here we go…again????

You know, I truly believe S has had the best placement this year for school.  Her teacher, her classmates, it’s been a great mix.  Sure you have some kids that may not do the nicest of things.  But her 22 other classmates are all truly good hearted.  They are not mean-spirited.  They don’t go out to intentionally hurt others.  That doesn’t mean that they don’t hurt others or tease or do unkind things.  I mean, though, that they are not mean-spirited.  mean hearted.  There is a big difference.

I have been listening to a bunch of friends these past few months about how unhappy they are in the placement of their daughter.  How there are so many mean girls in this grade.  And I was silently thankful that they aren’t in S’s class!

So today, we were seeing Step, and I get a message on my phone.  A friend of me is wondering if I have talked to S about what happened at lunch, and that if I want, to call her.  Her daughter saw it unfold.

My first reaction…..What the hell happened at lunch?  Second reaction…..Why didn’t S say anything?    Third reaction……how bad could it be?    Fourth…….how much happened that something had to unfold?

I feel like it’s deja vu.  I’m back to my conversation with another friend asking me if  S told me about what happened in the bathroom…only this time its lunch.  A part of me doesn’t want to make the call.  But I do.

With her daughter feeding the lines next to her, I hear that S’s friend sitting next to her, turns to a girl at another table behind them, and says, “Watch this.”  Then turns to S, and says, “Hey, say I’m weird.”  S apparently laughs and says, “I’m weird.”  The whole table gets a kick out of it.  My friend’s daughter tells them that they are being mean (thank goodness for those that stick up for others).  We have a longer conversation about some other stuff.  All of it more heartbreaking things.  Another friend in S’s Brownie troop that said she wished S wasn’t in their troop.  etc.

Sigh.  S is not going to be liked by everyone.  Even if she wasn’t quirky, or odd, or loud, or talking out of turn, etc….even if she was the most typical child on the planet, not everyone likes everyone.  She is going to encounter situations where people will try to use her as their entertainment.  We have to teach S and give her the tools to be her own future advocate, starting with saying NO to people who tell her to do or say something.  I thought we had.  But I had not anticipated that last year’s situation and this year’s situation would not translate as the same type of scenario for her.  (for part of last year’s incidents, view http://blindlyflying.wordpress.com/2010/11/11/bullying-follow-up/ )  She knows not to show her privates off to anyone or lift her shirt if they tell her etc.  But people telling her to say unflattering things about herself apparently is different.

We can talk about mean girls or bullying all we want.  I’m so discouraged by the things I’ve seen, by what I’ve heard from so many this year, and that NOTHING is done about it in school by most.  S’s teacher I can see she will actually address it.  This is her strong point.  more so than her academic teaching.  But others just let it slide, including the principal.

My job as S’s mom is not to go out there swinging for other kids.  Sure, I will bring it to the attention of the teacher and make it be known how it all came down.  But my job is for S.  My job is to give her tools, words, to teach her that this is not okay.  She should not be okay with any of this.  She should not want people telling her what to do or say, no matter how silly.  She should not be okay that they are all laughing, even if she doesn’t understand that they are laughing at her.  Friends do not do that to other friends.  Not where they use her to be the center of their entertainment.

But the protective mom side of me is:  How dare they!  How dare they choose the one who can’t see the difference.  The one who is such a people pleaser that she sees nothing wrong in it!  The one who is truly so kind hearted.  She sure has some flaws to her personality but she is incredibly sweet.  How dare they!!

And I go back to, this kind of shit I absolutely believe would have been a million times worse this year if she had been in any of the other 4 classes, or if even just 1 of the REALLy mean girls were apart of this class. That kind of poison spreads so quickly.  So do we take our blessings and sweep it under the rug?  NO.  we don’t sweep it under.  We do the right thing.  We mention it to the teacher.  Not with a what are you going to do about it kind of attitude.  but a listen….here’s what we heard.  Do you happen to know about it and how far this really went?  We are doing out part at home.  We just thought you should know.

And now we play the game of the first round.  again.

when the “help” just doesn’t seem to help

We recently went on a trip and visited a family we hadn’t seen in 4 years.  The last time we met up, S was just 4, and we were just discovering this world of special needs.  All we had in place was speech.  OT was going to be starting a couple weeks after that.  Catching up from there, what a whirlwind our lives both seemed to have been.  It made me take a hard look at the last 4 years.  It’s been a lot to pack in.  But it was encouraging to explain things, and to not be experiencing those particular events anymore.  I mean, S has changed! and progressed!  and thing manifest differently now than they used to.  My friend said it must have been an exhausting time for us.  I think back.  Yes it has been.  but the most exhausting part now really is what we deal with in school.  School is the biggest emotional player for me now.

There are the typical things that do come home that cause us all stress.  Homework that maybe S doesn’t get.  or the occasional tears about not wanting to play some game at recess that the others were trying to have her play.  Or the story about how someone was mean to someone else.  But I’m talking about stress coming from teachers that are put in place to help, but they don’t.

S has the most wonderful teacher this year.  I can see if a parent had a typical child in there, and you really wanted to see your child challenged….you wouldn’t be so happy then with her.  She is a wonderfully, warm and caring woman.  Truly.  She is not the strongest academically.  Is S learning?  absolutely.  She is learning tricks to math through acronyms that are sticking.  S is absolutely unchallenged in spelling, but since she struggles in other areas, I welcome the breeze through habits she has with it.  But this teacher is all about emotional growth and safety.  How the kids treat one another. How they respect each other.  How they grow as human beings.  These are the areas I think so few teachers take the time to develop, and in the grand scheme of things, is the most important.  Who cares if these kids can do equivalent fractions if they can’t learn to respect and tolerate others?

In this inclusive, general ed classroom, also comes support.  An aide and a special ed in class teacher.  It’s usually hit or miss with aides in the school.  You get some really great ones.  Or you get a crappy one where you wonder what the hell one has to do to become an aide.  Some have absolutely no business working with children.  Some you hope you get every year.  Our aide. Top notch. no complaints.

Our in class special ed support person?  Where the hell did they get her?

She’s new to the district.  Honestly, she is a nice person.  I have nothing against her crazy frizzy hair, or the smile that tries too much.  All I care about is how you are going to help my child.  Last year, we had one who started out okay and ended horribly.  She was so stuck inside her little box that she had no idea how to help S when her abc methods weren’t working.  There was no d,e,f or x,y,z.  So I had hoped this year’s support person would be able to think outside the box a little, as well as have some other strategies to help S figure things out.

When I reach out to her, she always responds.  This is a huge plus.  I can appreciate that!  She over highlights on the math hw, but still, the effort to draw S’s attention to certain details helps.  I can appreciate that, too.

I went in to meet with her in February, beginning of March.  We talked about S’s writing.  S has a real gift for writing.  She can write a 50 pg book if we let the pen fly, with almost no spelling errors.  It’s not organized to the reader and makes absolutely no sense.  But she can do it!   If you have S explain it all, you can start to follow her thought process and pattern.  But it’s all jumbled up there.  It comes out all jumbled on paper.  The support person kept saying, “I keep trying to get her to think as the reader, not just herself.”  But to do that, you have to assume that S can think from another’s perspective as she writes.  We focus so much of her therapy on her so it can be applied and drawn out.  But writing, even jumbled writing, has been her self therapy.  It’s where she goes to relax and get it all out for herself.  I understand the need for it to be organized and make sense to the reader.  But it’s not going to happen until she is able to do that verbally as well.  And that hasn’t happened yet.  Telling a story is still so broken when she tells it.

I can see this support person has tried a few things.  I found that encouraging.  But she admitted during this meeting, “I have hit a wall with S and her writing.  I just don’t know what we can do to help her.  I’m lost.”  Brave yet stupid thing to admit to a parent.  But what was the worst was that we were only at the beginning of March!  There are another 3 months to go!  What the hell is going to happen for the final 3 months?  As the re-eval looms, as the NJ PASS (2nd grade standardized tests) loom, as we figure out what she needs for next year in her IEP!?

This teacher gives off a very nervous energy. When kids are not doing her will, she starts to fly off the handle and her own anxious energies come out.  This does not bode well for my daughter.  So S then doesn’t want to go to small group work with this support teacher and puts up a fight-something she hasn’t really done before in other years.  That speaks VOLUMES to me.

I have found since then that while her special ed teacher is really nice and does mean well, she isn’t helpful.  She hasn’t been.  I asked her if she spoke to the speech therapist since the writing is going to be connected to S’s verbal skills.  She just stared at me.  Told me she never thought of doing that.  THEY ARE ALL THERE TOGETHER IN THE SCHOOL!  WHY ARE YOU NOT THINKING TO COLLABORATE WITH OTHERS??????

Do you know who has helped S out the most with this since I brought it to their attention?  Her outside speech and OT.  Yes, they have used sessions to map and teach different aspects of retelling and writing.  They hope to spoon feed it to her so to speak, to have her learn a roadmap for herself to write.  And they have been emailing it back to the support person to try it in school.  It’s infuriating to me that to get it done we have to pay for it.  That what the school has provided is essentially useless in this area.

GRRRRRRR……..  good thing is, we found the help somewhere else.  And S is starting to learn it!  I guess we can say money well spent!

Re-evaluation years

Every 3 years,  a child with an IEP, by law, has to have the district do a full educational evaluation of the child.  This way, a child study team is taking the time to figure out where theatchild is after 3 years of the different services that have been offered.  They have 60 days to complete it, and report back all finding back to the parents.

3 years ago, S had her first evaluation in the district.  She was 5 years old and in PreK.  It was a nightmare for 2 months for us.  Everyday, S would fight going to school and be super emotional during the day and at home.  She didn’t want to go to speech if she was by herself or to OT.  She must have figured out if she was going alone, all the attention was on her, and she would be peppered with questions.  When S is asked question after question, without the reassurance that she has it right or wrong, she starts 2nd guessing herself.  And once she is unsure, she stops really answering questions.  The shutdown begins.  By the time the final piece, the psych eval was getting done, this poor kid was fried.  She refused to go with the psychologist so her teacher had to sit with them and hold S on her lap.  She refused to answer many parts of the test, and only did a little.  In the end, we were told that the psych eval was incomplete.  The rest of it was finished and the doctor wrote what she could.  But it was left that way.  Incomplete.

3 years later,  8 years old, in 2nd grade, we enter the process again.  I was told that the psych eval took 2 sessions but were able to be complete it.  The speech has just finished, as well.  The learning specialist has to do her part, and the OT has to finish theirs.  Then we will be done.  We are almost 30 days into our time limit.  Not bad  I say.

There have been some tears about school this time around.  There have been some tears about other things at bedtime or afterschool.  There has been general moodiness this winter and going into the spring.  And I’m left wondering……is it the re-eval process again that is leaving her so unsure?  Is it that she is more aware of all these things and has other feelings on it?  Is she 8 and some hormonal fluxes leaving this child uneasy and pendulant swinging emotions?

I have been in constant contact with the different people doing the testing and her teacher.  All have been supportive.  I wonder all the time how accurate any of these tests are of S’s true abilities.  She is such a finicky test taker, in class and standardized.  Will it have any real insight for us on our daughter?

3 years ago, her speech teacher sat me down to discuss the report.  She scored so low in so many expressive categories.  If any of you have been through any process of scoring or testing, you may know what I speak.  Its always the most depressing thing to read.  I know my child is bright.  And I know that she has many different issues.  But seeing scores, and percentages, even if I don’t put too much meaning in it, they still glare out at you.  2%, 14%, 65%, it doesn’t matter.  It hurts.  Not that I am expecting these 98% anywhere.  I mean, she wouldn’t need all this support and an IEP if that were the case.  But still.  It’s a difficult pill to swallow each time we come to it again.

So S’s speech teacher went over everything in private.  She explained how she couldn’t prod beyond the questions or give more clues.  She had to read everything the way it was written.  S was looking for reassurance and knew things worded differently.  But she couldn’t get points on these questions because they couldn’t give it to her how she knew it.  She didn’t think the scores were indicative of S’s abilities.  Yet this is where she was testing.

What are we supposed to do with that  now?  She isn’t testing well.  Her skills are scattered.  What she needs most is confidence and reassurance which standardized tests don’t give us.

So far I have to say, I’m happy to see that S must have matured to have gotten through the testing as she has had to so far.  With some anxiety, but not what it was 3 years ago.  That’s a great sign.  But I have anxiety with where she is going to come out.  Not anxious about her services.  If anything, the way she tends to test, they have to give her the support.  Her scores indicated it’s what she needs to have.  But will there be true improvement?  I mean, yes, there is. I know she has many more skills than she did 3 years ago.  But will we have improved within the same rate to be in the same percentages and in raw score as we did 3 years before?  I have to believe yes it should.  But what if it’s all equivalent?  What does that mean?  What do we have to change?  The questions never really seem to end.  There is an ebb and flow of when it’s better and worse.  But they never stop, do they?

is it the beginning? or middle? and where do we go from here?

I’m feeling a bit heavy-hearted this evening.  At first I couldn’t figure out why this, what I’m about to share, bothers me as much as it does today.  But I realize it’s been building.  Today was just additional, but weights on me now.

S was out sick for 1/2 of last week and the Friday the week before.  A couple of weeks ago, she came home to tell me that the water bottle that I put in her bag everyday for snack wasn’t there.  Hmmm….I was pretty sure about remembering to put it in there, but maybe I forgot?  maybe.  It isn’t likely, but it could be possible.  A few days after that she told me a girl in her classroom had her water bottle.  S wasn’t upset by it.  She didn’t say that this girl took it from her or her bag.  But she said she had it.  My daughter drinks out of a small poland spring water bottle.  I figure, that girl must have had the same one.  Then, Thursday I labeled the bottle with S’s name on it, in red Sharpie.  She came home and said there was no water.  I wrote a note to the teacher, asking about snack procedure, where it’s kept during the day, etc.  Maybe someone was just taking the wrong bottle.  Or maybe it was rolling out of her bag.  Friday, I peeled the label off the bottle.  I wrote S’s name on it 3 times, and used the label maker to put 3 more tabs on it.  There was no mistaking this was hers.  I pick her up, and she tells me there was no water again.

I ran up and caught her teacher before she disappeared back in the bottle and asked about it.  She had no idea how that happened.  Apparently, 1/2 the class takes the snack out of their backpack and put it on a shelf.  Since S’s snack is always there, and not her water, I find that a little strange.  Her teacher told me to tell S to keep her snack in her backpack for now while she does some digging around.  She was taken back how anyone can have this highly decorated and labeled bottle.  She did say that they were having an issue with a few things disappearing, but she never saw any water bottles anywhere.  She was definitely going to keep an eye on it, and wanted me to keep her updated.

Could someone be taking my kids water bottle and it not be a mistake?  Could someone purposely be hiding it?  Or even throwing it out?  Because why would you take home a bottle that so says S’s name on it?  At first, I was thinking just an accident, or it rolled out or whatever.  Now I’m wondering if they are doing this with intent.  I’m sorry….what the hell????

Luckily enough, S, doesn’t seem bothered.  But again, what the hell?  Especially coming off a really bad cough/cold, I wanted her to be able to drink the water whenever she needed to get to it.  But really?????

This bothered me through Friday and Saturday.  The more I thought about it, the more of a bullying, but sneaky dealing, thought was underway.  By this morning, I had let it go, mostly.

I took M to a birthday party of a friend today.  She was very excited to go.  She really likes this girl.  They were in school 2 years ago, and while they were very good friends, the other girl could get really nasty to M.  Very bossy.  With M at a different school last year, I did hear through other friends that this girl pit a lot of other girls against one another.  A lot of, don’t play with her, don’t be friends with her, etc kind of crap.  I know these are girls.  I know we will have many years of this.  But it is exactly that.  CRAP.  These kids were 4, 5, and now 6 year olds.  I actually did not want these 2 to be together for Kindergarten.  I wrote notes and everything.  Not that they have a bad relationship.  They are good friends.  But I knew there was potential of this, and we live in the same neighborhood.  I just didn’t want it all right here so close.  Still, they got in the same class.  SHIT!!!

I thought it was going okay.  Nothing too much going on.  Recently, I started seeing a few things go on on the blacktop afterschool.  I don’t want you to play this, etc.  I was teaching M to say, “Well, you aren’t the boss.  I’d like to play.  We are all friends.”  I even tried the “You can’t say you can’t play” route.

M had a great time with all her friends at this party.  so much fun.  Eating cake, I kept seeing her frown.  I thought she was having problems with her juice box.  I waved her over to me.  She told me that the bday girl, and another good friend told her they weren’t her friends.  And that they were telling lies about her.  I told her to go back and tell them what they said was not nice, and that she didn’t like it.  She did.  The other friend heard her, and turned her back to M.  But I saw her watching me the whole time M was talking to me.  The bday girl was in conversation elsewhere.  She tried again with her friend, and that friend got up and hid behind her mom who was standing 2 people away from me.  Mom didn’t know, although the woman between us heard.  We went to get our shoes on, and M sat next to her good friend, who got up and went to sit next to her mom again.  I shook my head.  I didn’t take this one to be like that.  But who’s judging?

On our way out, I told M to wish the bday girl a happy birthday and thank her for the invite.  Do you know what she said?
“Happy birthday.  Thanks for inviting me to your party.  I had so much fun.  By the way, I didn’t like it when you were telling lies about me, and then said you weren’t my friend.  That wasn’t nice. and I didn’t like it.  I thought we were good friends.”  Bday girl looks up at me.  What was I supposed to do?  I just sort of shrugged.  I wasn’t expecting that speech.  Birthday girl says, “I”m sorry.  I was teasing both of you, but the other girl thought it was funny.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Sorry.  We are still friends.”

Now, I know this girl.  If I hadn’t been standing there, I don’t think that apology would have rolled right off her tongue.

This is disturbing to me.  Both scenarios.  The water bottle.  That’s just sneaky and wrong.  The birthday party…that’s very girl behavior and we are going to have a lot of that going on.  I just feel so discouraged by it tonight.  I know it’s out there.  It’s not the first time.  Won’t be the last time.  I’m not saying either of my kids are perfect and don’t measure in this equation.  In M’s case, she absolutely could.  They said they weren’t her friends after she tried to correct them.  When they kept insisting that she did something, she got mad and called them liars.  and not just any kind of liars.  the big fat kind.  Thus came the, we aren’t your friends comment.  I let M know what she was responsible for.  I want them both to know the things that they can do to ward off these types of outcomes.  But they are still young.  It’s going to happen.  I hate it.  I hate it for my girls.  I would hate it if it were my girls that did that to someone else.  I hate that kids can be so mean and are like that.  And I hate that parents aren’t accountable for their children, either.  Parent involvement is tricky.  And most of the time, I don’t like to deal with that.  But you aren’t going to be accountable for your own kid and their mistreating others?  You are just going to look the other way, or think…not my kid?  I don’t get that.  I hate to judge. I really do.   But this road…..I don’t like it.  One of the few I’d rather not see what lies ahead.

gratitude

It’s been a little over a week.  But 1 year and 1 week ago, 2 big things happened.  My good friend’s mother passed away.  After coming back from the wake, I found out that my niece, then almost 2, had a brain tumor.

I’m lucky enough to still have both of my parents living and relatively healthy.  My dad still works, although he would like to retire soon.  He turns 70 in the fall.  I like to just call my parents with no reason, just to say hi.  That’s just how we are.  Nothing to report, just hey.  And I think I do it more as they get older.  They are still my parents.  And like most parents, they don’t like to share anything difficult with their children, including if they are going through anything.  They still think they need to shield us.  I guess we never outgrow that.

I watched my friend throughout this whole year.  She is so strong, yet I know this was so difficult for her.  Sometimes, you just have those moments you just want to share with your mom.  Happy, sad, angry.  Who better as an advocate for you?  We are so busy looking out for our kids, sometimes we need someone to be looking out for us moms.

Since becoming a mother in 2003, I feel this eternal wave of gratitude towards my mom.  All the things she must have had to endure as an immigrant with a baby in the US.  How difficult it was to raise the 3 of us.  And as I raise my own family, she tries to stay involved and is right there for me, even if she doesn’t live nearby.  How many more years will I get to have both my mom and dad in my life?  I don’t like to ponder that because it’s beyond upsetting.  But the reality is they are getting older.  We spend so many years trying to get them out of our lives so we can be independent.  Then when we get our independence, we lean on them here and there.  Whenever I am sick, I still want my mommy.  Later we get to a point of realizing that they aren’t the strongest and healthiest anymore.  Their bodies ache, they start forgetting small details.  There is only so much they can do in a day.

Whether I get 20 days or 20 more years, I am grateful for whatever time we have.  Yes. they are not perfect and absolutely drive me crazy at times.  But I’m sure I give it back 100 fold!

In terms of my niece, what a trooper.  She endured surgeries, and complications from that surgery.  Try keeping a less than 2 y old in isolation and staying in bed!  Today she is a thriving almost 3 year old.  Talking, walking, running, playing.  She tries so hard to keep up with her older brother and sister.  She just had her 1 yr post surgical check up.  Got an all clear from her doctors.  Oh, what a relief.  Our family’s miracle.  She was our Christmas miracle last year.  and continues to be.

In 1 years time, what a turnaround it has all been.  Grateful for my family and extended family.  Grateful for my parents.  grateful for my friends.  Doesn’t mean we don’t drive each other crazy and go nutty on them.  That’s just being real.  But I am grateful for all of them.  Thanks!!!  And I hope you all know how much I love you all!  When I go off on any of you, remind me of this post please!  :)

Sept 11- 10 years later

I blogged a long post last year.  It’s my story that day.  You can read it here.

http://blindlyflying.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/sept-11th/

Every year, we are reminded of the horrific events of that morning.  And those images never get easier for me to see.  In some ways, I didn’t think I would be so sensitive to it.  I mean, it’s been 10 years.  I have lived with all of it for that long.  But to really sit and put myself back there on that day, I get goosebumps.  My throat starts to tighten.  I see pictures of the way it all unfolded, and I have to look away.  A month ago, my mother forwarded me a photo montage from Time or the New York Times.  I actually called her to tell her not to forward me those graphic pictures.  I didn’t need to see them.  She was a little surprised by my reaction, as was I.

Seeing the cover of People magazine and the New Yorker this week has brought on such solemn and sad feelings.  All these children growing up without a parent.  All the ones left behind to grieve and wonder.  I ponder how far have we come since that day.  Have we really come that far?  And does it really step from the shadow of what we’ve lost?  Maybe it’s the fact it’s a 10 year anniversary, and there is so much more focus and dedications than in the past years.  With all the memorials and name inscriptions of those lost.  I’m finding myself much more emotional this year, much more thoughtful about it all.

I think about this world my kids are living in.  And yet, they seem so unphased.  Maybe it’s the age, but they remind me so much of my Kindergarten class that horrible morning.  Those kids were exactly what I needed to put one foot in front of the other.  They needed us.  They were so innocent.  The energy and kindness of that particular class, the empathy they had for each other, it was an amazing year.  There was so much potential they had as a class, for community building, reaching out to others.  The types of letters they wrote to local engine companies, to those suffering, choked me up writing it out with them.  We teachers put our own needs and emotions on the backburner to get the class through in the best, positive way possible.  Who knows what that cost any of us teachers that year.

But my kids.  They still need their parents.  They need us to show them how to maneuver through this thing called life.  Spats with friends, difficulty learning a particular project, etc.  From the very little to the huge, they straddle wanting to do things for themselves by themselves to wanting support and hand holding.  As a parent, I struggle with letting them figure it out on their own and stepping in and helping “fix” the issue.  They go to school, and I hope for the best.  I hope they learn about so many things, not just academics.  Yes, I want them to read and write well, have their stories make sense, understand what they are learning and reading about, learn from science experiments, learn how to tell time and count out money.  But I hope they learn how to be a good friend, how to share with others, how to include others, to feel confident with their choices, even if they are different from their peers, to want to try things to the best of their abilities and feel good for trying it out.  My kids are just what I need to focus on what is important to me right now.  But what of the other things they have to learn about now, too.  They will have to learn of the history of 9/11 at some point.  They will learn that their dad was there and witnessed the 2nd plane hitting the 2nd tower.  They will learn of our personal ordeal that day in NYC.  They will learn of these wars that our soldiers have been involved with since.  On top of that, the violence of school shootings has led to mandatory lockdown drills at their school.  The first one was last spring.  We were notified by the superintendent that it was going to happen in case of suspicious people in the building.  I thought they would sit quietly in the room.  Asking S, she said they were told to be quiet, and squatted down behind the teacher’s desk.  Even M’s preK class played “being quiet” behind a set of shelves, shielding them from the door.  They were hiding!!!  How terrifying is that as a parent?  The fire drills.  The bomb scare drills.  and now the lockdown drills.  How long will they remain in their innocent bubble?

What of us adults?  I tense when a plane sounds like it’s coming in too low.  My house shakes sometimes when they fly by.  I supposed it happens when we live 20 min from Newark Airport.  I get suspicious as I see them coming.  We can be on the highway, going by the airport, and for a split second I do a double take….wondering why it’s coming in so fast and low.  Then I am back in reality.  It’s the airport runway on the other side of the highway!  Crazy me.  A truck hits a bump and makes a loud boom.  I’ve heard it a million times.   Sometimes it catches my ear, and I have to wonder for a moment.  These are my little wake up calls when I’m in my reverie of everyday life.  Will this pass?  Do I want it to?  Because if it goes away, will I stop being vigilant?  Will I take my life and everyone around me for granted?

I send my husband off to work every morning, where he returns to the sight of our fright from 10 years ago.  He left that area and was bounced to different buildings over the years.  Last year, he changed companies, and is back down in the financial district.  He sees the buildings going up from his office windows.  With this new terror alert, we cringe even more.  But he puts one foot in front of another and does what he has to do.  Life.

It’s a day for remembering.  I guess that’s what I have been doing.  Bless all of you out there, with your own personal 9/11 memories, and stay safe everyone.  Hug those around you, make sure you tell people you love them, and feel blessed by what we still have.

more meetings

I’m so sorry it has been soooooo incredibly long.  It has been an insane month and a half.  Nothing overwhelming and specific.  Just life, I guess.  That and I picked up a new hobby a month back that literally took every bit of free time.  I got back into knitting at the request of my little M.  And in order to get everything done in a timely fashion, before winter was over, I knitted in the car while I was waiting for them at pick up, at home if I was watching a show at night, in the waiting rooms at speech and OT.  I wasn’t knitting huge things, but they were still projects to me.  Scarves, and blankets for m’s dolls.

Then the winter was so long and cold and snowy.  I didn’t want to spend all my posts bitching about the weather.  And you know I would have had to sneak it in there every time!

So, here we are.  March!  And I pray that spring comes soon. And with the warmer, sunnier weather, comes more progress and good news.

We just got an announcement that S’s teacher, who has been on maternity leave since MLK, Jr. weekend, is due to come back next week.  She will have a 2 day overlap with the current sub.  I wanted to find out how S had been doing in these 6 weeks, so I met with the sub last week.  She taught 2nd grade for YEARS.  I had heard mixed things on her.  But I have come away with such gratitude and amazement to the depth that she knows my daughter in those few weeks.  really amazing.  Our IEP Annual Review will likely be in April or May, but I figured I should know what has happened and where S is at.

MSV sat me down last week, and laid it all out.  She said she thought S was doing well.  She was progressing, definitely learning.  MSV changed S’s seat.  She was sitting at the front table, but facing the door.  She had to turn her body to see the blackboard or whatever was up on the screen from the overhead projector.  She changed it to the next table, facing the other way.  This way, things were always right there in front of her.  2nd, the school wired the room with a speaker in the back that connects to a microphone MSV wears around her neck.  Because she walks around a lot while she teaches, her voice may get softer to those that are further away.  This speaker allows everyone to hear her at a louder volume.  She said that it has really helped S, and other children.  The new projector that works like an overhead but is larger, puts the new math sheets right up on the screen.  It’s right there visually for S to learn from, and she doesn’t have to turn in her seat to see it.  She is sitting with one of the girls that started the bathroom incidents that led to further bullying.  But MSV said there has been no issue that she has seen in the classroom.  None have been spoken about at home.

MSV said S’s focus definitely wavers, but she tries really hard to focus back.  She also has to use the bathroom a lot, especially when they are doing something new.  Between the anxiety and the energy to refocus, S is left very tired at the end of the day.  She often complains a lot about being tired in the afternoon.  That part really didn’t surprise me, but it still broke my heart.  What must go through S’s head every day.  In school. out of school.  Her worry.  Her effort to always be focused and put a hold button on her distractability.  From our point of view, she has come so far.  Yet here we are, being told, that it’s all still very much there.  I know it has been.  But to hear it from someone else.  And the effects it has on S.  hearbreaking, nonetheless.

Overall, the concerns were put out there.  But we got some great feedback.  I was really happy with all the news.

So, now that they are all hitting a groove with this sub, the regular teacher is coming back.  I didn’t have too many issues with her before.  I liked her.  But I seem to think this new sub is an even better fit.  I’m not the only one.  A few other parents say the same thing.  So we look to another new transition starting next week.  Things should be interesting.  And I can only hope that school goes off without a hitch during this transition as it did the last.

Parent-teacher conferences 2010

The events leading up to the P-T conf was filled with my own anxiety.  I was not so much nervous about what was going to be said to me.  But I was nervous because things didn’t add up for me about S.  My husband, on the other hand, saw this as an opportunity for clarification.  But you know me.  and my whole what if and do they mean this, and so on.  I have a cursed mind that allows all kinds of questions to creep in and spread doubt.  It’s really unhealthy.  And I do my best to fight those demons off.  I also just saw Tangled this weekend, so the whole idea of my life in animation is pretty satisfying at the moment.

So, we started off with M’s.  She was very straightforward.  M has adapted well to her new school, class, and classmates.  She has been building good friendships.  Although she prefers special friends, she doesn’t have to be with them all the time.  She does go off and choose her own things, regardless who is there.  M is showing good readiness skills.  She knows patterns, shapes, colors, and letters and numbers.  She has progressing fine motor skills that they are still keeping an eye on.  She is distractable, and is working on sitting quietly and not chatting.  I think she will be working on that for the rest of her life.  And I really do mean that.  She is a chatterbug.  She has all kinds of theories and philosophies on every aspect of life.  It’s quite astounding to hear her thoughts and how she came to those conclusions.  It’s a mix of delight and dread, all wrapped together, when we hear her exclamation, “Wait!  I got a great idea!”  Sometimes it honestly is just that.  A great idea.  And other times….well…yeah.  M is agreeable in school and redirectable  (definitely NOT the same child at home.  But I’d rather they see that M and not the one we experience at home, instead of the other way around).  Her teacher answered all of our questions and our 15 min were up.

S’s conferences were broken up.  We had our 15 min session with her teacher, in class math support teacher, and in class writing support teacher.  Then we had 15 min with just that math support teacher.  15 min with just that writing support teacher.  Finally with a 15 min one with her speech teacher.  I knew 15 min was not going to be enough time if I had all 3 together.  Boy, was it NOT enough time!

Thankfully, S’s teacher speaks faster than anyone else I know.  We live in the greater NYC surrounding area.  You better bet we know people that talk fast.  But this lady, she squeezes an unbelievable amount of information in a short amount of time.  She flew.  S was making steady progress in math.  She is enthusiastic and conscientious.  She wants to do well.  She is very distractable, though.  She requires many prompts.  She is re-directable.  But her lack of ability to sustain concentration slows her down.  In reading, S is also progressing well.  She reads with expression, and has added in talking marks (”  ”) into her writing, which apparently is a higher skill (I didn’t know).  Comprehension is coming along, although she struggles with it.  She can answer better with scaffolding questions.  In writing, S is doing very well.  She has lots of vowels in her writing, and she loves to write a lot.  Again, in reading and writing, as with math, her focus wavers often.  It definitely slows her rate of learning.

I got to ask a couple of questions about the report card.  We explained that it wasn’t the mark.  But we just didn’t see the same thing at home, so we wanted to know how S was assessed.  For example, rote counting 1-20 has been an independent skill since preschool.  We didn’t understand how she was assessed as needing assistance.  Did she lose the skill?  Apparently, the way they are taught through their math curriculum, S has a number chart 1-100.  She has to find the number, and then “jump” x amount of spaces, and find what the final number she lands on.  So she can start at 3 and be asked to jump 10 spaces.  She should land on 13, and say 13.  However, she gets careless, and sometimes distracted.  She has to jump down a line and may forget in that step what number jump she was on.  To me, this is not rote counting.  I understand why it is assessed this way.  But it’s not rote.  This is visual, and visual scanning, and counting, and staying 1-1 correspondence, and so many skills wrapped together.  It’s not rote.  But given the explanation, I said yes.  I can see why she needs help.  I didn’t need to be explained the rest.  We literally ran out of time, and were going into the next person’s time.  I was told if we needed more time, we could make another appointment.

The separate meetings with math and writing went okay, too.  Focus was again the topic.  She’s distracted by herself with her shoes, distracted by others, distracted by the environment.  Yet math and writing are a strength for S.  Right now, it’s all so concrete.  I can understand why she likes it so much.  We were given activities we could be doing at home with her to help review.  I asked the math teacher for the topics ahead of time, and some of the language used.  But I was told that there was a specific way they teach the kids, and my helping at home could confuse S.  I understand where she is coming from.  However, I know that there are parent pages in the Everyday Math curriculum.  She could have given me copies of that.  Or shared the language they use.  Heck, I can probably purchase that book and still be able to go through it with S.  I know it’s perfectly sequential.  But she was definitely on the no path with me.

For S’s teacher and writing teacher, we brought paper and samples of work that Kev has done with S since August.  It looks completely different than what she does at school.  They were all surprised.  We agreed to making modifications for S in the classroom and for homework.  We’ll see what the follow through is.

I feel okay coming out of the conferences in the sense that I understand how the teachers see S and what the challenges are.  I think they are seeing my daughter, and appreciating her.  Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day?  To have our children be happy and learning, and knowing that their teachers do know them and appreciate our kids?  So I’m satisfied with that.

At the same time, I’m a bit disheartened.  Why am I the one asking for modifications or suggesting them?  Why have they not initiated these things?  Why, if they see that S is struggling in some ways have they not come up with other alternatives or options?  I think S’s teacher is really awesome.  I do.  And maybe she is a great teacher for the masses but not for special education.  But then what about S’s support people?  Why haven’t they when they are more qualified in that realm?  This is a real concern for me.  Yes, we are S’s strongest advocates.  No question.  But we are not IN that classroom.  The 3 people that need to be on this haven’t come up with other options to help S in these areas that she struggles.  If handwriting is in issue, if she is having problems staying in the lines she is given or with sizing the letters, why haven’t they spoken more to the school OT?  Why haven’t they collectively come up with other ways?  You can identify areas of concern or where the child needs assistance.  But that’s only part of the issue.  How are you going to get them to where they need to be, or where they can be?

Then this brings up other questions for me.  S is in a mainstream inclusive classroom.  Even with her IEP, her teachers are expecting her to learn and perform to the rest of the class.  She is keeping up, and doing well.  But how long will she keep this going?  What about when the content gets more abstract and complicated?  Getting pulled out, or going to a special ed school, well that involves a lot of other behaviors and issues that I’m not sure will be the best place for S either.

And with the problems of her focus, what are they really trying to tell me?  Is it so bad that it is impeding on her learning?  That she is not learning?  They kept saying it.  However, they said she was learning.  We know that S does not have ADD or ADHD.  The dr. believed that it came from her sensory processing disorder.  And sometimes with her lack of confidence.  Do we need to think about medicating?  I know people do it, but she’s only 6.  I want to medicate as a last resort.  When her lack of focus impedes learning.  But at what point am I the advocate?  And at what point am I in denial?

The reality is S’s situation is always changing.  The demands keep changing.  Her abilities keep changing.  And for that, what works at one time, may not work at another time.  sigh.

The 1st first grade report card

About 10 days ago, S’s report card came home.  Last year, in Kindergarten we got a mid-year report, and an end of year report.  Now, we are quarterly.  It’s not long and not graded, but lettered.  I=independently demonstrate skill, M=most of the time, A=requires assistance, S=requires support, not yet understood.  We tend to get some I’s, a lot of M’s, a handful of A’s, and 0-1 S’s.  Depending.  I’m not one of those moms looking for all I’s and M’s.  I’m realistic with S’s capabilities.  If she didn’t need assistance or support, she probably wouldn’t have an IEP in place!

But what I got was a lot of M’s.  A few S’s. A bunch of A’s, and 1 S.  But what I got them in, we couldn’t really see that at home.  Based on the report card, S doesn’t write her letters and numbers independently, or have directionality, or can’t rote count to 20, or able to write legibly.  None of which describe her.

My first reaction was they wrote about the wrong kid.  My husband’s reaction was do they know our child?  We were completely miffed.  But we couldn’t really ask too much about it.  Because 10 days after getting this report card, we were having our parent teacher conference.  And that was the proper place to ask about it.

So I had to sit on this for 10 days.  And after all that happened with the school and bullying, honestly, I didn’t need anything else that was leaving me miffed.  It’s bad enough to not feel like your child is in a safe environment.  With a teacher that said she has no connections or real friends.  But to think that your teacher’s child doesn’t even know what skill sets she has?

I had to take a serious step back.  I was suddenly feeling so claustrophobic from it all.  And I’m not even the one at school!  We are only at the end of November, but I’m feeling already so drained from these past few weeks.  And maybe my radar was so far buried in October, but I was feeling pretty good before!  How could so much spiral out of control so quickly?

You know, where I taught, we didn’t have report cards.  We had mid-year reports.  and End of year reports.  There was a checklist and under each section, we wrote narrative paragraphs.  So everything that we checked, we could back up with our observations from the child.  Trust me.  As a teacher. HUGE pain in the ass.  However, again, from a teacher standpoint, reading a report about a child coming into my classroom in the fall, it was a great help.  To determine things that worked for the child and that didn’t.  What had been difficult then.  To monitor the progress.  It was all just so much more helpful.  Not like this checklist.  With nothing on it but a sticker that said I look forward to seeing you at your conference on this day at this time.  No.  But that was then.  This is now.  This is what I got.  And we do our best to work within the system we have.

Can I say it out loud?  Sometimes….the system sucks.  Being a parent sucks.  Stress sucks.

Nope.  still sucks.  That didn’t help or make me feel better.

Let’s try it again…..sucks sucks sucks sucks……..nope.

maybe with some brownies it helps.  sucks sucks sucks…add the brownie……mmmm….still sucks, but at least there is better taste in my mouth!

Next topic:  The conferences.

school meeting, follow up day #3

We’ve been so busy these last couple of days, and I was really just exhausted by Friday to give any updates on our most recent situation.

So Friday was another crazy day.  I woke up actually feeling a little better than I had the day before.  We had a plan, and there was nothing for me to do but get through my morning.  We had our usual morning routine of getting dressed and ready for school, eating breakfast and heading out.  S went on her happy way, and I went back home.  I got myself ready and took M to gymnastics.  S had her parent visitation at school, so I left and a friend was going to take M with her.

Visitation was such a great thing to watch.  The kids were on the rug, having a discussion about the Revision process in their writing.  Everything the teacher was doing reminded me of the stages of Writer’s Workshop when I taught it…now 7 years ago.  sigh.

But it was great.  I got to sit with S and go through her story.  7 pages long.  It was a wonderful story about visiting her grandma and grandpa’s house.  Not all of it is sequential or makes sense, but it was pleasing, nonetheless.  She was so proud.  She smiled at me when I walked in.  She kissed me when I left.  She asked me what to do if she missed me.  I told her to smile because I was thinking about her.  She waved and that was that.  I didn’t look around for the kids that had bothered her, or the parents.  I just focused on my own child and left.

After taking M to school, time went by quickly.  And then we were rushing off to school to meet with the principal and the teacher.

We were left waiting outside of the office for about 10 min.  But my husband and I were keeping things light and making each other chuckle about silly things that didn’t matter.  It helped ease anxiety and tension before going in.  We had our note of our priorities, things we wanted to know before we left.  We had a gameplan.

The principal started with for the sake of time, what did we want to know or cover so she could be sure all that was discussed.  It led us perfectly into our agenda, which she wrote down as we went through.  To her credit, she really did go through all of our points.  We were told by the teacher that the 2 girls involved with the bathroom incidents were both spoken to and parents were called.  We were a little surprised.  Also, the bathroom stall lock was replaced that Friday.  Again.  Surprised.  Facility work orders tend to take time.  This took 2 days.  hmmmm…  The teacher thought I had meant that there was 1 bathroom incident with 2 girls involved.  When I clarified that it was 2 incidents, a few days apart, with 1 girl for each, somehow made things even more serious.  And they began to understand even further our concern.  Regardless, this issue was tackled. And right away.

The lunchroom one was a little more complicated.  The aides were apparently right there to stop it.  But there is discrepancy with who said what, how it began, who were truly the culprits.  1 boy in S’s class and 1 girl in another class were originally called out.  S said it was the girl and another boy in that girl’s class.  Apparently that boy and the boy in S’s class are cousins.  Apparently that boy and the girl are in my neighborhood.  We don’t know them.  The girl told her teacher, who was doing some legwork interrogation, that she didn’t say anything.  She just watched.  My husband called them on it, though.  How can the aides be right there to step in, yet are unsure of who was involved?  But the principal clearly said, “I absolutely agree!  Isn’t that a problem!”  In reality, I’m sure the aides weren’t right there.  That’s why they are so unsure.  And because the stories are unclear, no action can be taken.  Parents aren’t called, etc.   oh, and by the way, it was 2 inches of underwear that was shown.  Nothing more.  Our response?  That’s 2 inches too many.   But everyone is now on notice.  Those aides now know they need to be hawks.  All the teachers are aware.

The principal brought back on us things that we could be working on with S to empower her.  And to work on certain unconscious behaviors that may make her stand out.  Certainly for S to have a strong voice to say, NO, or STOP.  I’ve certainly heard it, but I guess they have not!  To talk to S about privacy and what we keep covered and private.   I have seen S do this at home, but it’s a lot less.  She sometimes, very unconsciously rests her hands on the inside seam of the waist of her pants.  I see her do it on the back.  And when we read in bed, she does it in the front.  Nothing is moving.  She almost looks like she is resting her hands in a pocket or just keeping her hands warm.  But that does draw attention from others.  So we work on “quiet” hands where we can see them.  I told them that for me, at this current time, given that these 3 things have occurred in a weeks time, I didn’t feel that S was emotionally safe at school.  Regardless if she is aware or not, I am worried about her for the 6-7 hours she is in school, wondering if something else happened that day or not.  Wondering if she would be able to tell me.  I didn’t think that was something I could do, nor should do.  The lunchroom situation was definitely not a protective environment for S.  They seemed to respond to that.

She gave possibilities for lunchtime and recess supervision.  Apparently there is a quiet lunch where a small group of children eat together.  It used to be run by a social worker who would work on social skills.  That person is no longer there.  But some other aides run it, and run it the same way.  Currently, most of the kids are older.  I’m not sure that S would go for that unless some kids she knew and her age were going.  She likes being part of the main group, doing whatever everyone else is doing.  Leaving the room for speech and OT, she goes with kids in her class.  If she had to by herself, I guarantee she would protest.  I’d personally like to see some more eyes in that lunchroom and recess.  We’ll have to see about that.

I figured I will also start buying S longer shirts in hopes that her underwear is less likely to show when she is sitting down at lunch or on the rug.  To avoid extra attention.  All things I don’t think are her fault at all.  But we will do what we can do keep her covered!

My husband wanted to know about what was appropriate, what is not.  the consequences.  She said clearly what the girls did to S in the bathroom was not.  She said it was plain “mean”.  I actually appreciated that.  Sometimes we are careful of the words we choose to use so that it protects all the parties.  This one, well, I’ll take it.  The lunchroom was absolutely not appropriate.  They have never seen this happen before, especially at this young age.  She assured us that she was absolutely not taking it lightly.  She started to say when kids physically may look different or do things that make them look different, others notice.  And they want to really teach tolerance and make sure everyone is treated equally and respectfully, inspite of their difference.  My husband and I weren’t quite sure if she meant our race, being in such a minority, or something like S occasionally resting her hands in her waistline.  I mean, where did that one come from and where was she going with it.  But she continued on.

All these kids were first timers.  If anything like it happens again, the principal will either send them home, or they will serve an in-school suspension, spending the day in the office.  She went through a slew of possibilities.  It made us feel better in the sense that she was clear of the consequences to the children.

Overall, my husband turned to me at the end and asked how I felt about it.  1 to 5, 5 being the most helpful.  I said between a 3 and a 4.  He felt the same way.  That made me feel better.  We were on the same page.  We got out of it what we had hoped.  Not everything.  But she managed our agenda well.  I don’t think she was just handling us either.  We will see where this leads us.

Thanks to everyone who has been following this and given advice and feedback.  It’s been amazing to feel the support.  Thank you.