here we go…again????

You know, I truly believe S has had the best placement this year for school.  Her teacher, her classmates, it’s been a great mix.  Sure you have some kids that may not do the nicest of things.  But her 22 other classmates are all truly good hearted.  They are not mean-spirited.  They don’t go out to intentionally hurt others.  That doesn’t mean that they don’t hurt others or tease or do unkind things.  I mean, though, that they are not mean-spirited.  mean hearted.  There is a big difference.

I have been listening to a bunch of friends these past few months about how unhappy they are in the placement of their daughter.  How there are so many mean girls in this grade.  And I was silently thankful that they aren’t in S’s class!

So today, we were seeing Step, and I get a message on my phone.  A friend of me is wondering if I have talked to S about what happened at lunch, and that if I want, to call her.  Her daughter saw it unfold.

My first reaction…..What the hell happened at lunch?  Second reaction…..Why didn’t S say anything?    Third reaction……how bad could it be?    Fourth…….how much happened that something had to unfold?

I feel like it’s deja vu.  I’m back to my conversation with another friend asking me if  S told me about what happened in the bathroom…only this time its lunch.  A part of me doesn’t want to make the call.  But I do.

With her daughter feeding the lines next to her, I hear that S’s friend sitting next to her, turns to a girl at another table behind them, and says, “Watch this.”  Then turns to S, and says, “Hey, say I’m weird.”  S apparently laughs and says, “I’m weird.”  The whole table gets a kick out of it.  My friend’s daughter tells them that they are being mean (thank goodness for those that stick up for others).  We have a longer conversation about some other stuff.  All of it more heartbreaking things.  Another friend in S’s Brownie troop that said she wished S wasn’t in their troop.  etc.

Sigh.  S is not going to be liked by everyone.  Even if she wasn’t quirky, or odd, or loud, or talking out of turn, etc….even if she was the most typical child on the planet, not everyone likes everyone.  She is going to encounter situations where people will try to use her as their entertainment.  We have to teach S and give her the tools to be her own future advocate, starting with saying NO to people who tell her to do or say something.  I thought we had.  But I had not anticipated that last year’s situation and this year’s situation would not translate as the same type of scenario for her.  (for part of last year’s incidents, view http://blindlyflying.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/bullying-follow-up/ )  She knows not to show her privates off to anyone or lift her shirt if they tell her etc.  But people telling her to say unflattering things about herself apparently is different.

We can talk about mean girls or bullying all we want.  I’m so discouraged by the things I’ve seen, by what I’ve heard from so many this year, and that NOTHING is done about it in school by most.  S’s teacher I can see she will actually address it.  This is her strong point.  more so than her academic teaching.  But others just let it slide, including the principal.

My job as S’s mom is not to go out there swinging for other kids.  Sure, I will bring it to the attention of the teacher and make it be known how it all came down.  But my job is for S.  My job is to give her tools, words, to teach her that this is not okay.  She should not be okay with any of this.  She should not want people telling her what to do or say, no matter how silly.  She should not be okay that they are all laughing, even if she doesn’t understand that they are laughing at her.  Friends do not do that to other friends.  Not where they use her to be the center of their entertainment.

But the protective mom side of me is:  How dare they!  How dare they choose the one who can’t see the difference.  The one who is such a people pleaser that she sees nothing wrong in it!  The one who is truly so kind hearted.  She sure has some flaws to her personality but she is incredibly sweet.  How dare they!!

And I go back to, this kind of shit I absolutely believe would have been a million times worse this year if she had been in any of the other 4 classes, or if even just 1 of the REALLy mean girls were apart of this class. That kind of poison spreads so quickly.  So do we take our blessings and sweep it under the rug?  NO.  we don’t sweep it under.  We do the right thing.  We mention it to the teacher.  Not with a what are you going to do about it kind of attitude.  but a listen….here’s what we heard.  Do you happen to know about it and how far this really went?  We are doing out part at home.  We just thought you should know.

And now we play the game of the first round.  again.

our spring break trip=break from habits

The kids had spring break starting on Good Friday.  Things felt so busy and crazy before that.  But I also felt that things were starting to be better.  S was having less and less meltdowns, and she was coming out of  school much happier.  Her re-eval testing was going well.  I was feeling more encouraged.

Bedtime was hit or miss with S, though.  She would be very happy and head upstairs and sometimes she would be fine. Sometimes she would start to get anxious and cry.  But all that was getting better through the first week of April.  The strange change she clung to was who was going to read to her at night.  For YEARS, it has always been my husband.  She would tolerate me reading, but she really did prefer him.  Then for a short stretch, it didn’t really matter so much.  The last couple of weeks leading into break, it had to be me.  She would ask over and over again who was going to read to her. She would insist that it would be me.  A couple of times when it was my husband, she would start to cry.  It’s a very odd thing for us, because more than anything, she has always been Daddy’s girl.  ALWAYS.  You hear that babies are born,  and seek their mother, and naturally root for their breast.  Nope.  Not with us.  She would only want me when she wanted to nurse.  Later, as she got a little older into baby months, she would look to me to feed her and for comfort.  Yet, she wanted her dad.  It went on for years, or rather until this year.  Strange.

We took a cross country trip to California to meet our new nephew and niece twins!  So exciting!  We were going to spend time with our 3 1/2 yr old nephew and meet his twin siblings!  While we were at it, we were going to try to meet up with some friends, too.

What a trip.  A couple of days in warm and sunny San Diego.  Amazing.  We went to some beaches, saw some amazing views, went to Sea World.  We just had fun.  Exhausting but fun.

Then we headed up for warmer LA.  We saw my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews and nieces.  The girls and my older nephew haven’t seen each other in a year and a half.  They hit it off after an initial 5 min shy period.  They played like they  played everyday.  How my girls took to these babies, especially M.  oh, just melted my heart.

Over the next 3 days, we saw 3 different family friends, 1 of them spent the day in Disneyland with us.  They all had so much fun together.  I guess after 3 full days of just the 4 of us, the girls were excited to be with friends.  Even friends they just met.  S got into the mix with all of them, too.  She also knew when she had had enough and went to find some quiet time for herself, too.  I found that very encouraging that she was able to monitor what she wanted and needed to do.  The days were very long, with lots of transition, yet fulfilling for everyone.

For someone who is so adverse to change, S travels very well.  S and M both love transportation rides.  Planes, trains, taxis, trolleys, bikes, etc.  They love it all.  They love hotels and hotel rooms.  Each one is different with different amenities.  They look forward to each experience.  Maybe because we are all together and there is always someone to sleep with that make them more comfortable.  Even if we did a 1bdr, the girls would share that room together.  Or if we were all in one room, then they fall asleep and wake to us being in the room with them.  I don’t know.  I just find it strange yet very encouraging.

Upon coming home, there have been no fusses about who reads bedtime stories.  No fusses about pretty much anything. Just very happy faces going to be at night.  Now, it’s significantly later in the night than they are used to because they are still operating on PST.  But it seems for right now, those fussy habits have stopped with the break from our own routine.  Maybe that’s the key, we need to go away for a night to break the night routine!  LOL!  Obviously that’s not really an option, but it is food for thought now.

 

when the “help” just doesn’t seem to help

We recently went on a trip and visited a family we hadn’t seen in 4 years.  The last time we met up, S was just 4, and we were just discovering this world of special needs.  All we had in place was speech.  OT was going to be starting a couple weeks after that.  Catching up from there, what a whirlwind our lives both seemed to have been.  It made me take a hard look at the last 4 years.  It’s been a lot to pack in.  But it was encouraging to explain things, and to not be experiencing those particular events anymore.  I mean, S has changed! and progressed!  and thing manifest differently now than they used to.  My friend said it must have been an exhausting time for us.  I think back.  Yes it has been.  but the most exhausting part now really is what we deal with in school.  School is the biggest emotional player for me now.

There are the typical things that do come home that cause us all stress.  Homework that maybe S doesn’t get.  or the occasional tears about not wanting to play some game at recess that the others were trying to have her play.  Or the story about how someone was mean to someone else.  But I’m talking about stress coming from teachers that are put in place to help, but they don’t.

S has the most wonderful teacher this year.  I can see if a parent had a typical child in there, and you really wanted to see your child challenged….you wouldn’t be so happy then with her.  She is a wonderfully, warm and caring woman.  Truly.  She is not the strongest academically.  Is S learning?  absolutely.  She is learning tricks to math through acronyms that are sticking.  S is absolutely unchallenged in spelling, but since she struggles in other areas, I welcome the breeze through habits she has with it.  But this teacher is all about emotional growth and safety.  How the kids treat one another. How they respect each other.  How they grow as human beings.  These are the areas I think so few teachers take the time to develop, and in the grand scheme of things, is the most important.  Who cares if these kids can do equivalent fractions if they can’t learn to respect and tolerate others?

In this inclusive, general ed classroom, also comes support.  An aide and a special ed in class teacher.  It’s usually hit or miss with aides in the school.  You get some really great ones.  Or you get a crappy one where you wonder what the hell one has to do to become an aide.  Some have absolutely no business working with children.  Some you hope you get every year.  Our aide. Top notch. no complaints.

Our in class special ed support person?  Where the hell did they get her?

She’s new to the district.  Honestly, she is a nice person.  I have nothing against her crazy frizzy hair, or the smile that tries too much.  All I care about is how you are going to help my child.  Last year, we had one who started out okay and ended horribly.  She was so stuck inside her little box that she had no idea how to help S when her abc methods weren’t working.  There was no d,e,f or x,y,z.  So I had hoped this year’s support person would be able to think outside the box a little, as well as have some other strategies to help S figure things out.

When I reach out to her, she always responds.  This is a huge plus.  I can appreciate that!  She over highlights on the math hw, but still, the effort to draw S’s attention to certain details helps.  I can appreciate that, too.

I went in to meet with her in February, beginning of March.  We talked about S’s writing.  S has a real gift for writing.  She can write a 50 pg book if we let the pen fly, with almost no spelling errors.  It’s not organized to the reader and makes absolutely no sense.  But she can do it!   If you have S explain it all, you can start to follow her thought process and pattern.  But it’s all jumbled up there.  It comes out all jumbled on paper.  The support person kept saying, “I keep trying to get her to think as the reader, not just herself.”  But to do that, you have to assume that S can think from another’s perspective as she writes.  We focus so much of her therapy on her so it can be applied and drawn out.  But writing, even jumbled writing, has been her self therapy.  It’s where she goes to relax and get it all out for herself.  I understand the need for it to be organized and make sense to the reader.  But it’s not going to happen until she is able to do that verbally as well.  And that hasn’t happened yet.  Telling a story is still so broken when she tells it.

I can see this support person has tried a few things.  I found that encouraging.  But she admitted during this meeting, “I have hit a wall with S and her writing.  I just don’t know what we can do to help her.  I’m lost.”  Brave yet stupid thing to admit to a parent.  But what was the worst was that we were only at the beginning of March!  There are another 3 months to go!  What the hell is going to happen for the final 3 months?  As the re-eval looms, as the NJ PASS (2nd grade standardized tests) loom, as we figure out what she needs for next year in her IEP!?

This teacher gives off a very nervous energy. When kids are not doing her will, she starts to fly off the handle and her own anxious energies come out.  This does not bode well for my daughter.  So S then doesn’t want to go to small group work with this support teacher and puts up a fight-something she hasn’t really done before in other years.  That speaks VOLUMES to me.

I have found since then that while her special ed teacher is really nice and does mean well, she isn’t helpful.  She hasn’t been.  I asked her if she spoke to the speech therapist since the writing is going to be connected to S’s verbal skills.  She just stared at me.  Told me she never thought of doing that.  THEY ARE ALL THERE TOGETHER IN THE SCHOOL!  WHY ARE YOU NOT THINKING TO COLLABORATE WITH OTHERS??????

Do you know who has helped S out the most with this since I brought it to their attention?  Her outside speech and OT.  Yes, they have used sessions to map and teach different aspects of retelling and writing.  They hope to spoon feed it to her so to speak, to have her learn a roadmap for herself to write.  And they have been emailing it back to the support person to try it in school.  It’s infuriating to me that to get it done we have to pay for it.  That what the school has provided is essentially useless in this area.

GRRRRRRR……..  good thing is, we found the help somewhere else.  And S is starting to learn it!  I guess we can say money well spent!

Re-evaluation years

Every 3 years,  a child with an IEP, by law, has to have the district do a full educational evaluation of the child.  This way, a child study team is taking the time to figure out where theatchild is after 3 years of the different services that have been offered.  They have 60 days to complete it, and report back all finding back to the parents.

3 years ago, S had her first evaluation in the district.  She was 5 years old and in PreK.  It was a nightmare for 2 months for us.  Everyday, S would fight going to school and be super emotional during the day and at home.  She didn’t want to go to speech if she was by herself or to OT.  She must have figured out if she was going alone, all the attention was on her, and she would be peppered with questions.  When S is asked question after question, without the reassurance that she has it right or wrong, she starts 2nd guessing herself.  And once she is unsure, she stops really answering questions.  The shutdown begins.  By the time the final piece, the psych eval was getting done, this poor kid was fried.  She refused to go with the psychologist so her teacher had to sit with them and hold S on her lap.  She refused to answer many parts of the test, and only did a little.  In the end, we were told that the psych eval was incomplete.  The rest of it was finished and the doctor wrote what she could.  But it was left that way.  Incomplete.

3 years later,  8 years old, in 2nd grade, we enter the process again.  I was told that the psych eval took 2 sessions but were able to be complete it.  The speech has just finished, as well.  The learning specialist has to do her part, and the OT has to finish theirs.  Then we will be done.  We are almost 30 days into our time limit.  Not bad  I say.

There have been some tears about school this time around.  There have been some tears about other things at bedtime or afterschool.  There has been general moodiness this winter and going into the spring.  And I’m left wondering……is it the re-eval process again that is leaving her so unsure?  Is it that she is more aware of all these things and has other feelings on it?  Is she 8 and some hormonal fluxes leaving this child uneasy and pendulant swinging emotions?

I have been in constant contact with the different people doing the testing and her teacher.  All have been supportive.  I wonder all the time how accurate any of these tests are of S’s true abilities.  She is such a finicky test taker, in class and standardized.  Will it have any real insight for us on our daughter?

3 years ago, her speech teacher sat me down to discuss the report.  She scored so low in so many expressive categories.  If any of you have been through any process of scoring or testing, you may know what I speak.  Its always the most depressing thing to read.  I know my child is bright.  And I know that she has many different issues.  But seeing scores, and percentages, even if I don’t put too much meaning in it, they still glare out at you.  2%, 14%, 65%, it doesn’t matter.  It hurts.  Not that I am expecting these 98% anywhere.  I mean, she wouldn’t need all this support and an IEP if that were the case.  But still.  It’s a difficult pill to swallow each time we come to it again.

So S’s speech teacher went over everything in private.  She explained how she couldn’t prod beyond the questions or give more clues.  She had to read everything the way it was written.  S was looking for reassurance and knew things worded differently.  But she couldn’t get points on these questions because they couldn’t give it to her how she knew it.  She didn’t think the scores were indicative of S’s abilities.  Yet this is where she was testing.

What are we supposed to do with that  now?  She isn’t testing well.  Her skills are scattered.  What she needs most is confidence and reassurance which standardized tests don’t give us.

So far I have to say, I’m happy to see that S must have matured to have gotten through the testing as she has had to so far.  With some anxiety, but not what it was 3 years ago.  That’s a great sign.  But I have anxiety with where she is going to come out.  Not anxious about her services.  If anything, the way she tends to test, they have to give her the support.  Her scores indicated it’s what she needs to have.  But will there be true improvement?  I mean, yes, there is. I know she has many more skills than she did 3 years ago.  But will we have improved within the same rate to be in the same percentages and in raw score as we did 3 years before?  I have to believe yes it should.  But what if it’s all equivalent?  What does that mean?  What do we have to change?  The questions never really seem to end.  There is an ebb and flow of when it’s better and worse.  But they never stop, do they?

couples

M has been playing house in her pretend play for a long, long time.  Recently, in the last month or so, she has named herself a husband.  Brutus.  Where she got this name, who knows.  I always assumed we would play names of our friends.  She has had a huge admirer over the past year.  But no, it’s not him.  My son-in-law is Brutus.  Brutus is a construction worker, turned handyman, turned jack of all trades, including logging in many hours on his computer.   Doing what?  I don’t know.  M and Brutus have 3 girls, too.  It’s M’s job to take care of them.  Taking time off from her fashion designing.  M takes all of her kids to swim lessons, karate, to the babysitting room while she goes to work out, and to school.  She drinks her coffee in the car while listening to music.

I’m honestly afraid of some of the things that might come up in play.

It’s very interesting listening to her play by herself.  Her daughters occasionally fight with each other, and she referees them.  And I hear sternness in her voice when she corrects them.  She is very loving to her babies, which is a comfort to me.  Hopefully, she thinks I’m loving to her, too????

S doesn’t do a lot of pretend play.  She expresses a lot of things in her drawings and stories.  Happy faces, very sad and mad faces.  Storytelling in an abrupt and non continuous flow.  But it’s all there when I’m asking about it.  The person is mad because they were not allowed to choose a MarioKart character by themselves.  This person is feeling anxious because the nightlight bulb went out while she was sleeping.  Life imitating art, or art imitating life.  There is less of a where it begins and how it ends, but more of a this is what is happening in the middle.

I saw this couple today in the parking lot at the grocery store.  I’d say in their 70s.  Plain old nasty to each other.  They bring 2 packed carts to unload to the car.  I was parked next to them, unloading my own car, wondering why they needed so much food?  Wife asked what was in the bag he was passing her.  He went off!  ”How the hell am I supposed to know what is in there.  I don’t have x-ray vision.  Open the damn bag and look at it youself.  Hell, you were the one who bagged these.”  It went on for awhile.  To the very end.  He put the cart away, and came back to open the door, it was locked.  Then they start yelling at each other.  And I can’t back out until he gets in the car, so I’m left waiting….listening.

What’s the point of this anecdote?

I often wonder what we leave behind for our kids, in the present.  I see how they play out in their work, in their play.  But life is not always happy happy, and marriage most certainly is not.  It’s a lot of work.  And if so far, we are able to pass off to our kids that we are a loving married couple with these 2 kids, great.  But how do we go from that to that couple I saw today?  We have fought and debated in front of the kids.  We don’t yell and scream at each other, but kids are perceptive.  They know when things are amiss between their parents.  I want them to know that these relationships are work, with a lot of give and take.

Seeing a lot of things lately have been bringing tears to my eyes.  That story of the father who fell trying to catch a ball at the baseball game for his son dies.  Seeing the video that his son went back to the Rangers ballpark, and threw out the first pitch at the Divisional Series Game.  Baseball pitch caught by the player who originally threw the ball up to his father right before the fatal fall.  Today, that crazy 15 car wreck in the NASCAR race.  I saw a picture of the driver who died, after he won a race in May, with his wife, toddler son, and tiny baby.  What will they take with them from their parents?

As my parents get older, I no longer take their presence here for granted.  How long will they remain in my girls’ life?  What will they remember of their grandparents?

I guess, I’m just wondering of what kinds of legacies we are leaving behind.  Do I want to be remembered for kissing them every night and singing a little tune at bedtime?  Or do I want to be remembered for bringing my daughters to tears because she forgets to bring her homework home.

I know this isn’t the most pleasant of subjects to be thinking about.  But it has been weighing heavily for a little while now with me.  Thought it might help to put it out there.

 

first communications

2 full weeks of school.  A few bumps, but we are getting through them.  It hasn’t been easy. but it’s been okay.  You know one very important thing that has helped us all?  The kids’ teachers.  Hands down.  This is some of the best communications we have ever had, especially right off the bat.

S’s teacher.  She’s new to the district, but she is great.  Enthusiastic.  experienced.  newly pregnant (we’ll get to that one later).  and always thinking.  I love that about her.  Notes are always going home to parents, not always newsletters.  FYI things.  reminders.  Her communication in particular to S…She was the one that asked if it was okay if S had a notebook that we could both write in to each other.  She emails, of course, but usually only first thing in the morning.  So this way it would be right in front of her.  When I asked for a phone conversation last week, she made a call during her prep period.  I know how important those breaks are when the kids are in specials, or her home time with her kids at night.  S’s Kindergarten teacher usually called around 5pm.  I told her teacher I would talk when it was most convenient to her because I could appreciate her need for prep or home.  Her response, “It’s my job to make sure we communicate and help S together.”  I don’t know if she is spewing out all the right things, but she has made it obvious that she cares.  She cares about S, the class, and the parent involvement.

M’s teacher sends home a weekly newsletter!  Ok that’s seriously new.  monthly yes.  weekly no.  But it has just details of things they are learning.  And better yet, WHY they are learning it.  I loved this program when S was in it.  They said it has changed, but they are still going with the why behind it.  The class really is like any other nursery or 4s class out there.  But there is so much meaning behind each piece that they do.  And maybe other teachers do it well, but we are not always thinking about how it’s important and why.  They just go out and do it.  And as a parent, it makes a huge difference in how I am perceiving M’s PreK education.

I feel good with the kids’ placement this year.  They are both adjusting to it all still, but they are getting there.

taking a pause

You know, so much of what we do day to day…it’s just stuff.  It’s not that it’s important.  Of course it is, most of the time.  But it’s so easy to get caught up in that day to day, week to week, that you forget to take your head out of the sand.  And then in one moment, something HUGE makes everything else you work towards seem so insignificant.  That’s the kind of week we’ve had in this house.

We were so geared for the first day of school, and the 2nd, and the 3rd, etc.  So much anxiety riding on it.  And it ended up being great for both S and M.  At home, M was not really listening to us.  Well, who am I kidding?  She doesn’t listen that great, but it was really bad and blatant those first few days of school (and we are only on day 6 folks! 7 is tomorrow!).  Both my husband and I were getting frustrated.  Plus we were trying to keep emotions calm and in check so that neither kids rode a bad wave from us.  S needed us to be just level and calm as she was still hypersensitive in that first week of school.

A good friend of mine lost her mother last week to cancer.  It was a long, brave battle for her mother and for the family.  A bunch of us went to support her at the wake.  It had been such a long time since I had been to one.  Stirred up many memories.  But with all the other bullshit that was going on in my life leading up to it, I just took a step back and said, “You know what, crazy lady?  It’s not important.  There are a million reasons why I could get upset and pissed off at people, but is it worth it?  At the end of the day, I have my family, and I need to hold onto that.  My family and friends know where I stand and who I am.  I don’t really need anything else.”

When I got home that night, I got a call about a  family member, a little girl we haven’t gotten a chance to know well, because they live far.  They found a brain tumor.  She’s under 2.  Stunned.  Absolutely stunned.  My mother and father were in full force, finding out what they could, rearranging their schedules to fly out to help, everything.  The next 12 hours were such a blur.  The kids didn’t have school the next day because of the Jewish holiday.  But I was so busy with my mother, who was helping out here that week, we paid almost NO attention to the girls.  They were happy to play and be on their own.  And I pulled out some cool new things to occupy them.

My mother left to pick up my father from the airport.  He had been in Korea and was coming back that day anyway.  The next morning, they flew out.  We got reports back every few hours.  Things weren’t looking good.  It was a large tumor.  Lots of jargon was thrown around.  Blood work, an MRI, a spinal tap.  And finally the surgery at the beginning of the week.

Without going into so much detail, her surgery was a 5-6 hr one.  I can’t even begin to imagine being her parents during that time.  My parents weren’t very solid during that time.  I was having a hard time all afternoon, thinking of all kinds of things.  In the end, we could breathe some relief.  The tumor was removed.  It was not malignant.  No blood transfusions necessary.  She would need time to recover.  I’m sure there will be therapies involved.  I hope she can go home soon to her brother and sister who are patiently waiting for their little sister and parents to come!  The prognosis is cautiously positive.

I look at my little family and just think how quickly things can turn.  Literally at the blink of an eye.  You can be on the biggest high and the floor just falls out from under you.  You can be at the bottom of the barrel and start climbing your way out.  The nature of life are precious moments can change the course of your life forever.  I look at M who yes, let’s admit it, can be a pain in the ass sometimes.  But I told my husband, I’d rather have her that way and healthy, than the other way.  S, with her delays and issues, still has her health at the end of the day.  I’m grateful.  and for so much.  To have my family, and my family of brothers and sisters and their families, of my parents, and the family of my husband’s side (yes…I am including ALL of them!).  Both sides have endured some hardships this year.  Financially, health.  But without your health, you got nothing.  You can’t do anything.  I’m grateful that we’ve been blessed so far.  Grateful that that little girl has got more time with us on this planet.  Sure they will have some hardships and struggles coming as she gets back up and on her feet in the coming months.  And we plan to help them as much as we can, however we can.  But we’ve been given that chance.

So, yet again, at the end of the day, the day to day stuff…it has to happen.  We have to take care of it.  We have to deal with it.  But the priority list has shuffled again.  The bullshit.  The stupid stuff that make adults look like middle school kids again.  It’s just that.  It’s not that I can’t be bothered with it.  It’s all right there in front of me.  But I can’t think of it as so important and all encompassing.  And I can’t fix everything.  I’ve accepted my capabilities.  and right now, I’m just going to squeeze my family tight.  Every day.  Every night.

1st 2 days=1st week of school

So there we have it.  The first two days of school are done, and that, my friends, is the first week of school.  They were on for 2 days.  Now off for 2 days for the Jewish holiday.  I was a nervous wreck over the Labor Day weekend worrying about how the first few days were going to go.  M was starting a new school.  S, a new grade and a full day.  I really couldn’t have asked for a smoother start.  Maybe next week will be different when we go a full 5 straight days.  But I will take this mini celebration for whatever it is worth.

My mom came to stay with us for a few days while all of us were figuring out our schedule.  S had to be at school by 8:25am.  As comes every year for the first day/week of school, parking around the school is a nightmare.  I figured the girls should be eating breakfast by 7:30am and we should be firmly out the door by 8:05am.  I haven’t had a morning drop off in elementary school…well ever! just the pre-school that the kids spent their first 2 years in.  That was a 9am drop off!

I left M at home with my mom to lounge around.  S was fine the night before school.  Fine the morning of.  I wonder if she really KNEW or realized that she was going to school.  I felt like I was living someone else’s life.  Where were the tears?  Where was the whining?  Where was the I don’t want to go to school talk?  S gave me a funny look when we were getting dressed and headed downstairs, but no complaints.  She wasn’t particularly hungry, but I made her eat whatever she could.  As she saw me packing her lunch, with round eyes, she asked, “Am I going to school today??!!”  I smiled big and said, “You sure are!”  very quiet response.

Still, S was out the door and okay getting into the car.  She looked around and didn’t see her sister.  The quick ride to school was all about why M wasn’t coming, why didn’t she go to school.  The thought that they wouldn’t be on the same schedule never occurred to S.  They have never been on the same schedule!  But then again, they have never been in the same school together before.

The walk from the car to school, S was getting more and more tense.  But still no tears and no big fight.  No hair pulling.  no kicking and screaming.  No scratching her face or neck.  Just tense.

The morning PreK, 1st grade and 2nd grade were all on the black top lining up. The Kindergarten was just around the corner.  3 sections of PreK.  5 sections of 1st.  5 sections of 2nd.  Parents.  Cameras.  Kids crying.  Kids just waiting.  Some kids playing on the side.  strollers.  younger siblings.  It was pure mayhem.  The teachers took awhile to come out.  Then they went through the line introducing themselves to kids and parents.  Oh……it took 30 min for S’s class to finally make the walk into the school.  Waiting is the worst part for S.  She didn’t look comfortable, but neither did she look phased.  She just looked…..well, bored and hot.  The sun was beaming down on all of us.  There are really only so many pictures you can take of them in line!  Although I won’t complain.  This is the very first year that I can take pictures of S’s first day of school because she is usually hysterically crying on the way!

It was a lot to take in, for me.  I had all this pent up anxiety myself about how things would go.  And goodness, did S surprise me this year.  Really, she did.  But I had no place to put all this extra “stuff” of mine!

The 2nd day, she made a quiet walk from the car to the blacktop and lined up.  She said hi to her friends as they came.  She said hi to friends that were in her class last year that were heading to different lines.  They were in a lot faster today.  She turned to look at me, and caught the teary faces of a couple of her classmates.  ”Bye mom.  I won’t cry.  I like being happy.”  I had to blink back my own tears.

I didn’t worry too much about M’s transition.  She makes friends quite easily, and she took to her teachers and new friends right away.  Still, you never know sometimes.  M didn’t have to be at school until 12:15pm.  Even if we leave around 12:05 or a little after, we make it with plenty of time.  At 11:59am, I looked around.  M was standing next to the door, socks and new Ariel light up sneakers on, backpack on, waiting for me.  I told her we had some time.  ”Mom, but we don’t want to be late, do we?  It’s the first day.  We shouldn’t be late.”   I had no response.  I grabbed my keys and bag, and out we went.  When the doors opened, she never looked back at me once.  Climbed the steps and ran in to line up.  It was the same thing today.

When both kids came out, they were a bit tired, very thirsty, but happy.  Both of them.  They chatted about all the exciting things they did that day.  Both went to the library today.  M was very detailed for the first time about a Big Book they read today.  Franklin Goes to School.  Very exciting stuff.  S was excited that they went to Art on the first day and to the Library on the 2nd day.  And now S wants to take the bus.  We aren’t far enough away to qualify for bus services, but she wants to take it!

If it has to be any way, this is the start I would want for both of them.  Excited about school.  Happy that they are going.  Happy and eager to learn and meet new friends.  Definitely not the crying route or having to be peeled off my leg.  And shame on me for even assuming the worst.  Days like this week, I am so grateful for maturity, for the giant leap forward they both took.  I actually miss them both during the afternoon!  I am so used to having some time with S and M each.  And we are all happy to be together at 3:15pm.  I will have no complaints about this week on anything.  And I just pray this continues as they get used to it all!

The last steps

5 years ago, when I was just pregnant with M, I started researching area pre-schools for S.  We had just moved in the summer  to the area.  I wasn’t ready for suburban living, nor was I ready to look at pre-schools.  And I was definitely not ready to manage 2 kids!  But, the fall was ending, and I had heard that pre-school sign-ups would be opening in January or February.  I wanted to tour and take a look at who would be spending the most time with my daughter, outside of our home.

I saw a few schools.  Based on the recommendation of a good friend, I went with WH.  I wasn’t disappointed.  S cried and would cry at drop off for the 1st month.  But she always came to me with a big smile at pick up.  She made sweet friends.  Her 2 teachers were the type that just accepted the whole child, with everything they came with.  I loved them.  The teachers, the school, those families…they made that first child, first school experience incredibly rich and memorable for me.  I knew one of the other families in our class going in.  And met 1 more at the orientation in May.  The friend, I knew, Kesp, was in my playgroup.  She and I were getting closer.  She was pregnant with her 3rd child, due 4 months after me.  Her son and S were good buddies at first meeting.  They bonded through that first year.  And the next year.  The other friend, Jefa, was pregnant with her 2nd child 3 months behind me.  Her daughter also bonded well with S that year, and the next.  We continued a playgroup for the younger children the 2nd year of S’s preschool program with other moms. To this day, Kesp and Jefa and I remain close friends.  Our kids still have their close connection.  They all go to different schools but maintain close ties and many playdates.  Jefa and I moved S and her daughter to the public PreK program last year.  So we saw each other then.

S leaving WH was a hard transition for me emotionally.  It was all we knew.  And I was sad to see S separated from her friends of the first 2 years.  But it was a necessary change with S’s growing issues.  And in hindsight, it was the best move for us.  But also in hindsight, WH was the best place for us.

M started at WH the year S left.  She had the same 2 teachers that S had started out with.  What a class they had.  I had thought it would have felt different the 2nd time around, with a different child.  It was just as equally magical and lovely as the first time around.  I could not have asked for a better school experience for either.  M never even cried being dropped off.  She was familiar with the school having gone in and out of it since she was 6 months old!  She saw one of her teachers in the park a lot since she ran the summer rec program in the park near our home.  We felt like we were walking back home again.

The 2nd year did not disappoint, either.  M has made such strong friendships this year.  Learned to share, still learning to use her words, but I have seen so much growth from her this year.  Her teachers, while loving S, did have difficulties really knowing how to handle and address S’s anxieties and lack of language.  They had a different experience with M, too.  They took on her personality, pros and cons, and nurtured it and let it grow.  Because I wasn’t hung up on and in turmoil myself about M the way I had been with S at that time, I allowed myself to really enjoy her experience, too.

The last days of preschool, we were saying bye, and it hit me.  Wow.  This was the last time I would be walking through WH in the capacity I had been for 4 straight years.  It hit her teachers.  And then right at the end, we bumped into M’s first year teacher.  She gave M a big hug and said to have a nice summer.  She looked at me, and waved, saying, “I can’t wait to see you in September.”  I felt bad, but said we weren’t coming back.  Surprised, she took M in for a longer hug, and then the tears started in her eyes.  Oh, boy…here came the wave.  The tears started in my eyes.  This is one of the loveliest people you can ever meet. A grandmotherly lady, with an incredible heart and so much overflowing love to give to the kids.

As we walked away from the building to the car, I looked back.  Bye WH.  We may even be back for an enrichment or 2.  But at this point, we have no more children to send.  It has been an amazing 4 years here.  My kids both have fond memories and great friends.   WH has been good to us.  We will miss the WH families and teachers.  It’s time to move on. And it’s nice to be able to move on with good memories.  knowing in our hearts that this was the perfect place for us for the past 4 years.

The IEP meeting

The long awaited, and 1/2 dreaded IEP came and went yesterday.  I started looking over the IEP in place for this current school year.  I wanted to see where S came into the school year and how far she came based on the goals that were given.

If you are reading this, and have never heard of an IEP before, it stands for Individualized Education Plan.  A child in special ed, or getting any services from the school district must have an IEP in place.  It’s a legal document with remarks from teachers and therapists. Recommendations.  Test scores if evaluations were done.  It is a lengthy package.  It states what services are currently in place and what will be in place the following year.  Straight foward, right?  It’s so not. And if you are not educated on your rights or get picky about wording, you’d be surprised how often the district will violate your rights or the IEP.

For example, some children have a personal aide in the classroom, what is called   a shadow aide.   You can get an aide.  but you might get someone not trained for the job,  or someone who incapable of caring for themself, muchless be there for a child.  But the wording in the IEP is an aide.  Doesn’t say what kind of an aide, nor does it say a “physically functioning adept  and trained aide”.  It just says aide.  It’s legal. and binding. and they don’t have to tell you anything about it, or if the aide starts failing to come to school.  Unless it says that they will notify you,they don’t have to.

We are going into our IEP meeting.  I had a sense of dread. I really did.  I didn’t know if what I learned from the teacher and therapists a month ago would still stand.  The head of special services knows what the district can and can not give.  The message is given from top down.  It’s almost planned without telling the family.  If you think that the school is always on your side, and you just go along with it all, you’ll have the best relationship with the district.  You’ll never know if your child is getting the best that they can do.

Honestly, for us, it could not have gone smoother.  The case manager, CR, and S’s teacher and the resource teacher were there.  Both teachers advocating for S.  It was nice to see.  They laid up specifically what S was doing so well, where she made a lot of progress, and where she was really struggling.  The questions that we brought up about S’s different pull-outs or her in-class support, both teachers answered convincingly.  CR came into it all, too.  very nicely and politely.  He looked to the classroom teacher for the answers if he didn’t have them.  He wrote on the draft of the IEP for things that they added.  He added the ones that we wanted to see, too.  No buts, or we’ll see. no fights.  Small things we asked for, he gave them.

The classroom aide was the big one in our minds.  S didn’t need a shadow, but a shared aide in the classroom was strongly preferred by us.  Mrs. B had said we would need to speak up and really advocate it at the IEP meeting.  We were all geared up to do it.

Funny thing, CR brought it up, saying it wasn’t in the IEP.  Looked at the teachers, and said, “We didn’t really get a chance to discuss it.  What did you think?”  I felt set up at that very moment.

Mrs. B came up with several reasons why she wanted to see S with a classroom aide next year.  The resource teacher brought it home.  She nailed it for us.  My husband and I never said a word.  CR wrote it right on the draft of the IEP. “Classroom aide.”  DAILY.

Now, I don’t know if that means one will be there the entire day or just a couple of hours.  Nor do I know if that means we will have one who can physically keep up.  But at this point, I have to take off a little bit of the wariness and be happy.  I have to enjoy the fact that they gave it all to us.  The teachers came out and played. CR was not coming out swinging against us.

It was almost too easy.  I keep looking through the IEP draft to see if we are missing anything.  Only time will tell.  But for right now, I’m breathing a sigh of relief. It’s over.  Currently, I approve of what we agreed to.  We didn’t sign anything but we are well on our way.  Looks like we are giving S a lot of tools of support for First Grade.  And despite all the budget issues, I’m grateful that even if the quality of the services will be in question, at least they are there, in place.  We keep Step and Kev, and hopefully that keeps things moving forward for us.