our spring break trip=break from habits

The kids had spring break starting on Good Friday.  Things felt so busy and crazy before that.  But I also felt that things were starting to be better.  S was having less and less meltdowns, and she was coming out of  school much happier.  Her re-eval testing was going well.  I was feeling more encouraged.

Bedtime was hit or miss with S, though.  She would be very happy and head upstairs and sometimes she would be fine. Sometimes she would start to get anxious and cry.  But all that was getting better through the first week of April.  The strange change she clung to was who was going to read to her at night.  For YEARS, it has always been my husband.  She would tolerate me reading, but she really did prefer him.  Then for a short stretch, it didn’t really matter so much.  The last couple of weeks leading into break, it had to be me.  She would ask over and over again who was going to read to her. She would insist that it would be me.  A couple of times when it was my husband, she would start to cry.  It’s a very odd thing for us, because more than anything, she has always been Daddy’s girl.  ALWAYS.  You hear that babies are born,  and seek their mother, and naturally root for their breast.  Nope.  Not with us.  She would only want me when she wanted to nurse.  Later, as she got a little older into baby months, she would look to me to feed her and for comfort.  Yet, she wanted her dad.  It went on for years, or rather until this year.  Strange.

We took a cross country trip to California to meet our new nephew and niece twins!  So exciting!  We were going to spend time with our 3 1/2 yr old nephew and meet his twin siblings!  While we were at it, we were going to try to meet up with some friends, too.

What a trip.  A couple of days in warm and sunny San Diego.  Amazing.  We went to some beaches, saw some amazing views, went to Sea World.  We just had fun.  Exhausting but fun.

Then we headed up for warmer LA.  We saw my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews and nieces.  The girls and my older nephew haven’t seen each other in a year and a half.  They hit it off after an initial 5 min shy period.  They played like they  played everyday.  How my girls took to these babies, especially M.  oh, just melted my heart.

Over the next 3 days, we saw 3 different family friends, 1 of them spent the day in Disneyland with us.  They all had so much fun together.  I guess after 3 full days of just the 4 of us, the girls were excited to be with friends.  Even friends they just met.  S got into the mix with all of them, too.  She also knew when she had had enough and went to find some quiet time for herself, too.  I found that very encouraging that she was able to monitor what she wanted and needed to do.  The days were very long, with lots of transition, yet fulfilling for everyone.

For someone who is so adverse to change, S travels very well.  S and M both love transportation rides.  Planes, trains, taxis, trolleys, bikes, etc.  They love it all.  They love hotels and hotel rooms.  Each one is different with different amenities.  They look forward to each experience.  Maybe because we are all together and there is always someone to sleep with that make them more comfortable.  Even if we did a 1bdr, the girls would share that room together.  Or if we were all in one room, then they fall asleep and wake to us being in the room with them.  I don’t know.  I just find it strange yet very encouraging.

Upon coming home, there have been no fusses about who reads bedtime stories.  No fusses about pretty much anything. Just very happy faces going to be at night.  Now, it’s significantly later in the night than they are used to because they are still operating on PST.  But it seems for right now, those fussy habits have stopped with the break from our own routine.  Maybe that’s the key, we need to go away for a night to break the night routine!  LOL!  Obviously that’s not really an option, but it is food for thought now.

 

Re-evaluation years

Every 3 years,  a child with an IEP, by law, has to have the district do a full educational evaluation of the child.  This way, a child study team is taking the time to figure out where theatchild is after 3 years of the different services that have been offered.  They have 60 days to complete it, and report back all finding back to the parents.

3 years ago, S had her first evaluation in the district.  She was 5 years old and in PreK.  It was a nightmare for 2 months for us.  Everyday, S would fight going to school and be super emotional during the day and at home.  She didn’t want to go to speech if she was by herself or to OT.  She must have figured out if she was going alone, all the attention was on her, and she would be peppered with questions.  When S is asked question after question, without the reassurance that she has it right or wrong, she starts 2nd guessing herself.  And once she is unsure, she stops really answering questions.  The shutdown begins.  By the time the final piece, the psych eval was getting done, this poor kid was fried.  She refused to go with the psychologist so her teacher had to sit with them and hold S on her lap.  She refused to answer many parts of the test, and only did a little.  In the end, we were told that the psych eval was incomplete.  The rest of it was finished and the doctor wrote what she could.  But it was left that way.  Incomplete.

3 years later,  8 years old, in 2nd grade, we enter the process again.  I was told that the psych eval took 2 sessions but were able to be complete it.  The speech has just finished, as well.  The learning specialist has to do her part, and the OT has to finish theirs.  Then we will be done.  We are almost 30 days into our time limit.  Not bad  I say.

There have been some tears about school this time around.  There have been some tears about other things at bedtime or afterschool.  There has been general moodiness this winter and going into the spring.  And I’m left wondering……is it the re-eval process again that is leaving her so unsure?  Is it that she is more aware of all these things and has other feelings on it?  Is she 8 and some hormonal fluxes leaving this child uneasy and pendulant swinging emotions?

I have been in constant contact with the different people doing the testing and her teacher.  All have been supportive.  I wonder all the time how accurate any of these tests are of S’s true abilities.  She is such a finicky test taker, in class and standardized.  Will it have any real insight for us on our daughter?

3 years ago, her speech teacher sat me down to discuss the report.  She scored so low in so many expressive categories.  If any of you have been through any process of scoring or testing, you may know what I speak.  Its always the most depressing thing to read.  I know my child is bright.  And I know that she has many different issues.  But seeing scores, and percentages, even if I don’t put too much meaning in it, they still glare out at you.  2%, 14%, 65%, it doesn’t matter.  It hurts.  Not that I am expecting these 98% anywhere.  I mean, she wouldn’t need all this support and an IEP if that were the case.  But still.  It’s a difficult pill to swallow each time we come to it again.

So S’s speech teacher went over everything in private.  She explained how she couldn’t prod beyond the questions or give more clues.  She had to read everything the way it was written.  S was looking for reassurance and knew things worded differently.  But she couldn’t get points on these questions because they couldn’t give it to her how she knew it.  She didn’t think the scores were indicative of S’s abilities.  Yet this is where she was testing.

What are we supposed to do with that  now?  She isn’t testing well.  Her skills are scattered.  What she needs most is confidence and reassurance which standardized tests don’t give us.

So far I have to say, I’m happy to see that S must have matured to have gotten through the testing as she has had to so far.  With some anxiety, but not what it was 3 years ago.  That’s a great sign.  But I have anxiety with where she is going to come out.  Not anxious about her services.  If anything, the way she tends to test, they have to give her the support.  Her scores indicated it’s what she needs to have.  But will there be true improvement?  I mean, yes, there is. I know she has many more skills than she did 3 years ago.  But will we have improved within the same rate to be in the same percentages and in raw score as we did 3 years before?  I have to believe yes it should.  But what if it’s all equivalent?  What does that mean?  What do we have to change?  The questions never really seem to end.  There is an ebb and flow of when it’s better and worse.  But they never stop, do they?

couples

M has been playing house in her pretend play for a long, long time.  Recently, in the last month or so, she has named herself a husband.  Brutus.  Where she got this name, who knows.  I always assumed we would play names of our friends.  She has had a huge admirer over the past year.  But no, it’s not him.  My son-in-law is Brutus.  Brutus is a construction worker, turned handyman, turned jack of all trades, including logging in many hours on his computer.   Doing what?  I don’t know.  M and Brutus have 3 girls, too.  It’s M’s job to take care of them.  Taking time off from her fashion designing.  M takes all of her kids to swim lessons, karate, to the babysitting room while she goes to work out, and to school.  She drinks her coffee in the car while listening to music.

I’m honestly afraid of some of the things that might come up in play.

It’s very interesting listening to her play by herself.  Her daughters occasionally fight with each other, and she referees them.  And I hear sternness in her voice when she corrects them.  She is very loving to her babies, which is a comfort to me.  Hopefully, she thinks I’m loving to her, too????

S doesn’t do a lot of pretend play.  She expresses a lot of things in her drawings and stories.  Happy faces, very sad and mad faces.  Storytelling in an abrupt and non continuous flow.  But it’s all there when I’m asking about it.  The person is mad because they were not allowed to choose a MarioKart character by themselves.  This person is feeling anxious because the nightlight bulb went out while she was sleeping.  Life imitating art, or art imitating life.  There is less of a where it begins and how it ends, but more of a this is what is happening in the middle.

I saw this couple today in the parking lot at the grocery store.  I’d say in their 70s.  Plain old nasty to each other.  They bring 2 packed carts to unload to the car.  I was parked next to them, unloading my own car, wondering why they needed so much food?  Wife asked what was in the bag he was passing her.  He went off!  ”How the hell am I supposed to know what is in there.  I don’t have x-ray vision.  Open the damn bag and look at it youself.  Hell, you were the one who bagged these.”  It went on for awhile.  To the very end.  He put the cart away, and came back to open the door, it was locked.  Then they start yelling at each other.  And I can’t back out until he gets in the car, so I’m left waiting….listening.

What’s the point of this anecdote?

I often wonder what we leave behind for our kids, in the present.  I see how they play out in their work, in their play.  But life is not always happy happy, and marriage most certainly is not.  It’s a lot of work.  And if so far, we are able to pass off to our kids that we are a loving married couple with these 2 kids, great.  But how do we go from that to that couple I saw today?  We have fought and debated in front of the kids.  We don’t yell and scream at each other, but kids are perceptive.  They know when things are amiss between their parents.  I want them to know that these relationships are work, with a lot of give and take.

Seeing a lot of things lately have been bringing tears to my eyes.  That story of the father who fell trying to catch a ball at the baseball game for his son dies.  Seeing the video that his son went back to the Rangers ballpark, and threw out the first pitch at the Divisional Series Game.  Baseball pitch caught by the player who originally threw the ball up to his father right before the fatal fall.  Today, that crazy 15 car wreck in the NASCAR race.  I saw a picture of the driver who died, after he won a race in May, with his wife, toddler son, and tiny baby.  What will they take with them from their parents?

As my parents get older, I no longer take their presence here for granted.  How long will they remain in my girls’ life?  What will they remember of their grandparents?

I guess, I’m just wondering of what kinds of legacies we are leaving behind.  Do I want to be remembered for kissing them every night and singing a little tune at bedtime?  Or do I want to be remembered for bringing my daughters to tears because she forgets to bring her homework home.

I know this isn’t the most pleasant of subjects to be thinking about.  But it has been weighing heavily for a little while now with me.  Thought it might help to put it out there.

 

Sept 11- 10 years later

I blogged a long post last year.  It’s my story that day.  You can read it here.

http://blindlyflying.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/sept-11th/

Every year, we are reminded of the horrific events of that morning.  And those images never get easier for me to see.  In some ways, I didn’t think I would be so sensitive to it.  I mean, it’s been 10 years.  I have lived with all of it for that long.  But to really sit and put myself back there on that day, I get goosebumps.  My throat starts to tighten.  I see pictures of the way it all unfolded, and I have to look away.  A month ago, my mother forwarded me a photo montage from Time or the New York Times.  I actually called her to tell her not to forward me those graphic pictures.  I didn’t need to see them.  She was a little surprised by my reaction, as was I.

Seeing the cover of People magazine and the New Yorker this week has brought on such solemn and sad feelings.  All these children growing up without a parent.  All the ones left behind to grieve and wonder.  I ponder how far have we come since that day.  Have we really come that far?  And does it really step from the shadow of what we’ve lost?  Maybe it’s the fact it’s a 10 year anniversary, and there is so much more focus and dedications than in the past years.  With all the memorials and name inscriptions of those lost.  I’m finding myself much more emotional this year, much more thoughtful about it all.

I think about this world my kids are living in.  And yet, they seem so unphased.  Maybe it’s the age, but they remind me so much of my Kindergarten class that horrible morning.  Those kids were exactly what I needed to put one foot in front of the other.  They needed us.  They were so innocent.  The energy and kindness of that particular class, the empathy they had for each other, it was an amazing year.  There was so much potential they had as a class, for community building, reaching out to others.  The types of letters they wrote to local engine companies, to those suffering, choked me up writing it out with them.  We teachers put our own needs and emotions on the backburner to get the class through in the best, positive way possible.  Who knows what that cost any of us teachers that year.

But my kids.  They still need their parents.  They need us to show them how to maneuver through this thing called life.  Spats with friends, difficulty learning a particular project, etc.  From the very little to the huge, they straddle wanting to do things for themselves by themselves to wanting support and hand holding.  As a parent, I struggle with letting them figure it out on their own and stepping in and helping “fix” the issue.  They go to school, and I hope for the best.  I hope they learn about so many things, not just academics.  Yes, I want them to read and write well, have their stories make sense, understand what they are learning and reading about, learn from science experiments, learn how to tell time and count out money.  But I hope they learn how to be a good friend, how to share with others, how to include others, to feel confident with their choices, even if they are different from their peers, to want to try things to the best of their abilities and feel good for trying it out.  My kids are just what I need to focus on what is important to me right now.  But what of the other things they have to learn about now, too.  They will have to learn of the history of 9/11 at some point.  They will learn that their dad was there and witnessed the 2nd plane hitting the 2nd tower.  They will learn of our personal ordeal that day in NYC.  They will learn of these wars that our soldiers have been involved with since.  On top of that, the violence of school shootings has led to mandatory lockdown drills at their school.  The first one was last spring.  We were notified by the superintendent that it was going to happen in case of suspicious people in the building.  I thought they would sit quietly in the room.  Asking S, she said they were told to be quiet, and squatted down behind the teacher’s desk.  Even M’s preK class played “being quiet” behind a set of shelves, shielding them from the door.  They were hiding!!!  How terrifying is that as a parent?  The fire drills.  The bomb scare drills.  and now the lockdown drills.  How long will they remain in their innocent bubble?

What of us adults?  I tense when a plane sounds like it’s coming in too low.  My house shakes sometimes when they fly by.  I supposed it happens when we live 20 min from Newark Airport.  I get suspicious as I see them coming.  We can be on the highway, going by the airport, and for a split second I do a double take….wondering why it’s coming in so fast and low.  Then I am back in reality.  It’s the airport runway on the other side of the highway!  Crazy me.  A truck hits a bump and makes a loud boom.  I’ve heard it a million times.   Sometimes it catches my ear, and I have to wonder for a moment.  These are my little wake up calls when I’m in my reverie of everyday life.  Will this pass?  Do I want it to?  Because if it goes away, will I stop being vigilant?  Will I take my life and everyone around me for granted?

I send my husband off to work every morning, where he returns to the sight of our fright from 10 years ago.  He left that area and was bounced to different buildings over the years.  Last year, he changed companies, and is back down in the financial district.  He sees the buildings going up from his office windows.  With this new terror alert, we cringe even more.  But he puts one foot in front of another and does what he has to do.  Life.

It’s a day for remembering.  I guess that’s what I have been doing.  Bless all of you out there, with your own personal 9/11 memories, and stay safe everyone.  Hug those around you, make sure you tell people you love them, and feel blessed by what we still have.

back to school

ok.   It has been months, almost 6 to the day, since my last post.  I admit I have been completely MIA when it comes to blogging.  But there is so much to share from the past 6 months.  Hopefully these next few days, I will be able to get it all out there.  We have IEP things to cover, meetings, summer, camps, swim team (yes, we did!), vacations, progress, set backs….you name it.

Tonight, let’s just focus on tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the 1st day of school.  S will have her first day of 2nd grade.  I don’t know how that happened.  M will start Kindergarten.  My focus has so wholeheartedly been on S for all these years.  Yes.  I admit that, too.  M, with some concerns, has had very positive school experiences, and has been very happy with everything.  All these things go on with S, who has had positive experiences, too, for the most part.  But with her anxieties, quirks, and difficulty communicating stories and events, has been my main focus when it comes to school.  I don’t think that M’s teachers really feel that I am not present or on top of things.  I know they find me dependable, and I certainly volunteer for things.  But I don’t go into her school years with as much angst and checklists as S.  It may be unfair, but somehow things always come together for her, so I worry less.  S needs to get a strong start, and has to feel positive from the get-go, or it becomes a long year.  But because of that focus, I don’t know how all of a sudden my baby is going to Kindergarten.  She grew up so quickly while I wasn’t looking!  And you should see her.  She is so excited about Kindergarten.  Getting milk for snack now from the lunch room aides.  Having center time.  Making new friends.  Keeping some old friends.  She has S’s K teacher, and is so thrilled. She chose a new dress to wear tomorrow.   She said she couldn’t sleep she was just so excited.

I have felt more prepared for S in years past then I do this year.  Everything seems like a mad scramble.  We were so busy through July.  August was a little more of a breathing month, but we were still busy.  Hurricane Irene certainly set us back in getting back to school, too.  I couldn’t shop for everything when I would have liked, and then the end of the week just got jam packed with activities.  Then we treated the girls to a night in Maryland with our good friends, and another family came down, too.  We all had such a good time, but we were definitely tired.  So all last minute things had to be taken care of today.  If you thought Labor Day was the last day of summer and to be spent soaking it all in, then I don’t know why there were so many people at Target and Staples today getting their hands on the last of the supplies!  It was insane.  I wanted to yell at everyone, “Please, just go enjoy the last day of summer!”  But no, would anyone listen to me?

I don’t like feeling scrambled.  I think it offsets on the rest of the family.

To my surprise, while S definitely had some moments of short tempers, a bit of whining, and lots of questions of school, it hasn’t been nearly as much as I would have anticipated with the whole back to school idea.  It’s there.  more nail biting, hair twisting, her speech tends to stutter more when she is stressed.  But not as many tantrums or tears as I would have thought.  She’s exhausted from the last few days of outings, and maybe that helped her go right to sleep.  Who knows.

Tomorrow will be a big transition day.  No slow mornings.  No drawing at breakfast time.  No lounging in our pajamas until 10am.  We begin our hustle and bustle.  I’m excited for them.  Nervous for them.  a little sad for myself.  and a little sad for them that they won’t have the summer to enjoy more.    We will see what tomorrow brings!

 

more meetings

I’m so sorry it has been soooooo incredibly long.  It has been an insane month and a half.  Nothing overwhelming and specific.  Just life, I guess.  That and I picked up a new hobby a month back that literally took every bit of free time.  I got back into knitting at the request of my little M.  And in order to get everything done in a timely fashion, before winter was over, I knitted in the car while I was waiting for them at pick up, at home if I was watching a show at night, in the waiting rooms at speech and OT.  I wasn’t knitting huge things, but they were still projects to me.  Scarves, and blankets for m’s dolls.

Then the winter was so long and cold and snowy.  I didn’t want to spend all my posts bitching about the weather.  And you know I would have had to sneak it in there every time!

So, here we are.  March!  And I pray that spring comes soon. And with the warmer, sunnier weather, comes more progress and good news.

We just got an announcement that S’s teacher, who has been on maternity leave since MLK, Jr. weekend, is due to come back next week.  She will have a 2 day overlap with the current sub.  I wanted to find out how S had been doing in these 6 weeks, so I met with the sub last week.  She taught 2nd grade for YEARS.  I had heard mixed things on her.  But I have come away with such gratitude and amazement to the depth that she knows my daughter in those few weeks.  really amazing.  Our IEP Annual Review will likely be in April or May, but I figured I should know what has happened and where S is at.

MSV sat me down last week, and laid it all out.  She said she thought S was doing well.  She was progressing, definitely learning.  MSV changed S’s seat.  She was sitting at the front table, but facing the door.  She had to turn her body to see the blackboard or whatever was up on the screen from the overhead projector.  She changed it to the next table, facing the other way.  This way, things were always right there in front of her.  2nd, the school wired the room with a speaker in the back that connects to a microphone MSV wears around her neck.  Because she walks around a lot while she teaches, her voice may get softer to those that are further away.  This speaker allows everyone to hear her at a louder volume.  She said that it has really helped S, and other children.  The new projector that works like an overhead but is larger, puts the new math sheets right up on the screen.  It’s right there visually for S to learn from, and she doesn’t have to turn in her seat to see it.  She is sitting with one of the girls that started the bathroom incidents that led to further bullying.  But MSV said there has been no issue that she has seen in the classroom.  None have been spoken about at home.

MSV said S’s focus definitely wavers, but she tries really hard to focus back.  She also has to use the bathroom a lot, especially when they are doing something new.  Between the anxiety and the energy to refocus, S is left very tired at the end of the day.  She often complains a lot about being tired in the afternoon.  That part really didn’t surprise me, but it still broke my heart.  What must go through S’s head every day.  In school. out of school.  Her worry.  Her effort to always be focused and put a hold button on her distractability.  From our point of view, she has come so far.  Yet here we are, being told, that it’s all still very much there.  I know it has been.  But to hear it from someone else.  And the effects it has on S.  hearbreaking, nonetheless.

Overall, the concerns were put out there.  But we got some great feedback.  I was really happy with all the news.

So, now that they are all hitting a groove with this sub, the regular teacher is coming back.  I didn’t have too many issues with her before.  I liked her.  But I seem to think this new sub is an even better fit.  I’m not the only one.  A few other parents say the same thing.  So we look to another new transition starting next week.  Things should be interesting.  And I can only hope that school goes off without a hitch during this transition as it did the last.

face to face

Sometimes when you only have conversations with someone by phone and you can’t put a face to that voice, you are left with certain impressions.  They aren’t always right, but it’s all you got.  When dealing with school people, I find that happens a lot.

It’s hard to get in there and meet face to face all the people that work with your children.  The specials teachers (library, music, art, etc), and in S’s case her OT, SLP, Math support, and Writing Support.  I met all her special ed teachers during conferences in November.  I was impressed with some.  Very unimpressed with others.  But we are dealing with it.  S’s OT was easier for all of us to meet in January.  Let her OT get to know S and the school better, and we would be able to figure it out.

First of all, she never even sent a letter introducing who she was and when she was going to be working with S.  That alone really bothered me.  I believe that every person who will be pulling your child from her regular class to give her side instruction on a delay she has should at the very least give a name, when they will be meeting, and how to contact her.  I went through so many different calls between the school, her teacher, and S’s case manager.  FINALLY, I got a notice in October.  It gave a phone number on how to reach her.  ”School hours, M-F”.  That’s a little strange because don’t you think she would be teaching children during those hours?

We had a phone conversation.  She didn’t sound very impressive.  Barely knew my kid.  But I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  On 4 separate occasions, I asked her to email me or send it to me.  Sometimes I may get an idea in the middle of the night, and by the time I wait until morning,  I’ve gotten distracted and forgotten until the next night.  and so on.  Email has become that crutch.  I have gotten used to having things at my finger tips.  It’s much easier to send something out and let someone get back to me when they can.  But then you have to play ball.

It’s past mid- January, and I get absolutely no feedback in any shape or form from the OT.  No email.  No notes.  Nothing that tells me anything that they are doing.  I have to ask S specifically if she saw her OT and what they were doing.  Not always the most reliant information either.  I asked for a meeting.  It took a week to get back to me.  But we set it up.  Let’s just say, I wasn’t feeling too gracious towards the OT.

She definitely surprised me.  She described so many aspects of S’s personality and approaches to things, to a T.  She was casual about how she talked about the things they were doing.  She is clearly not a stickler for many things.  If S’s letters are not written exactly in the lines given or spaced the exact way they should, she does let it slide.  Her explanation was that S’s writing is legible and clear.  It may not be the neatest, but she writes a lot and we can read it.  Period.  She does work on improving aspects of it, but she is not going to drill her on precision.  I can appreciate that.

She offered up lots of different observations that made me take a step back and really think about S.  She said that S likes to read and position her paper to the left side.  Not down the midline.  She asked me if S had her eyes checked by an opthamologist.  Kids that favored one side tended to have weaker eyes on the other side.  The eyes may not be tracking the other way well.  hmmmm…..

Also, I always took S’s quirks and difficulty maintaining conversation as a real problem to social situations.  But that it was from S’s point of view.  She told me kids could mistake that distance and inability and keep their own distance because they didn’t know what to make of it.  S is not a physical child either.  So even when she wants to get your attention, she won’t tap you or pull on your sleeve.  You can be talking to her and she won’t be looking.  It could be offsetting to S’s peers.  I never thought of that.

The OT was very upset to learn about the bullying that happened during November.  The school never notified her.  She had the lunch and recess hour free, and offered to stop in and check in.  If she could help S manipulate some of these social situations, and help provide scripted conversation starters for S, it may go a long way.

I could feel her appreciation for my daughter.  For all the things that S brought to the table, she could see the big picture.  She saw how my child shined in certain lights and what would make her shy away.

I have to hand it to this woman.  For ALL the lack of communication she had, she really nailed my kid on the head.  And not just her personality.  But how she maneuvered through school.  She was so in tune with her and how she functions in the classroom.  It was extremely impressive for someone who never thought to contact S’s parents with just a ‘hey…this is what we are working on, etc.”

Another lesson learned.  Face time can be extremely important, especially when there is so little communication.  The OT gave me numbers and email addresses.  I will feel more comfortable having her in our corner going forward.

 

oh December

You know, after Thanksgiving, it always feels like such a flurry!  December rushes in, and suddenly, as if we weren’t busy enough, things get CRAZY!  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways, all lumped together.

December, of course, brings the holiday spirit.  The lights go up.  The tree goes up.  We start threatening bad behavior with the elf and santa.  And how easy is it to call or email or even text Santa now?  It’s exciting to make the lists, make cookies, gingerbread houses, put up the decorations and stockings, light the fireplace, and listen to carols.  Menorahs and candles are lit from several homes, too.  The holidays are in the air, and it’s a wonderful feeling.

December brings a lot of festivities, too.  Some of them last until very late.  This makes for very tired and cranky children the following days.  This leads to tired and cranky parents.  And together we make this beautiful, cranky family!

Throw in the fact that S’s birthday lands in the middle of the month.  Party planning, preparations, favors, everything.  It adds to everything.  And I love S’s birthday.  She’s such a happy, matter of fact little clam about it all.  I usually get away with not telling her that it’s her party day until the morning of.  This may not work anymore, though.  But it’s always something to see how excited she gets by it all.  Of course, this usually brings on a happy yet somber M.  She is quite happy her sister gets her birthday.  Yet, she wishes she has presents and a party, too.  And poor M has to wait 3 long months before her time comes.

With all the added excitement comes the drama of relationships.  As we tense up from being overtired or maxed out on emotions, so come the bickering, the unpleasant sniping, the nitpicking, the digging in the heels.  All those wonderful emotions that come in relationships and marriage.  As they say, ’tis the season!

So as December rolls in, it’s time to smile.  Take lots of deep breaths!  Think…this is the giving season.  This is the time to be generous.  This is not the time to yell and fight.  This is the time to bring ourselves closer together.  Sometimes just doing a tiny bit of yielding opens the door to so many more warm possibilities.  Being tight and stubborn and snippy seems to lead to more disconnect.

Hug your loved ones.  Remember to breathe in the sweetness.  And pray, that we make it through the rest of the month without going crazy on each other!  Happy Holidays!!!

where does bullying begin?

A few weeks ago at a wedding, a friend of mine asked me as a former Kindergarten teacher, what was my perspective on bullying.  We spent some time talking about it.  Then it came up in conversation at pick up last week.  Then today I heard a very believable and disturbing story today surround S.

I was talking to a friend of mine, trying to figure out a day for a playdate for our younger daughters and then one for the older daughters.  She was hesitant to tell me, but she ended up with the story.

Her daughter apparently goes to the bathroom at school as much as my own daughter does.  And S and her go together quite often.  Once recently, 4 girls went together.  One of the girls told S to use the stall with the purple door.  Apparently, it doesn’t have a lock on it.  S, who usually will do what people tell her, went in.  While she was going, that girl pushed the door open so everyone could see.  S got up and shut the door but the others were giggling.  Then it happened a 2nd time with another girl doing it.

I’m disturbed for a few reasons.  S is naive and innocent.  She’s not savvy about social situations and not always knowledgeable with what’s appropriate.  She thinks nothing of going to the bathroom with the door open or her underwear showing.  She doesn’t have much embarrassment on privacy.  These are all things we’ve been trying to get her more aware of, but it’s slowly coming because she herself hasn’t internalized it all yet.  S doesn’t even know what’s so funny about it.

When my friend’s daughter asked S why she went into the purple stall again, her response was because so and so told her to.  So even in her own mind, she hasn’t drawn the line with making her own choices in a group.  appropriate choices.

How do they pick out who to do it to?  How do they know to tell her to go into that stall and no one else?

The 2 girls that did it are friends.  So my guess is that the story started with the one and went to the other who tried it out.  Does it go around to the rest of them who might try it?  And let’s push off to other issues?  What if it involved S or someone else and it’s much more invasive and inappropriate?  I believe that these are the early stages of bullying.  You may not be beating someone up or “terrorizing” them, but you are starting to single out someone and starting behavior that is not….nice.  Regardless if the person isn’t aware that’s its not right.

I’m not naive enough to think that bullying will ever go away.  It’s been around forever and will continue.  But we still need to act responsibly.  As parents, as educators, as a school, as a society.  We need to nip each budding situation in the bud.  And hope that we reach these personalities before real damage is done.

They are only 6 and 7 years old, for goodness sakes.  What’s happening to kids these days?

Sunday nights

We are heading into the 3rd week of school.  the 2nd full week coming.  And yet again, even though we had a great weekend, the transition to bedtime for Monday continues to be one with angst.

We really had a fun weekend.  My husband came home early enough on Friday night, and we took the kids out to dinner.  They had a great time.  We were woken in the middle of the night by M, who threw up all over her bed.  After cleaning it all up, and changing her sheets and giving her new pillows and blankets, she slept all night and later into the morning.  She seemed fine by Saturday morning.  We gave her a light breakfast, and we went apple picking with good friends of ours.

The girls had a ball with the 2y old son of our friend.  They were so excited to be with him, and tried to include him in everything.  And he was so excited to be with them.  He just followed their every moves.  You could tell his mom and dad were happy about it because he didn’t fight them when it was time to eat, go to the bathroom, anything.  He just followed the girls.  It was honestly a great day for the adults and the kids.  Exhausting, but great.  The fall festival was up at the orchard.  So bounce houses, corn mazes, apple picking, pony rides, feeding the animals, everything was up and running.  And so were the kids.  We got home late and had a relaxing evening.  Bedtime was no issue.  Everyone was tired.

Today, both girls were a little whiny, especially M.  But even S had some troubles with transitions today.  They got over them quickly for the most part for awhile.  I went out to brunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in years.  S and her son are 2 weeks apart.  She was one of the first mommy friends I made, when S was 7 weeks old.  She moved when the kids were 15 months, and came back to the area when they were 3.  But with our busy schedules, younger babies, etc. we could never get together.  With full day school, forget it.  We decided it best to just meet for brunch.

My husband took the kids out to the park to play.  They had a great time.  After lunch, he took them swimming at the YMCA while I ran some errands.  By dinnertime, they were hungry, cranky, and tired. BAD combination.  The only thing missing is either being too hot or too cold!  You parents know what I’m talking about!   Each step after dinner was a problem for S.  She wanted to go outside and play after dinner.  As soon as she went, she tripped on the deck and scraped her leg.  Then she didn’t want to play.  She didn’t want to stay inside by herself.  Then she wanted to play catch, but then she didn’t.  When it was time to go upstairs, she didn’t want to shower.  Then she realized that it was going to be Monday.  ”I don’t want to go to school.  I don’t like school.”  on and on.

In the end, as much as she stalled, she was better than she has been in years passed.  Yet we still go through it.  No matter how great the week is that we got through, or how terrible or wonderful the weekend was, Sunday night is a transition night.  For all of us.  And it brings on lots of whining, some tears, and resistance.  Thankfully, sleep comes easy to me on Sunday nights!!!  Because I’m tired of hearing it!  Bring it on Monday!