is it okay to bribe your child?

We had our 2nd week of PreK soccer.  It was a late morning game and a zillion degrees.  S spent almost the entire hour hopping in and out of her dad’s lap.  She was very restless and HOT!!!!  At one point, she ran onto the field, and we were stunned.  As soon as play resumed, S ran back off the field into the safe haven of dad’s arms.  I felt quite strongly that we wouldn’t push S if she didn’t want to play.  We wanted to let the choice come from her.  Towards the end, I asked my husband if we should just try a small bribe.  I have seen and heard parents make all kinds of bribes to their children.  Come on, most of us are guilty of it.  I tell my 3 year old that if she finishes her bowl of strawberries, she can have a go-gurt (yogurt in the tube).  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  I haven’t decided how I actually feel about bribing my kids, but is there a difference between that and rewards?

Anyway, S loves Dora ice cream bars from the ice cream truck.  I’m not one to buy ice crem from the trucks often.  (although I have bought more in 2009 so far than I have in all of 2008. )  I heard the announcement that 1-2 min left in the game.  And I told S if she ran out there to play that I’d buy it for her.  I made it clear that she didn’t have to, and we wouldn’t get the Dora I.C. if she chose not to and that was okay.  S definitely thought about it. She said YES!  I yelled to the coach that she wanted in, and she looked kind of surprised.  S ran out and almost as quickly changed her mind.  I reminded her of her reward, and she went back.  She held the coach’s hand and ran along the field for the last min.  She never made it closer than 15 feet to the action, but it didn’t matter to us.  S, with a nudge and upped antee, was out there.  Wasn’t that a step in the right direction?  Do the ends justify the means?

The flip side of this story is one of frustration for me and S.  It was so hot this weekend.  There should have been no problem finding or hearing an I.C. truck anywhere.  Can you believe I was unable to find 1??!!!  We listened in the neighborhood, we drove around to every park that ALWAYS has one parked.  NOTHING.  S was okay with the idea of getting a cone somewhere else, or a slurpee at 7-11 (God Bless you for your flexibility on that issue!), but she still asks, “Where are the trucks?  Can I still get one next time?  Is it still a promise?”  How can I say no?  I think in this situation the follow through is very important.  An immediate gratification might have been the best, but no can do this time.  Seriously, where were all the trucks this weekend??????????  It just wasn’t meant to be.

I thought it was great that S got in the game because I offered to buy the Dora bar.  But what happens for each game after?  Will she go in at all if I don’t offer a reward at the end?  Have I set up a bad system, that doesn’t come from her own nature and will?

Visitation Day

It was visitation day at S’s school today.  For 20 min, parents observe whatever the kids are doing.  Whenever I have volunteered to be in the classroom with S (any year), she has always cried when I came in.  We can’t quite figure out what exactly makes her cry, but she does.  She eventually settles down, and is fine.  But the initial reaction is usually something to be desired.

No sibs allowed, so M had to go to a friends house.  She was not crazy about being left behind when I told her about it.  However, she soon forgot about it after dressing up as Ariel, and jumping into a “sailboat” with her buddy.  They were sailing to Shoprite!

The kids were sitting at circle time when about 10 of us moms and 1 dad walked into the classroom.  S gave me a big smile, but then her eyes watered.  She kept asking if she could sit with me.  Her teacher said, no.  1/2 the kids were laughing at whatever she was saying.  I couldn’t tell if that upset her more or calmed her down.  We walked with them for gym time where the teacher does some organized game time with them.  They did relay games.  S has this thing when people are behind her, she gets out of line and goes behind them.  She doesn’t like people behind her, and she’s wiggly and hopping around.  She never got a turn to do the stilt jumping or jumping in and out of the hoops.  1 teacher and 2 aides, and nobody noticed.  S’s teacher asked if everyone got a turn.  1 of S’s friend asked her if she went, and S just shrugged.  I thought about speaking up, but as long as S was okay, I just let it go.  It made me wonder how often things like that happen, and how often it is overlooked by the teacher.  

It’s funny what we each see and take away from it.  A lot of the other moms were remarking how excited and happy S always is.  They were surprised that even though she didn’t get a turn that she wasn’t crying about it.  They thought she was just so easy going.  S was indeed extremely giggly and smiley in the gym.

For me, I saw S completely distracted by the added company and observers.  She needed constant help from the aide to focus back to what the teacher was saying.  And then they needed to help her stay in line (even though she didn’t get a turn the 2nd and 3rd time!).  To me, she just stood out.  Wiggly, jumpy, excitable, and all over the place.  I kept hearing from others how happy she always is.   And I left feeling a bit down.  S has made so much progress over the year, yet we still have a ways to go.  Do I have a harder time seeing those positive aspects because I’m so close to it all?

If you ask S how it all went today, she is so proud, saying she had fun and “I only had happy faces.”  She doesn’t even remember crying!  And she tells me about the relay games.  I guess what she takes away from it all is the most important perspective of all.  As long as she is happy, has a positive experience from it, and learned something, what more can I ask for?