pushed aside…again

oh, so I know everyone out there has at least one family member (famber) who pushes all your buttons.  Maybe it’s an in-law or a sibling or relative or parent.  But they know just what to do to get it going.  If there is history, well, then you’ve got bricks upon bricks of weight from all that past, too.  never healthy.

So I am brought back to my famber who for all intents and purposes, she’s not terrible. But she really knows how to press my buttons.  And I think the problem is boiled down to 1 basic fundamental issue.  She doesn’t see past her own want/need.  She doesn’t or chooses not to consider how anything she says or does affects someone else.  It’s just how she operates.  You can’t fault her in the sense that she has always portrayed herself to be this way.  But it drives me insane because it constantly puts me in these situations that I really don’t want to be in!

My husband had a bad fall on Friday.  He slipped walking up the stairs at the train station.  He hit his head on the step, got a big gash right under the eye.  He has 12 stitches and a horribly bruised and puffy eye.  He wasn’t even going to tell his family!  My dad suggested that we do because he thought that my in-laws would be angry with me for not telling them that their son needed medical attention.  We chose to wait until today.  Why? So that there would be as little time to deal with their stopping in and worrying about him.

I told them late this afternoon while he was at the doctor just getting checked up.  His mother definitely was worried, but I told her really that he was fine.  It just didn’t look good.  He didn’t really want to see people because he didn’t want people to see it.  I can respect that. It’s pretty gruesome.  She said she would try to stop in this week.  I reminded her he would be working this week, etc.  She should try to call him, and to call ahead because we are in and out a lot during the week.

My husband laid down to take a nap this afternoon, and it turned into a marathon one.  He usually takes maybe a 30 min nap if he gets a chance.  So I figured he must have been exhausted.  The kids were being quiet, I was making dinner.  With daylight savings, they were tired, too.

4:50pm the phone rings.  I would have probably ignored it but I hadn’t turned the ringer off upstairs. I grabbed it right away.  Damn. I shouldn’t have.  His parents were on their way.  That’s what they said.  ”Hi, we are on our way to see the kids.”  yeah….right.

I stonewall when I need to, but I don’t do it often.  Here’s the conversation.

me:  right now?  really?

MIL:  yes.  soon.

me:  no.  don’t come today.  It’s not a good day for us.  It’s too much.

MIL:  well we are almost there, though.

me:  where are you exactly. tell me?  why didn’t you call me before you left?  most people call to ask if we will be home.

MIL:  we are on the parkway.  we will be there in 5 min (that’s always a lie. they are always further than they say)

me:  I’m sorry.  I think it’s great you want to see the kids.  But we are seeing you next week.  Let’s just see each other then (husband’s grandmother’s birthday).  Please.  it’s not a good day.

MIL:  What’s the big deal?   why is it so hard if we come.  we are almost there.

me:  He’s sleeping.  I don’t want to wake him.  He’s exhausted.  Kids are tired. they are going to bed early.  Making dinner right now. If you come, I have to wake him.

MIL: no don’t wake him.  We’ll just spend a little time with the kids.

me:  that’s not right.  if you come, I have to wake him.  It’s just a lot right now. please. let’s just see each other next week.  I appreciate that you want to come.  And normally, it would be fine.  But not today. please.

MIL:  no, we are almost there.  We’ll just come in for a little bit.

me:  seriously?  no.  let’s see each other next week.  I’ll have him call you when he wakes up later.  he needs to sleep.

MIL:  but we want to see the kids.  So we will be there in a few minutes.

 

CLICK.

how much more clear could I have been?  I understand. I do.  She really did want to check up on her son.  ”A son needs his mother during these times when he is hurt.”  please.  Anyway, I do get it.  But I’m almost begging you. don’t come.  I even straight out asked, why didn’t they call before they left home!  And you know, when they got here, she brought a dish that was still warm!  There was plenty of time to prepare to call me!  This is what I mean.  Even with someone telling you right to your face that your presence is complicating our current situation, and she doesn’t see past her own personal desire.  I’m coming and deal with it is basically what she gave me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

a surprising observation

I wrote about the holidays in my last post.  One of the best holidays for me and my family.  The visit from my husband’s brother and his family was so wonderful.  But for me, it’s not just seeing them, and getting back in touch.  It’s so much more.

When my husband and I got married, hell-even when we started dating, I felt all eyes were on us from his family.  He is the eldest.  His father is the eldest.  So in a long line of aunts, uncles, and cousins, he’s the first.  I felt like I was under a microscope.  How good was his girlfriend?  How pretty was she?  How tall was she?  Where was she from?  What kind of a family did she come from?  As they got to know me, bit by bit the pressure fell away.  From most of his extended family and his grandmother, they were all pretty accepting of me.  When we announced our engagement, we had dated for 5 years.  They were ready for it.

His parents were a different story.  They are just hard to get a good read from.  His dad is rather aloof when he is with family, and his mother, she communicates but sometimes says things inappropriate or direct with a smile.  It leaves you a bit uneasy, wondering if you should be offended or laugh it off.  Over the years, we have had many situations between us.  As far as a relationship goes, as much as I bitch about it, I know that my MIL could be so much worse.  However, it doesn’t take away the sting of some thing that she has done or said.

With the arrival of my sister-in-law into this family came comraderie and friendship.  My brothers wives didn’t get along for years.  Their children are all the same ages, and get along great.  But they rarely see each other.  They live far away from each other.  For 2 brothers that weren’t close in adulthood, I felt their wives wedged a bigger hole in my family that was once so much more close-knit.  My father related a story to me of a friend of his.  When the 2nd son was getting married, the mother took her future daughter-in-law and chatted.  She said her sons were close brothers, and the only way that family was going to work was if she got along well with the 1st daughter-in-law.  I thought it was brilliant and so obvious.  But not something we had ever consciously tried.  So when C came into our lives, I felt it out.  She was so outgoing, relaxed, and didn’t care about the older/younger in law status.  We became instant friends.  We were in the same boat with crazy stories of dealing with this family.  She was my sister, and I was crushed that they lived so far away.

We made it through our New Years experience together.  We knew that our MIL didn’t want to go to their aunt’s home.  We all went at the pursuasion of our husbands’ grandmother.  While there, I noticed that nobody spoke to my MIL.  On one hand, she was rather standoffish, probably pissed that she got dragged to somewhere she didn’t want to be.  I can absolutely relate to that!  She’s the one that puts me in that position.  Yet, still.  Here we are.  All these sets of brothers/sisters, children, and she was hardly spoken to.  She sat with and next to others, but stayed quiet.  Sometimes she would interject something, and it would fall on deaf ears.  For the first time, I felt sorry for her.  What a burden she has had to carry for decades.  She was the first to come into that family.  They were so young.  And she had to live in the same house as her in-laws, as was the tradition in Korea.  What she must have went through.

They left Korea after a few years and came to the US.  She was free from all her responsibilities in Korea.  Probably 10 years later, 1 aunt and uncle set came.  Over the next 15 years, 2 more would come and eventually her own mother-in-law.  Then would come me and C into her life and all that would kick in.  Here is a woman who enjoys her freedom, does things how she wants to, on her terms, says things that she wants to, etc.   I don’t agree with most of the way she behaves, but at the very least, she is consistent.  and stubborn.  All this family around her, these obligations, aren’t soothing for her.  It creates a ton of work and drama.

I sat going back and forth between my kids, to my husband’s cousins, and all the family, and still, my MIL was mostly in the company of everyone but not apart.

Yes, I’m sure my MIL brought a lot of these situations on herself, and dug herself this isolation.  On the other hand, shouldn’t we keep trying to build those bridges?

I’d been ready to burn as much as I could.  And still, I have a lot of issues and past grievances with my MIL.  But, would I ignore her and make her feel like she wasn’t really there???  Everyone feeling that way?

To make matters worse, I was talking to one of my husband’s 3rd cousins, wives.  The families are close, and she and I get along great, too.  For the first time, we talked about my relationship with my MIL.  I’ve never really been able to tell anyone about it that was family, even though they all hint at it.  At least, not until C came along.  I would have loved to confide in this cousin, but I didn’t know if she would tell her husband. and her husband tell his mom.  I didn’t know how close his mom was to my own MIL.  It was something I wasn’t willing to risk.  I found out that they had all been wondering if I was okay, if I was being treated well.  Even she had been at the bitten tongue end of my MIL when she was dating her husband.  It’s kind of just the way she is!  No wonder they didn’t come so often to family gatherings.

I learned about a lot of walls that are put up against my own MIL.  And again, I feel terrible for her.  My heart really does go out to her.  It’s not like she’s a bad person.  She’s not the warmest nor the type to go out of her way to make you feel at ease.  But she does have good intentions.  They may not be carried out well or delivered well, but the intent is usually there.

I wonder about my husband’s feelings whenever his mom comes up in conversation.  Honestly, the man barely blinks.  When I call him on it, he’s all too aware of her strengths and weaknesses.  He just thinks of her as a whole.  I thought there would be more of a fight out of him, a defensiveness.  It’s his mom!  But he’s nonchalant and matter of fact.  Just like many other members of his family.

I’m not saying I can go out of my way to make her included or to have her around me more.  Like I stated earlier, we have our own journey with its many bumps, some I have real trouble getting by and moving on from.  But nobody should feel that way in a family gathering, nor should they be treated that way for the 4 or 5 hrs that they are there.  That’s all.

Going into 2010

Wow.  So here we are. 2010!!! As much as time drags sometimes, it sure seems to go by so quickly.  When did you head into another decade???!!! I still think sometimes it’s 2000.  Well, I don’t, but it doesn’t seem like 10 years ago!

We are coming off one of the best holidays I think we have spent as a family.  For the first time, both kids were super into Christmas.  They were excited that Santa was coming.  S was worried about if her grandmother’s house was going to have a tree.  And if not, that we should bring ours.  Because of course, there has to be a tree.  Never mind the whole chimney factor, but there must be a tree.  (I wriggled my mom to get a fake one. I was thinking a 2 ft pre-lit fake one from Wal-mart for $15.  She resisted and then procrastinated.  Only ones left were the 7ft ones for $35!  Sorry Mom!!).  They were hoping for snow and a white christmas.  It was the first time we could manipulate (yes…manipulate) M into good behavior, talking about how Santa doesn’t like it when she talks back or doesn’t listen.  I didn’t tell her she was going get coal if she was naughty (I think that’s jumping to the mean side of the line.  that’s just me, though.)  But I left the possibility open ended.  It worked like a charm.  It didn’t stop the “but I really wanted to do this, Mommy”.  However, it did give me the targeted behavior.  I’m only sorry that Christmas is over, and I have nothing to help me out.  Still, both kids were so excited for Christmas and going up to my parents’ home.

We spent almost an entire week there.  We haven’t done that in a long time.  We didn’t get to see all the people that we wanted to, but it didn’t matter.  They were so happy and comfortable to be there.  They weren’t very whiny, nor anxious.  They were happy clams, especially S.  My parents were just delighted.  They can’t believe how far she has come in a year.  Last Christmas, she was still whiny, and refused to eat, and contrary at times.  This year, flexible and happy.

We took them to a mall one afternoon.  S and M made all their own games.  As my mom and I looked at some clothes for the kids, they were running around, playing hide and seek.  We turned the corner into Pottery Barn Kids, and it was empty!!!  I have never been there in NJ where it hasn’t been packed.  Even at the opening, it’s always packed.  Here, the kids spent an hour looking at all the things.  In that hour, maybe 2 of 3 kids were ever in there with them.  Unbelievable!  My mom couldn’t believe the kids could play that long in a store, oh…but she doesn’t venture into PBK!!!  We followed up with a ride on the Carousel in the food court, and a final trip to the Disney store.  A heavenly afternoon for the kids.

We came home, and the next day, the kids were greeted by my husband’s brother and his family.  We don’t get to see them often since they live in LA.  The kids got to play with their little cousin, E, who is such a funny ham.  They love to spend time with their Uncle N and Aunt C.  They couldn’t get enough.  It was E’s first time to play in the snow.  M, especially, showed E lots of love.  E crossed the line on S when he tried to grab her new Leapster from her.  And you know, S, isn’t the forgiving type.  So everytime E started walking in her direction, she would pick up what she was doing, and tell him, “no no no E, stay away!”  So he tagged after M, who loved the attention (until E tried taking her stuffed tiger.  Sorry E, you’re lucky you still have 2 eyes!).

New Year’s Day was a long day spent at my in-laws home.  But it was calmer this year.  We got there slightly later (10am), and had brunch with them and my brother/sister-in law.  The bigger extended family didn’t come this year.  Everyone was meeting up for dinner at another aunt and uncle’s home.  I’m going to write about the drama of it all in my next post.  Let’s keep focused here.  The kids spent about 5 hours at home in-laws home, a record for us.  We usually leave because one or both or so tired they need a nap.  And they aren’t the type of kids to fall asleep in anywhere.

We drove down an hour to my husband’s aunt’s house, which only is 10 min from ours!  The house was packed!  My husband’s grandmother, her brother-in-law and sister-in law, their son and his family, 3 aunts/uncle sets and cousins.  My kids had the time of their lives with my husband’s cousin, and the cousins with kids (2 boys).  S usually has a difficult time with all these people, esp this house since they have a dog.  She was actually very curious about Gizmo this time.  She didn’t want much to do with him, but came around a lot more.  I think it was also because she saw her sister and cousins hanging out with the dog.  The kids lasted until 9:30pm at this house.  Never once, until the last 20 min did they ask to leave.

A lot has happened over the years.  A lot has been discovered in the past 2 years.  Both kids have grown so much in 2009.  None of them more stark in comparison than S.  She’s not the same kid she was even 4 months ago.  I feel very hopeful of where things will continue to bring us in 2010.  There will continue to be ups and downs, I know.  But I’m just so very proud of where we all are, as individuals, and esp as a family.  It hasn’t been an easy 2009.  But thank you for letting it go out with a bang on such an upside!!!!  Happy New Year everyone!

Jumpstarting a new engine

I started to hit a wall with some of S’s transitional breakdowns.  We’ve been very patient with her, and tried talking to her about what makes her cry.  We’ve been upbeat and positive, even when we are dead tired on our feet, to keep the spirits up.  But then, getting ready to go to school, or going to bed, she was still  in tears.  We’ve gone through phases before where this could last a week or 2, or more (when she wouldn’t get out of bed).  But we’ve been in a decent place for most of the year.  Phases have been short lived and had more to do with how tired she was.  By the weekend, I just wanted to get past it.  But how do I get my daughter to come out of her funk?   I opened a channel for a new anxiety to start to close the old one.  

It was unintentional.  I didn’t even see it as a new anxiety.  But 2 things were for sure.  Part of the problem with this phase is once S does this for a few days, we start a pattern.  And then, its a learned habit.  Almost as if S thinks she’s SUPPOSED to cry when we go to school or supposed to cry at bedtime.  And then we need to break that habit.  The 2nd part was we had planned a trip to my parents home for an event for my father.  The whole family was coming in, including extended family.  S was going to be in my parents home (which she knows and loves) but share it and everyone with many that she didn’t know or didn’t know well.  With all the extra people, there was going to be no typical routine.

S started to cry as she saw our bags lined up at the door, ready to go into the car.  No matter where we go, this always starts a flood of some tears.  Not too bad, but she knows something is going on.  Even if she is excited about where we are going (like my parents house), it gets her nervous engines going. I can write a script to the pin drop how it all nfolds.  It’s almost ridiculous…anyway,  the 4 hr ride up was fine.  She was greeted by my mom, and S and M settled in nicely.  My father was with one of my brothers and aunt and uncle playing golf.  This gave them a nice 2 hr window to adjust.  When the crew came back from golfing, it was time to go out to dinner.  Both kids froze at the sight of more people.  Both said a tentative hello.  S clung to my father, and M clung to me.  At dinner, another aunt and uncle arrived.  S and M were settled with table games I brought for them, and barely flinched.  

Back at my parents house, it was all of us and some neighbor friends.  S and M excused themselves to the basement to play and watch TV.  S knew her limits.  She didn’t venture upstairs once.  M, on the other hand, was very curious of all the talking and commotion upstairs.  She would check it out, and come back down.  M would report to S all the ongoings upstairs, and S shrugged it off.  She didn’t have any interest.

We went home for Easter a few weeks ago, and for whatever reason, S didn’t want to go too close to my father.  This time, with all the new faces, she kept running to him and holding his hand.  She looked forward to his hugs and kisses.  She already broke one habit from before being pushed into this new crowd.  When S did enter the room with so many relatives, my father would offer her whatever was being served, usually fresh fruit.  She’d happily take it, stay out of reach of others, and head back to her quieter sanctuary in the basement.

The event itself was crowded, with about 100 friends and colleauges of my father.  It was insane and so busy.  I was overwhelmed.  S and M managed very well.  S found quieter corners or places around where she could sit with her dad.  Her uncles and grandparents were busy mingling with guests.  My husband and I were excused more because of the children.  M hammed it up at the buffet dinner.  She showed everyone her latest ballet spins, pulled the back of her dress over the back of her head-flashing everyone.  Oh, M really showed her “charm”.  S stuck close to her grandparents side or my husband.  She didn’t cry or complain.  She seeked where people wouldn’t be all in her face, and was a little wary.  

The next day, we drove home.  Again, as the bags were lined up at the door, S got teary and M was whiny.  Neither liked the change.  S was okay saying goodbye to everyone, but when it came to my mom, she burst into tears.  She cried for 20 min and was fine for the rest of the trip.  

Since we came home, S and M settled back into their home and routine.  M has been tired and whiny and cranky.  S, on the other hand, has been nothing but smiles and giggles.  She went to bed without a fuss.  She woke up early in the morning, ready to go.  As she got dressed for the day, she asked me if she could go to school!  What a change?  And when she did go to school, she actually went mostly smiling.  The report back from her teacher was a great day!

Sometimes I think changing everything up is overwhelming and stressful to all of us.  If the kids react badly, that just adds extra pressure on my husband and myself.  I know that routine is great for kids, and we need to change it up so that they know that it’s okay if something else comes up.  But in this case, wow!  This trip broke a bad pattern here in this house.  Maybe it will only last for 1 day.   Even 1 day is better than where we had been.  Having S deal with other kinds of stress in a different environment allowed her to let go of some of the anxieties that she was frozen in.  Even I came back looser, less tense about the week we just came through.  It was not a relaxing time away by any means, but it doesn’t matter.  It jumpstarted a new enginel for S, and it’s amazing to see her, even for a day, happy and carefree again.  Now if we can just figure out how to get M back on track……too much to hope for all at once.  Maybe the stars will align on another day.

“Fambers”

“Fambers”.  What is it?  It’s short for family members.  It can be immediate family, extended family, or close friends we consider family.  We all have them.  People we love but say and/or do such inappropriate things.  They live life in a reality that is so not mine or most people’s, they don’t filter anything, and feel like they don’t have to answer to anyone.  You all know what I’m talking about.

I find my nuclear family of my 2 kids, my husband, and myself complicated.  You throw in his family, or mine, and it’s just even more so.  Add in extended family of ours, and forget it!  We have already lost all control.  

It’s very hard on me to have my husband’s family all so close by, but I have always said I hoped my kids would be raised getting to know our families.  Be careful what you wish for, because you have to take all the love and the great stuff, with all the headaches, some heartaches, and the crazy stuff.

S was the first grandchild to my husband’s side.  She was treated like a queen.  Starting around 2, S became extremely wary of strangers, and while she would be okay with her grandparents, all of my husbands extended family scared her.  Come on, she didn’t see them that often, and they were all in her face, hugging her, squeezing her face, etc. They still do.  Every sensory and anxiety button gotpushed.  She has gotten better over time, but she still has an initial hard time.  Even tonight.

 We all got together, and she didn’t want to go inside.  Then she heard a dog barking, and forget it.  Game over.  All the fear and anxiety she was feeling went way over the top as she heard  her biggest phobia clearly. Dogs.  It took her a long while to settle down.  It took watching my husband’s video ipod on the couch with headphones to tune it all out and get okay.  Even later, she didn’t want to leave our sides.  She was still on edge because she could hear their dog barking upstairs.  My husbands cousins, who are in college, were trying to talk to her.  She wasn’t having it.  One of his cousins likes to tease and make jokes, but S doesn’t understand jokes.  She’s extremely literal, and takes it at that value.  My hubby’s aunts and uncles, his parents, his cousins…everytime they ask me what her problem is, or laugh at some “off” thing of hers, sometimes make fun of her whining (all in the name of family and fun) in front of her.  A big part of me wants to say, “You are her problem.  You don’t even treat her like a human being.  And you do it all right in front of her.  Why don’t you all just stop asking her questions, get out of her face, and let her settle in, and just back the f**k off?”  But of course, I can’t do that. They don’t know, and they don’t want to know.

M, on the other hand, slow to warm up, too, but hides.  She doesn’t cry about seeing new people.  She is the one that takes her older sister’s hand, and tells her not to worry.  That the dog can’t hurt her.  M is not that accepting of new people in her face either, but she looks down or hides in our legs.  She opens up later, and is more interactive.  She’ll answer questions, let you draw with her, and is more playful.  She can be very charming when she wants to be, and social.  His family sees her more as a ham, more willing.  So they shower her with attention, and make smirk remarks to S, like, “You’re mean.” or “See, your sister likes us.”  They don’t say it with contempt or scorn.  It’s kind of a backhanded playfulness.  But S takes it literally.

When they see the more social younger one playing with them, they tend to not just shower her with attention (because she accepts it), but see her in a more attractive light.  Even tonight, my husband’s cousin told me with a smile that plastic surgeons are more affordable now, and I can take S to be more pretty like her sister.  In all honesty, I eventually took the comment for the lameass joke he meant it to be.  However, I’m more protective of S than I am of M.  I know that.  M tells people off without issue.  S has a harder time standing up for herself, and she’s my first, and she needs support.  I was going to initially throw my chocolate cake in his face.  But blew him off.

I have had a famber say offensive things about S over years, but especially more recently.   She absolutely doesn’t mean to be pissing me off all the time.  She doesn’t say what she wants to say well.  And it comes off horribly.  I know she loves S.  And I actually think she is more attached to S than to M, because S has been here longer.  But she thinks its okay to say whatever she wants to say to whomever she wants to say.  And I have hit a wall.  I can’t change her,and I don’t plan to.  But S is still MY child, and MY responsibility.  And if she think I’m doing a crappy job of being her mom or advocate, I just say…it’s not her business.  My closest friends know that I’ve washed my hands of this as best as I can, and I keep my distance, from as many of these thoughtless remarks, as I can.  

Fambers….those that you can’t completely cut yourself off from, that you have to have some relations with….but those that you could really live life well without on a continous basis….I can’t possibly be alone in this issue.  There have to be plenty of you out there!