the principal think not to mention it to her fellow teachers??!!!

Second of all, whether of not something like this happened to my daughter before, wouldn’t it be something the principal should be aware of ANYWAY?  That something is going on in her school???????

Then, the kicker, she says that we have to nip this in the bud.  It’s time.  S is old enough now.  As she gets older, she has to start understanding her social surroundings.  She’s old enough to know now.

WOW!  Really?  She so doesn’t get it!  It’s not an on and off button for S?  She will understand with CONSTANT teaching when she finally gets it.  We don’t know when that will be.  But it’s not on any of our timelines!  It’s certainly not on this principal’s timeline.  HELLO!!!???  Where does she get off?  You think S wants to be in these situations?  You think we want her to be vulnerable and falling for these things?  Do you think we asked for this scenario or life situations???  But it’s what we got, and we love our daughter.  We will do whatever we have to in order to help her and watch her grow.  But it’s time? ???  Really?  How about F-U lady for being in a position of authority and have this wonderful opportunity to help a girl or family out, but instead you shift all blame on my daughter?  S should never have been put in that position in the first place!  These kids should also be learning and exercising respectful values.   Some of these kids are her good friends getting pulled in for the laugh.  What about those lessons?????????

Well, now we wait.  All kids alike have been warned.  S is being bombarded on all sides about social learnings.   And we pray for this not so much to blow over, but for everyone to have learned something from it.  Then take those learnings and hopefully do some good!

here we go…again????

You know, I truly believe S has had the best placement this year for school.  Her teacher, her classmates, it’s been a great mix.  Sure you have some kids that may not do the nicest of things.  But her 22 other classmates are all truly good hearted.  They are not mean-spirited.  They don’t go out to intentionally hurt others.  That doesn’t mean that they don’t hurt others or tease or do unkind things.  I mean, though, that they are not mean-spirited.  mean hearted.  There is a big difference.

I have been listening to a bunch of friends these past few months about how unhappy they are in the placement of their daughter.  How there are so many mean girls in this grade.  And I was silently thankful that they aren’t in S’s class!

So today, we were seeing Step, and I get a message on my phone.  A friend of me is wondering if I have talked to S about what happened at lunch, and that if I want, to call her.  Her daughter saw it unfold.

My first reaction…..What the hell happened at lunch?  Second reaction…..Why didn’t S say anything?    Third reaction……how bad could it be?    Fourth…….how much happened that something had to unfold?

I feel like it’s deja vu.  I’m back to my conversation with another friend asking me if  S told me about what happened in the bathroom…only this time its lunch.  A part of me doesn’t want to make the call.  But I do.

With her daughter feeding the lines next to her, I hear that S’s friend sitting next to her, turns to a girl at another table behind them, and says, “Watch this.”  Then turns to S, and says, “Hey, say I’m weird.”  S apparently laughs and says, “I’m weird.”  The whole table gets a kick out of it.  My friend’s daughter tells them that they are being mean (thank goodness for those that stick up for others).  We have a longer conversation about some other stuff.  All of it more heartbreaking things.  Another friend in S’s Brownie troop that said she wished S wasn’t in their troop.  etc.

Sigh.  S is not going to be liked by everyone.  Even if she wasn’t quirky, or odd, or loud, or talking out of turn, etc….even if she was the most typical child on the planet, not everyone likes everyone.  She is going to encounter situations where people will try to use her as their entertainment.  We have to teach S and give her the tools to be her own future advocate, starting with saying NO to people who tell her to do or say something.  I thought we had.  But I had not anticipated that last year’s situation and this year’s situation would not translate as the same type of scenario for her.  (for part of last year’s incidents, view http://blindlyflying.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/bullying-follow-up/ )  She knows not to show her privates off to anyone or lift her shirt if they tell her etc.  But people telling her to say unflattering things about herself apparently is different.

We can talk about mean girls or bullying all we want.  I’m so discouraged by the things I’ve seen, by what I’ve heard from so many this year, and that NOTHING is done about it in school by most.  S’s teacher I can see she will actually address it.  This is her strong point.  more so than her academic teaching.  But others just let it slide, including the principal.

My job as S’s mom is not to go out there swinging for other kids.  Sure, I will bring it to the attention of the teacher and make it be known how it all came down.  But my job is for S.  My job is to give her tools, words, to teach her that this is not okay.  She should not be okay with any of this.  She should not want people telling her what to do or say, no matter how silly.  She should not be okay that they are all laughing, even if she doesn’t understand that they are laughing at her.  Friends do not do that to other friends.  Not where they use her to be the center of their entertainment.

But the protective mom side of me is:  How dare they!  How dare they choose the one who can’t see the difference.  The one who is such a people pleaser that she sees nothing wrong in it!  The one who is truly so kind hearted.  She sure has some flaws to her personality but she is incredibly sweet.  How dare they!!

And I go back to, this kind of shit I absolutely believe would have been a million times worse this year if she had been in any of the other 4 classes, or if even just 1 of the REALLy mean girls were apart of this class. That kind of poison spreads so quickly.  So do we take our blessings and sweep it under the rug?  NO.  we don’t sweep it under.  We do the right thing.  We mention it to the teacher.  Not with a what are you going to do about it kind of attitude.  but a listen….here’s what we heard.  Do you happen to know about it and how far this really went?  We are doing out part at home.  We just thought you should know.

And now we play the game of the first round.  again.

when the “help” just doesn’t seem to help

We recently went on a trip and visited a family we hadn’t seen in 4 years.  The last time we met up, S was just 4, and we were just discovering this world of special needs.  All we had in place was speech.  OT was going to be starting a couple weeks after that.  Catching up from there, what a whirlwind our lives both seemed to have been.  It made me take a hard look at the last 4 years.  It’s been a lot to pack in.  But it was encouraging to explain things, and to not be experiencing those particular events anymore.  I mean, S has changed! and progressed!  and thing manifest differently now than they used to.  My friend said it must have been an exhausting time for us.  I think back.  Yes it has been.  but the most exhausting part now really is what we deal with in school.  School is the biggest emotional player for me now.

There are the typical things that do come home that cause us all stress.  Homework that maybe S doesn’t get.  or the occasional tears about not wanting to play some game at recess that the others were trying to have her play.  Or the story about how someone was mean to someone else.  But I’m talking about stress coming from teachers that are put in place to help, but they don’t.

S has the most wonderful teacher this year.  I can see if a parent had a typical child in there, and you really wanted to see your child challenged….you wouldn’t be so happy then with her.  She is a wonderfully, warm and caring woman.  Truly.  She is not the strongest academically.  Is S learning?  absolutely.  She is learning tricks to math through acronyms that are sticking.  S is absolutely unchallenged in spelling, but since she struggles in other areas, I welcome the breeze through habits she has with it.  But this teacher is all about emotional growth and safety.  How the kids treat one another. How they respect each other.  How they grow as human beings.  These are the areas I think so few teachers take the time to develop, and in the grand scheme of things, is the most important.  Who cares if these kids can do equivalent fractions if they can’t learn to respect and tolerate others?

In this inclusive, general ed classroom, also comes support.  An aide and a special ed in class teacher.  It’s usually hit or miss with aides in the school.  You get some really great ones.  Or you get a crappy one where you wonder what the hell one has to do to become an aide.  Some have absolutely no business working with children.  Some you hope you get every year.  Our aide. Top notch. no complaints.

Our in class special ed support person?  Where the hell did they get her?

She’s new to the district.  Honestly, she is a nice person.  I have nothing against her crazy frizzy hair, or the smile that tries too much.  All I care about is how you are going to help my child.  Last year, we had one who started out okay and ended horribly.  She was so stuck inside her little box that she had no idea how to help S when her abc methods weren’t working.  There was no d,e,f or x,y,z.  So I had hoped this year’s support person would be able to think outside the box a little, as well as have some other strategies to help S figure things out.

When I reach out to her, she always responds.  This is a huge plus.  I can appreciate that!  She over highlights on the math hw, but still, the effort to draw S’s attention to certain details helps.  I can appreciate that, too.

I went in to meet with her in February, beginning of March.  We talked about S’s writing.  S has a real gift for writing.  She can write a 50 pg book if we let the pen fly, with almost no spelling errors.  It’s not organized to the reader and makes absolutely no sense.  But she can do it!   If you have S explain it all, you can start to follow her thought process and pattern.  But it’s all jumbled up there.  It comes out all jumbled on paper.  The support person kept saying, “I keep trying to get her to think as the reader, not just herself.”  But to do that, you have to assume that S can think from another’s perspective as she writes.  We focus so much of her therapy on her so it can be applied and drawn out.  But writing, even jumbled writing, has been her self therapy.  It’s where she goes to relax and get it all out for herself.  I understand the need for it to be organized and make sense to the reader.  But it’s not going to happen until she is able to do that verbally as well.  And that hasn’t happened yet.  Telling a story is still so broken when she tells it.

I can see this support person has tried a few things.  I found that encouraging.  But she admitted during this meeting, “I have hit a wall with S and her writing.  I just don’t know what we can do to help her.  I’m lost.”  Brave yet stupid thing to admit to a parent.  But what was the worst was that we were only at the beginning of March!  There are another 3 months to go!  What the hell is going to happen for the final 3 months?  As the re-eval looms, as the NJ PASS (2nd grade standardized tests) loom, as we figure out what she needs for next year in her IEP!?

This teacher gives off a very nervous energy. When kids are not doing her will, she starts to fly off the handle and her own anxious energies come out.  This does not bode well for my daughter.  So S then doesn’t want to go to small group work with this support teacher and puts up a fight-something she hasn’t really done before in other years.  That speaks VOLUMES to me.

I have found since then that while her special ed teacher is really nice and does mean well, she isn’t helpful.  She hasn’t been.  I asked her if she spoke to the speech therapist since the writing is going to be connected to S’s verbal skills.  She just stared at me.  Told me she never thought of doing that.  THEY ARE ALL THERE TOGETHER IN THE SCHOOL!  WHY ARE YOU NOT THINKING TO COLLABORATE WITH OTHERS??????

Do you know who has helped S out the most with this since I brought it to their attention?  Her outside speech and OT.  Yes, they have used sessions to map and teach different aspects of retelling and writing.  They hope to spoon feed it to her so to speak, to have her learn a roadmap for herself to write.  And they have been emailing it back to the support person to try it in school.  It’s infuriating to me that to get it done we have to pay for it.  That what the school has provided is essentially useless in this area.

GRRRRRRR……..  good thing is, we found the help somewhere else.  And S is starting to learn it!  I guess we can say money well spent!

is it the beginning? or middle? and where do we go from here?

I’m feeling a bit heavy-hearted this evening.  At first I couldn’t figure out why this, what I’m about to share, bothers me as much as it does today.  But I realize it’s been building.  Today was just additional, but weights on me now.

S was out sick for 1/2 of last week and the Friday the week before.  A couple of weeks ago, she came home to tell me that the water bottle that I put in her bag everyday for snack wasn’t there.  Hmmm….I was pretty sure about remembering to put it in there, but maybe I forgot?  maybe.  It isn’t likely, but it could be possible.  A few days after that she told me a girl in her classroom had her water bottle.  S wasn’t upset by it.  She didn’t say that this girl took it from her or her bag.  But she said she had it.  My daughter drinks out of a small poland spring water bottle.  I figure, that girl must have had the same one.  Then, Thursday I labeled the bottle with S’s name on it, in red Sharpie.  She came home and said there was no water.  I wrote a note to the teacher, asking about snack procedure, where it’s kept during the day, etc.  Maybe someone was just taking the wrong bottle.  Or maybe it was rolling out of her bag.  Friday, I peeled the label off the bottle.  I wrote S’s name on it 3 times, and used the label maker to put 3 more tabs on it.  There was no mistaking this was hers.  I pick her up, and she tells me there was no water again.

I ran up and caught her teacher before she disappeared back in the bottle and asked about it.  She had no idea how that happened.  Apparently, 1/2 the class takes the snack out of their backpack and put it on a shelf.  Since S’s snack is always there, and not her water, I find that a little strange.  Her teacher told me to tell S to keep her snack in her backpack for now while she does some digging around.  She was taken back how anyone can have this highly decorated and labeled bottle.  She did say that they were having an issue with a few things disappearing, but she never saw any water bottles anywhere.  She was definitely going to keep an eye on it, and wanted me to keep her updated.

Could someone be taking my kids water bottle and it not be a mistake?  Could someone purposely be hiding it?  Or even throwing it out?  Because why would you take home a bottle that so says S’s name on it?  At first, I was thinking just an accident, or it rolled out or whatever.  Now I’m wondering if they are doing this with intent.  I’m sorry….what the hell????

Luckily enough, S, doesn’t seem bothered.  But again, what the hell?  Especially coming off a really bad cough/cold, I wanted her to be able to drink the water whenever she needed to get to it.  But really?????

This bothered me through Friday and Saturday.  The more I thought about it, the more of a bullying, but sneaky dealing, thought was underway.  By this morning, I had let it go, mostly.

I took M to a birthday party of a friend today.  She was very excited to go.  She really likes this girl.  They were in school 2 years ago, and while they were very good friends, the other girl could get really nasty to M.  Very bossy.  With M at a different school last year, I did hear through other friends that this girl pit a lot of other girls against one another.  A lot of, don’t play with her, don’t be friends with her, etc kind of crap.  I know these are girls.  I know we will have many years of this.  But it is exactly that.  CRAP.  These kids were 4, 5, and now 6 year olds.  I actually did not want these 2 to be together for Kindergarten.  I wrote notes and everything.  Not that they have a bad relationship.  They are good friends.  But I knew there was potential of this, and we live in the same neighborhood.  I just didn’t want it all right here so close.  Still, they got in the same class.  SHIT!!!

I thought it was going okay.  Nothing too much going on.  Recently, I started seeing a few things go on on the blacktop afterschool.  I don’t want you to play this, etc.  I was teaching M to say, “Well, you aren’t the boss.  I’d like to play.  We are all friends.”  I even tried the “You can’t say you can’t play” route.

M had a great time with all her friends at this party.  so much fun.  Eating cake, I kept seeing her frown.  I thought she was having problems with her juice box.  I waved her over to me.  She told me that the bday girl, and another good friend told her they weren’t her friends.  And that they were telling lies about her.  I told her to go back and tell them what they said was not nice, and that she didn’t like it.  She did.  The other friend heard her, and turned her back to M.  But I saw her watching me the whole time M was talking to me.  The bday girl was in conversation elsewhere.  She tried again with her friend, and that friend got up and hid behind her mom who was standing 2 people away from me.  Mom didn’t know, although the woman between us heard.  We went to get our shoes on, and M sat next to her good friend, who got up and went to sit next to her mom again.  I shook my head.  I didn’t take this one to be like that.  But who’s judging?

On our way out, I told M to wish the bday girl a happy birthday and thank her for the invite.  Do you know what she said?
“Happy birthday.  Thanks for inviting me to your party.  I had so much fun.  By the way, I didn’t like it when you were telling lies about me, and then said you weren’t my friend.  That wasn’t nice. and I didn’t like it.  I thought we were good friends.”  Bday girl looks up at me.  What was I supposed to do?  I just sort of shrugged.  I wasn’t expecting that speech.  Birthday girl says, “I”m sorry.  I was teasing both of you, but the other girl thought it was funny.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Sorry.  We are still friends.”

Now, I know this girl.  If I hadn’t been standing there, I don’t think that apology would have rolled right off her tongue.

This is disturbing to me.  Both scenarios.  The water bottle.  That’s just sneaky and wrong.  The birthday party…that’s very girl behavior and we are going to have a lot of that going on.  I just feel so discouraged by it tonight.  I know it’s out there.  It’s not the first time.  Won’t be the last time.  I’m not saying either of my kids are perfect and don’t measure in this equation.  In M’s case, she absolutely could.  They said they weren’t her friends after she tried to correct them.  When they kept insisting that she did something, she got mad and called them liars.  and not just any kind of liars.  the big fat kind.  Thus came the, we aren’t your friends comment.  I let M know what she was responsible for.  I want them both to know the things that they can do to ward off these types of outcomes.  But they are still young.  It’s going to happen.  I hate it.  I hate it for my girls.  I would hate it if it were my girls that did that to someone else.  I hate that kids can be so mean and are like that.  And I hate that parents aren’t accountable for their children, either.  Parent involvement is tricky.  And most of the time, I don’t like to deal with that.  But you aren’t going to be accountable for your own kid and their mistreating others?  You are just going to look the other way, or think…not my kid?  I don’t get that.  I hate to judge. I really do.   But this road…..I don’t like it.  One of the few I’d rather not see what lies ahead.

more meetings

I’m so sorry it has been soooooo incredibly long.  It has been an insane month and a half.  Nothing overwhelming and specific.  Just life, I guess.  That and I picked up a new hobby a month back that literally took every bit of free time.  I got back into knitting at the request of my little M.  And in order to get everything done in a timely fashion, before winter was over, I knitted in the car while I was waiting for them at pick up, at home if I was watching a show at night, in the waiting rooms at speech and OT.  I wasn’t knitting huge things, but they were still projects to me.  Scarves, and blankets for m’s dolls.

Then the winter was so long and cold and snowy.  I didn’t want to spend all my posts bitching about the weather.  And you know I would have had to sneak it in there every time!

So, here we are.  March!  And I pray that spring comes soon. And with the warmer, sunnier weather, comes more progress and good news.

We just got an announcement that S’s teacher, who has been on maternity leave since MLK, Jr. weekend, is due to come back next week.  She will have a 2 day overlap with the current sub.  I wanted to find out how S had been doing in these 6 weeks, so I met with the sub last week.  She taught 2nd grade for YEARS.  I had heard mixed things on her.  But I have come away with such gratitude and amazement to the depth that she knows my daughter in those few weeks.  really amazing.  Our IEP Annual Review will likely be in April or May, but I figured I should know what has happened and where S is at.

MSV sat me down last week, and laid it all out.  She said she thought S was doing well.  She was progressing, definitely learning.  MSV changed S’s seat.  She was sitting at the front table, but facing the door.  She had to turn her body to see the blackboard or whatever was up on the screen from the overhead projector.  She changed it to the next table, facing the other way.  This way, things were always right there in front of her.  2nd, the school wired the room with a speaker in the back that connects to a microphone MSV wears around her neck.  Because she walks around a lot while she teaches, her voice may get softer to those that are further away.  This speaker allows everyone to hear her at a louder volume.  She said that it has really helped S, and other children.  The new projector that works like an overhead but is larger, puts the new math sheets right up on the screen.  It’s right there visually for S to learn from, and she doesn’t have to turn in her seat to see it.  She is sitting with one of the girls that started the bathroom incidents that led to further bullying.  But MSV said there has been no issue that she has seen in the classroom.  None have been spoken about at home.

MSV said S’s focus definitely wavers, but she tries really hard to focus back.  She also has to use the bathroom a lot, especially when they are doing something new.  Between the anxiety and the energy to refocus, S is left very tired at the end of the day.  She often complains a lot about being tired in the afternoon.  That part really didn’t surprise me, but it still broke my heart.  What must go through S’s head every day.  In school. out of school.  Her worry.  Her effort to always be focused and put a hold button on her distractability.  From our point of view, she has come so far.  Yet here we are, being told, that it’s all still very much there.  I know it has been.  But to hear it from someone else.  And the effects it has on S.  hearbreaking, nonetheless.

Overall, the concerns were put out there.  But we got some great feedback.  I was really happy with all the news.

So, now that they are all hitting a groove with this sub, the regular teacher is coming back.  I didn’t have too many issues with her before.  I liked her.  But I seem to think this new sub is an even better fit.  I’m not the only one.  A few other parents say the same thing.  So we look to another new transition starting next week.  Things should be interesting.  And I can only hope that school goes off without a hitch during this transition as it did the last.

school meeting, follow up day #3

We’ve been so busy these last couple of days, and I was really just exhausted by Friday to give any updates on our most recent situation.

So Friday was another crazy day.  I woke up actually feeling a little better than I had the day before.  We had a plan, and there was nothing for me to do but get through my morning.  We had our usual morning routine of getting dressed and ready for school, eating breakfast and heading out.  S went on her happy way, and I went back home.  I got myself ready and took M to gymnastics.  S had her parent visitation at school, so I left and a friend was going to take M with her.

Visitation was such a great thing to watch.  The kids were on the rug, having a discussion about the Revision process in their writing.  Everything the teacher was doing reminded me of the stages of Writer’s Workshop when I taught it…now 7 years ago.  sigh.

But it was great.  I got to sit with S and go through her story.  7 pages long.  It was a wonderful story about visiting her grandma and grandpa’s house.  Not all of it is sequential or makes sense, but it was pleasing, nonetheless.  She was so proud.  She smiled at me when I walked in.  She kissed me when I left.  She asked me what to do if she missed me.  I told her to smile because I was thinking about her.  She waved and that was that.  I didn’t look around for the kids that had bothered her, or the parents.  I just focused on my own child and left.

After taking M to school, time went by quickly.  And then we were rushing off to school to meet with the principal and the teacher.

We were left waiting outside of the office for about 10 min.  But my husband and I were keeping things light and making each other chuckle about silly things that didn’t matter.  It helped ease anxiety and tension before going in.  We had our note of our priorities, things we wanted to know before we left.  We had a gameplan.

The principal started with for the sake of time, what did we want to know or cover so she could be sure all that was discussed.  It led us perfectly into our agenda, which she wrote down as we went through.  To her credit, she really did go through all of our points.  We were told by the teacher that the 2 girls involved with the bathroom incidents were both spoken to and parents were called.  We were a little surprised.  Also, the bathroom stall lock was replaced that Friday.  Again.  Surprised.  Facility work orders tend to take time.  This took 2 days.  hmmmm…  The teacher thought I had meant that there was 1 bathroom incident with 2 girls involved.  When I clarified that it was 2 incidents, a few days apart, with 1 girl for each, somehow made things even more serious.  And they began to understand even further our concern.  Regardless, this issue was tackled. And right away.

The lunchroom one was a little more complicated.  The aides were apparently right there to stop it.  But there is discrepancy with who said what, how it began, who were truly the culprits.  1 boy in S’s class and 1 girl in another class were originally called out.  S said it was the girl and another boy in that girl’s class.  Apparently that boy and the boy in S’s class are cousins.  Apparently that boy and the girl are in my neighborhood.  We don’t know them.  The girl told her teacher, who was doing some legwork interrogation, that she didn’t say anything.  She just watched.  My husband called them on it, though.  How can the aides be right there to step in, yet are unsure of who was involved?  But the principal clearly said, “I absolutely agree!  Isn’t that a problem!”  In reality, I’m sure the aides weren’t right there.  That’s why they are so unsure.  And because the stories are unclear, no action can be taken.  Parents aren’t called, etc.   oh, and by the way, it was 2 inches of underwear that was shown.  Nothing more.  Our response?  That’s 2 inches too many.   But everyone is now on notice.  Those aides now know they need to be hawks.  All the teachers are aware.

The principal brought back on us things that we could be working on with S to empower her.  And to work on certain unconscious behaviors that may make her stand out.  Certainly for S to have a strong voice to say, NO, or STOP.  I’ve certainly heard it, but I guess they have not!  To talk to S about privacy and what we keep covered and private.   I have seen S do this at home, but it’s a lot less.  She sometimes, very unconsciously rests her hands on the inside seam of the waist of her pants.  I see her do it on the back.  And when we read in bed, she does it in the front.  Nothing is moving.  She almost looks like she is resting her hands in a pocket or just keeping her hands warm.  But that does draw attention from others.  So we work on “quiet” hands where we can see them.  I told them that for me, at this current time, given that these 3 things have occurred in a weeks time, I didn’t feel that S was emotionally safe at school.  Regardless if she is aware or not, I am worried about her for the 6-7 hours she is in school, wondering if something else happened that day or not.  Wondering if she would be able to tell me.  I didn’t think that was something I could do, nor should do.  The lunchroom situation was definitely not a protective environment for S.  They seemed to respond to that.

She gave possibilities for lunchtime and recess supervision.  Apparently there is a quiet lunch where a small group of children eat together.  It used to be run by a social worker who would work on social skills.  That person is no longer there.  But some other aides run it, and run it the same way.  Currently, most of the kids are older.  I’m not sure that S would go for that unless some kids she knew and her age were going.  She likes being part of the main group, doing whatever everyone else is doing.  Leaving the room for speech and OT, she goes with kids in her class.  If she had to by herself, I guarantee she would protest.  I’d personally like to see some more eyes in that lunchroom and recess.  We’ll have to see about that.

I figured I will also start buying S longer shirts in hopes that her underwear is less likely to show when she is sitting down at lunch or on the rug.  To avoid extra attention.  All things I don’t think are her fault at all.  But we will do what we can do keep her covered!

My husband wanted to know about what was appropriate, what is not.  the consequences.  She said clearly what the girls did to S in the bathroom was not.  She said it was plain “mean”.  I actually appreciated that.  Sometimes we are careful of the words we choose to use so that it protects all the parties.  This one, well, I’ll take it.  The lunchroom was absolutely not appropriate.  They have never seen this happen before, especially at this young age.  She assured us that she was absolutely not taking it lightly.  She started to say when kids physically may look different or do things that make them look different, others notice.  And they want to really teach tolerance and make sure everyone is treated equally and respectfully, inspite of their difference.  My husband and I weren’t quite sure if she meant our race, being in such a minority, or something like S occasionally resting her hands in her waistline.  I mean, where did that one come from and where was she going with it.  But she continued on.

All these kids were first timers.  If anything like it happens again, the principal will either send them home, or they will serve an in-school suspension, spending the day in the office.  She went through a slew of possibilities.  It made us feel better in the sense that she was clear of the consequences to the children.

Overall, my husband turned to me at the end and asked how I felt about it.  1 to 5, 5 being the most helpful.  I said between a 3 and a 4.  He felt the same way.  That made me feel better.  We were on the same page.  We got out of it what we had hoped.  Not everything.  But she managed our agenda well.  I don’t think she was just handling us either.  We will see where this leads us.

Thanks to everyone who has been following this and given advice and feedback.  It’s been amazing to feel the support.  Thank you.

follow up day #2

So I didn’t get much sleep last night with my mind sort of playing through the days events.  I went through a wave of emotions:  anger, heartbreak, depression, sad, disgusted, fear.  And then I pulled it together to ask, what do we do from here?  What positives can I take from these incidents?

Today, I spent the day gathering all the information I could from others and giving information to others.

I didn’t hear from the principal’s office about a meeting.  So at 11am, when I got home, I made another call.  I don’t want to harass anyone, but I’m not going away.  I left a message with the secretary, who wanted to know which child I was calling about, if it was a classroom or bus issue, and what the problem was.  I could give some of that info, but you better believe I’m not going to go into it in a message over the phone!  Then she said sweetly that she would give my information to the principal, and they would get back to me.  At the time, I wondered why she couldn’t just open up the outlook calendar and find a time to meet.  I really want my husband to go in with me on this.  He has been working from home all week, and this would be the perfect week for it.  The only drawback is that he has a horrible black eye from a fall he took last week.  I’m not sure how that looks going into a school meeting with a black eye.  Not the look I was thinking for us.

Talking with a friend of mine, she asked me about S’s social worker/case manager.  Maybe we should involved her.  Our s.w. this year is the same as S’s preschool one.  She’s a nice woman.  Absolutely useless.  Not helpful in the least.  Nothing gets done.  She’s terrible about responding back to you.  Over the course of 6 weeks in late Sept through Oct, I left her 3 emails, 2 voice messages.  Nothing.  And finally she answered the last one where I said PLEASE CONFIRM receipt. and flagged it with the read notifier.  She said she never received any of those messages.  ANYWAY, I called her and went to meet her.  At the very least, I needed to put it on record and have this be part of S’s file.  Our s.w. was very receptive to our story, took it all down, and started brainstorming possible plans.  She said first and foremost, she was going to call my principal.  She should have gotten called about S from the school and was disturbed that my coming in was the first she heard.  I asked the s.w. if maybe the principal didn’t learn from it yet.  S’s s.w. responded, “No, those kids should not have gotten a time out.  They should have gone to the office and the parents should have been called.  Even if that didn’t happen yesterday, the teachers should have notified the principal, and I should have been called.”  I kind of liked it.  I felt supported somehow.  She started outlining sensitivity seminars to be scheduled for the class and teachers, anti-bullying skits, etc.  Helpful, but I think the whole grade could benefit from it at this point!  She said she would get back to me.

I made an appt to talk to S’s speech therapist (SLP), Step.  And what a wonderful fountain of support and information she is.  She started with things and strategies to help S.  Even how I have playdates with her, she came up with some suggestions to help S bond with her classmates.  Step gave helpful advice on dealing with the school and what we need to be looking for.  She thought that S needed extra support during lunch/recess when things are not as structured.  S is not in a protective environment.  She has social challenges and needs support verbally and emotionally to help navigate her through those times.  I thought it was a wonderful way to describe it to someone else.  Then she asked me if I was comfortable calling the parents of the kids that have been involved with S.  Hmmmm…..Even putting it in a way that would be asking the parent for help, and saying it all constructively…hmmmmm…..Can I call someone I’ve met once or don’t know and try to have this conversation?  Awkward, no?  Is it in S’s best interest for me to do that?  Step said the parents may be very receptive or not.  This one, I was unsure about doing.  My husband and I went back and forth on this one.  In fact, in his loving, analytical way, he drew me a diagram on the pros and cons of both sides to it.

S went on a wonderful playdate with a friend of hers from Kindergarten.  The mom knew what we were dealing with.  Actually the 2 kids from the other class are in her daughter’s class.  So she asked me yesterday if she could take S afterschool.  S was so excited.  And they live next to the park, and spent the afternoon eating leftover Halloween candy and playing in the park.  This freed up our afternoon to begin to unravel from the hurricane of emotions that have hit here.

After I picked S up, the principal called me at home.  She had gotten the message from S’s s.w. and wanted me to understand that it was not being taken lightly.  She wanted more details of our story and account.  She talked to the aide that stepped in yesterday at the cafeteria as well as talking to S’s teacher about the bathroom incidents.  She retraced the steps that each took and who they talked to.  She plans to talk to the 2 kids’ teacher tomorrow and have the teacher talk to those kids.  We are meeting tomorrow, with my husband and S’s teacher. all together.  She sounds like she is gathering all her information she needs for our meeting tomorrow.  But she also told me that the best way to come tomorrow is calm and with a collective head.  I’m sorry.  Was I hysterical or yelling or crying or did I raise my voice?  I swear that I didn’t do any of those things.  A very condescending tone.  Anyway, I pushed past that.  We will see what we see tomorrow.

I have to go into school in the morning because it is parent visitation day at the school.  I kind of am excited to go see what they do.  But I wish some time had passed since all this happened.  To go in, and see the kids that started this, and see them with their parents, doesn’t sit well.  I have to put on my smile and be polite.  I can, but it’s not easy while my own emotions are still raw.  We’ll go.

I’m heartbroken overall.  And I don’t think that I can really allow myself those emotions right now because I have to be strong and step forward to be my daughter’s advocate.  I already find myself not wanting to be as social with others here because it’s on my mind, but I don’t want to talk about it too much with people I see all the time.  I’m on the verge of crying with the few people that I talk to.  But I don’t want these feelings.  I know even if they don’t know exactly, the kids can sense I’m tense.  They see the amount of calls and long talks I’m having.  I’m so serious all of a sudden all of the time.  We’ve all been stripped of our innocence a little here.  But none of this is about me or my husband.  It’s about S.  It’s about making sure she’s growing, and learning, and thriving, and making friends, and being safe.  Physically.  Emotionally.  I pray that my happy girl remains a happy girl and we get through this and deal with this effectively.  Will let you know what happens next!

bullying follow up

So as a follow up to yesterday’s post, I wrote to S’s teacher last night about the 2 bathroom incidents.  I knew she wouldn’t get it until the morning. I explained what I was told, and told her I wanted to talk to her in person about it.  She responded very early this morning, saying she didn’t know.  She would absolutely talk to the class about rules, privacy, making smart choices, etc.  And wanted to know who were the 2 girls.

My husband was adamant that I not send her an email back with names. No way. Not because he didn’t want t give up the names.  But he didn’t think that was for email.  I should tell her in person.   So I wrote a note and sent it with S to school in her folder saying I wanted to still meet.  I was available today and tomorrow, before school, after school, during school, whatever she wanted.  Free at 7am, 7pm, at school, out of school, wherever.

So we met after school.  I went in disturbed but thought I was taking the right measures.  I came out in tears and feeling like absolute crap.

Her teacher was great about it.  We talked freely and went back and forth.  We came up with good home and classroom strategies together.  Talked about how better to help S empower herself, and how to better figure out her place with all these kids.  The problem is it happens when she is not around.  In the bathroom.

Then she let me know that something ELSE happened today.  A girl in another class and a boy in S’s class were in cohoots together telling S to pull her pants down in the lunchroom.  S later told me it was this girl and a different boy in another class.  But she said No. and they kept at it. And you know what? She did.  So, the aide runs over and is about it dig into my daughter, when thankfully a few kids jumped up and said it wasn’t S’s fault.  These other 2 kids kept telling her to.  So these 2 kids were given a time out.

I’m sorry. I think time outs are great in certain situations.  This is not one of them. What’s missing a little bit of recess?  No, they should have been taken to the principal’s office and, their parents should have been notified at the very least.  You bet I would have wanted to know if my kid did that to someone else.  On our side,  S should NOT have done it. period.  I’m speechless.  It’s clear to me that her social awareness, her lack of judgement in these situations is not on par.  However, these kids…..I don’t even know what to say.  And they are from a DIFFERENT class?  So is word spreading through the whole grade that my daughter will do anything anyone tells them to do?  I’m so upset about this on so many different levels.  Singling her out.  Working past her initial no.  Pestering her to do things.  And now everyone has seen this.  This is one of those “OMG” moments in a 1st grade cafeteria.  And I’m thinking, damn it’s only the 2nd week of November!

I have feared for a long time something like this would happen.  And we have been working with her for so long on strong responses to inappropriate things.  But obviously it’s not there.  We’ll have to go back to lots of role playing, puppets, and dolls.

I have struggled with how involved I should be in the past.  S needs to learn these life skills and she won’t learn them if I step in everytime.  But she doesn’t have them!  Clearly.  And of course I will use it as a teachable moment. But this is beyond me.  Her teacher isn’t there for recess or lunch.  The aides are there.  And if the 1st and 2nd grade eat together, that’s over 200 kids for how many aides?  They can’t get to everything.  But it’s NOT OKAY with me.  Nor should it be okay with them!

So we have called and are trying now to make an appointment with the principal.  This can’t keep going on.  I wonder her reaction and what she plans to do.

I am wondering how to get through to S.  But this is such a huge part of her speech and language disorder.  It’s part of the reason we thought she might have been PDD-NOS.

I’m wondering about the parents of these kids.  Will the school tell them?  What happens to the kids?  Are they on notice?  Will they be looking to pay special attention?  But then it spreads?  They can’t watch everyone.  And I don’t know who would jump on this bandwagon.

I’m so upset.  And I just want to kick some asses myself.  But that’s not going to help S.  I worry for her now and later. I worry for her emotional safety.  I worry that she doesn’t seem to know what they are asking of her.  I worry about the choices we all have made and are making.  The choices that she makes or will make.  I worry about those kids who are putting their bullying ways to use and spreading word.  oh………