Play Play Play

My husband brought an article to my attention.  Of all things, in Acura Style Magazine, there was a 2 page article.  And it hit home.  As an educator, as a parent. as a student.

“In every real man, a child is hidden that wants to play.”-  Nietzsche

“Play is how we are made, how we develop and adjust to change.  it can foster innovation and lead to multibillion-dollar fortunes.”  -  Dr. Stuart Brown, Psychologist.

Dr. Brown is one of the strongest defenders of play in America.  He has studied thousands of people in his clinical practice.  Some noteworthy connections?

“At-risk kids’ antisocial behavior was seemingly diminished through play and, on the flip side, violent criminals were often deprived of play as children.”

American Academy of Pediatrics has reported, ”  Give your kids time and space to navigate the monkey bars, splash around the wading pool, or jostle over a soccer ball, and they’ll flourish.  When play is allowed to be child-driven, children practice decision-making skills, move at their own pace, discover their own areas of interest and ultimately engage fully in the passions they wish to pursue.”

That’s in children.  And they are now seeing new pathways being forged in the brain in adulthood when the cerebellum is fueled…by play and exercise.

Let’s think about what this really means for us as adults and most certainly for our children.  More and more, the younger the children are, the greater the academic demands.  Children are expected to learn to read and write much earlier than we did when we were children.  I look at what my 4 year old will be facing in PreK, my 6 year old starting 1st grade.  What is the first thing that goes when the pressure is all around for the academics?  You got it. play.

I love my children’s preschool.  They make it so nice to be there.  There is always play, even when they are learning teacher directed activities.  I love that they go outside everyday and on bad weather days, they have a basement gym to play in.  Playground time is such a social time for most kids.  When S started PreK through our district, the classroom time was much more structured.  They did play.  Most of her activities were through play.  There was rarely an outdoor time, and they got to use the gym once a week.  Her summer program there allowed much more outdoor time.  But that was summer.  On the flip side, I think the academic learning she did in PreK most definitely prepared her for Kindergarten.  There wasn’t as much new stuff to really master.  It wasn’t all review, but there was a lot.  I see what the kids at her first preschool were learning that year.  S was well-prepared by the district.  She got a lot of services and other things that she needed.  Her teacher, a wonderful, veteran, special ed certified in early childhood, was well informed and experienced to help S out in those play situations.

Now M is heading into that same PreK program.  They have changed it a lot.  When S went, it was there to service classified children with IEPs.  They added “typical” children to transition those classified children so Kindergarten wouldn’t be such a surprise.  And those typical children got a free year with all the learning.  Now everyone pays for the program if there is no IEP.  It’s not well-designed for the classified child.  If M was my special needs child, I think I would be worried and disappointed.  They have changed the curriculum so it is more play centered.  I’m actually kind of delighted.  I would love to see more free play and spontaneous conversation flow.  I would love to keep these early childhood years as child centered as we can.

However, as a parent, seeing the demands of what is being placed on the kids, I worry if M will be as Kindergarten ready as S.  Her skill set is very different from S.  She doesn’t learn the way S does.  The kids will still learn their letters and sounds and hopefully learn to write.  But not with the structured environment that S had.  And they still won’t play outside on the playground or gym everyday.

I struggle all the time with the balance of play and academics.  S was learning time, addition, subtraction, money…all at the end of Kindergarten.  These were things I clearly didn’t learn until at least 1st grade.  Even when I taught, those were more first grade concepts.  To see them enter here in Kindergarten is astounding to me.  Yes, I want my children to learn these things, but what about keeping them children for as long as we can?  They have YEARS of school ahead of them?  And we are asking 4 y olds to write, learn sight words, and parents want them reading!  How about teaching our kids (from parents and teachers) to show respect to themselves and each other?  How about teaching kids to not talk back and give attitude at 4, 5, and 6?  How about learning to share?  How about learning to speak in a kind manner to each other even when in conflict?  How about adults tuning in to inappropriate put downs by kids to their peers?  At lunch or recess or in the classroom?  Where are these lessons?  And how do you think they are going to learn those lessons?  That’s right.  Through play and role playing.

We all have a responsibility.  All I ask is we each do our part.  Everyone.

And this article fired up that adults still have the capability to alter brain pathways, to have the mind grow and change beyond childhood.  That is HUGE!  No longer can we say it’s just the way he/she is.  The brain is stimulated through learning and physical activitiy for our lives.  A pick up football or basketball game, running on the treadmill, skipping stones on a lake.

There was a conference where delegates from 15 countries and 30 states came to gather.  What were they meeting about?  play-sparked innovation.  They believed that play actually helped creative problem solving, made them better at their jobs, and made them happier.  Members from google, architects, space researchers, scientists, entrepreneurs.

More and more research keeps coming out, mostly geared towards the benefits for children.  But if it benefits us as adults, why not?!  Yet the idea is not shunned, but you get that, oh…that’s interesting response, and then we do the exact opposite.

I’m not saying get rid of everything, all academics, and structure and run around barefeet and play all day.  I’m just saying, we may need a little more of it than less.  And let’s face it.  It keeps getting less every year.

One more is starting to get it

Over the 4th of July weekend, we went up to my parents house.  We all had a great time, and it was sweet to see my parents playing with my kids.  Since a baby, S has always favored my mother, but she also had a very close bond with my father.  Recently, though, over Christmas and Easter, she admired everything from afar.  She didn’t want him to come close to her, give her a hug, or kiss.   She was anti-grandpa.  We were all a bit perplexed because she had never shown that towards him.  New people, yes.  But not my parents.  It was strange.  He never said a word to us about it either way.

My father is a big supporter of early intervention.  He has been a staunch ally for us.  The sooner we got S any help, the better off she would be in the future.  S is his 5th grandchild.  The first 4 varied in the speed of their developmental milestones.  But as my father recognized S’s speech delay, he was always very positive that it would get better.  As I started to get more worried when other things came up, he was the first to say she would be fine and “normal” given time.  We have always been upfront with my parents about all of S’s appts, her progress, diagnoses, etc.  They have taken it in, and just have been there for me.  They didn’t make dismissive comments, even though they believed it would get better.  They didn’t ask why or say something like “Nobody in the family has anything like that.  Where would she have gotten these delays from?”  They didn’t put blame anywhere.  They just listened, helped when they could, and took it all in.

This visit, S was all about her grandpa.  She wanted to follow him everywhere and ride his car.  She would randomly walk up to him to give him a kiss and get a hug, followed by, “I love you.”  Then, as casually as she walked to him, she walked away.  It was so endearing for all of us to watch.

One night at dinner, after the kids were excused, my father looked pensive.  Slowly, he said, “You know, S is very smart, very bright.  She is just seems a little odd.  She may be one of those super smart people that just are slightly odd.”

My husband and I let that sink in.  It wasn’t offensive.  We said similar things.  Well, we didn’t say the super smart statement.  As I’ve said before, where there are delays, other areas beefed up as strengths.  But definitely in social situations, S is not quite there and on with other children her age.

Then, he continued, “S is really anxious.  She’s playing silly and loud right now because she’s uncomfortable.  She is edgy.”  And she was.  But to the unknown eye, it would have appeared to just loud silly play.  It was a revelation for him because for the first time, my father was seeing the signs as they were being played out.  For the first time, he appeared concerned.  He asked what we do to help her anxieties along.  We shared some of our strategies, and how we were trying to push forward.  But to be honest, S is in a much better place than she was 2 months ago.  S goes through up phases and down phases, and we take them as they come.  But my dad was looking like I did when we were going through a bad phase and seemed vulnerable with his feelings of helplessness.

It was our turn to lift him up, not that my dad was depressed or anything.  But I understand that feeling of “OH.  WOW!”  and that’s what it was for him.  The best part was he turned it around and was positive still.  He remarked at how far S has come, even just from a few months ago.  And he recognized how much work, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, it takes for all of us to see this through.

From my point of view, it’s incredibly refreshing that he was starting to really get it.  It’s hard when there are so many family members or friends that have no clue, or want no clue about S’s delays.  It’s too easy to be inappropriate or dismissive because they just don’t understand.  I felt validated, and my dad continued to be the calm, quiet supporter he has always been.  sigh.  One down, 100 to go!

“Fambers”

“Fambers”.  What is it?  It’s short for family members.  It can be immediate family, extended family, or close friends we consider family.  We all have them.  People we love but say and/or do such inappropriate things.  They live life in a reality that is so not mine or most people’s, they don’t filter anything, and feel like they don’t have to answer to anyone.  You all know what I’m talking about.

I find my nuclear family of my 2 kids, my husband, and myself complicated.  You throw in his family, or mine, and it’s just even more so.  Add in extended family of ours, and forget it!  We have already lost all control.  

It’s very hard on me to have my husband’s family all so close by, but I have always said I hoped my kids would be raised getting to know our families.  Be careful what you wish for, because you have to take all the love and the great stuff, with all the headaches, some heartaches, and the crazy stuff.

S was the first grandchild to my husband’s side.  She was treated like a queen.  Starting around 2, S became extremely wary of strangers, and while she would be okay with her grandparents, all of my husbands extended family scared her.  Come on, she didn’t see them that often, and they were all in her face, hugging her, squeezing her face, etc. They still do.  Every sensory and anxiety button gotpushed.  She has gotten better over time, but she still has an initial hard time.  Even tonight.

 We all got together, and she didn’t want to go inside.  Then she heard a dog barking, and forget it.  Game over.  All the fear and anxiety she was feeling went way over the top as she heard  her biggest phobia clearly. Dogs.  It took her a long while to settle down.  It took watching my husband’s video ipod on the couch with headphones to tune it all out and get okay.  Even later, she didn’t want to leave our sides.  She was still on edge because she could hear their dog barking upstairs.  My husbands cousins, who are in college, were trying to talk to her.  She wasn’t having it.  One of his cousins likes to tease and make jokes, but S doesn’t understand jokes.  She’s extremely literal, and takes it at that value.  My hubby’s aunts and uncles, his parents, his cousins…everytime they ask me what her problem is, or laugh at some “off” thing of hers, sometimes make fun of her whining (all in the name of family and fun) in front of her.  A big part of me wants to say, “You are her problem.  You don’t even treat her like a human being.  And you do it all right in front of her.  Why don’t you all just stop asking her questions, get out of her face, and let her settle in, and just back the f**k off?”  But of course, I can’t do that. They don’t know, and they don’t want to know.

M, on the other hand, slow to warm up, too, but hides.  She doesn’t cry about seeing new people.  She is the one that takes her older sister’s hand, and tells her not to worry.  That the dog can’t hurt her.  M is not that accepting of new people in her face either, but she looks down or hides in our legs.  She opens up later, and is more interactive.  She’ll answer questions, let you draw with her, and is more playful.  She can be very charming when she wants to be, and social.  His family sees her more as a ham, more willing.  So they shower her with attention, and make smirk remarks to S, like, “You’re mean.” or “See, your sister likes us.”  They don’t say it with contempt or scorn.  It’s kind of a backhanded playfulness.  But S takes it literally.

When they see the more social younger one playing with them, they tend to not just shower her with attention (because she accepts it), but see her in a more attractive light.  Even tonight, my husband’s cousin told me with a smile that plastic surgeons are more affordable now, and I can take S to be more pretty like her sister.  In all honesty, I eventually took the comment for the lameass joke he meant it to be.  However, I’m more protective of S than I am of M.  I know that.  M tells people off without issue.  S has a harder time standing up for herself, and she’s my first, and she needs support.  I was going to initially throw my chocolate cake in his face.  But blew him off.

I have had a famber say offensive things about S over years, but especially more recently.   She absolutely doesn’t mean to be pissing me off all the time.  She doesn’t say what she wants to say well.  And it comes off horribly.  I know she loves S.  And I actually think she is more attached to S than to M, because S has been here longer.  But she thinks its okay to say whatever she wants to say to whomever she wants to say.  And I have hit a wall.  I can’t change her,and I don’t plan to.  But S is still MY child, and MY responsibility.  And if she think I’m doing a crappy job of being her mom or advocate, I just say…it’s not her business.  My closest friends know that I’ve washed my hands of this as best as I can, and I keep my distance, from as many of these thoughtless remarks, as I can.  

Fambers….those that you can’t completely cut yourself off from, that you have to have some relations with….but those that you could really live life well without on a continous basis….I can’t possibly be alone in this issue.  There have to be plenty of you out there!