Re-evaluation years

Every 3 years,  a child with an IEP, by law, has to have the district do a full educational evaluation of the child.  This way, a child study team is taking the time to figure out where theatchild is after 3 years of the different services that have been offered.  They have 60 days to complete it, and report back all finding back to the parents.

3 years ago, S had her first evaluation in the district.  She was 5 years old and in PreK.  It was a nightmare for 2 months for us.  Everyday, S would fight going to school and be super emotional during the day and at home.  She didn’t want to go to speech if she was by herself or to OT.  She must have figured out if she was going alone, all the attention was on her, and she would be peppered with questions.  When S is asked question after question, without the reassurance that she has it right or wrong, she starts 2nd guessing herself.  And once she is unsure, she stops really answering questions.  The shutdown begins.  By the time the final piece, the psych eval was getting done, this poor kid was fried.  She refused to go with the psychologist so her teacher had to sit with them and hold S on her lap.  She refused to answer many parts of the test, and only did a little.  In the end, we were told that the psych eval was incomplete.  The rest of it was finished and the doctor wrote what she could.  But it was left that way.  Incomplete.

3 years later,  8 years old, in 2nd grade, we enter the process again.  I was told that the psych eval took 2 sessions but were able to be complete it.  The speech has just finished, as well.  The learning specialist has to do her part, and the OT has to finish theirs.  Then we will be done.  We are almost 30 days into our time limit.  Not bad  I say.

There have been some tears about school this time around.  There have been some tears about other things at bedtime or afterschool.  There has been general moodiness this winter and going into the spring.  And I’m left wondering……is it the re-eval process again that is leaving her so unsure?  Is it that she is more aware of all these things and has other feelings on it?  Is she 8 and some hormonal fluxes leaving this child uneasy and pendulant swinging emotions?

I have been in constant contact with the different people doing the testing and her teacher.  All have been supportive.  I wonder all the time how accurate any of these tests are of S’s true abilities.  She is such a finicky test taker, in class and standardized.  Will it have any real insight for us on our daughter?

3 years ago, her speech teacher sat me down to discuss the report.  She scored so low in so many expressive categories.  If any of you have been through any process of scoring or testing, you may know what I speak.  Its always the most depressing thing to read.  I know my child is bright.  And I know that she has many different issues.  But seeing scores, and percentages, even if I don’t put too much meaning in it, they still glare out at you.  2%, 14%, 65%, it doesn’t matter.  It hurts.  Not that I am expecting these 98% anywhere.  I mean, she wouldn’t need all this support and an IEP if that were the case.  But still.  It’s a difficult pill to swallow each time we come to it again.

So S’s speech teacher went over everything in private.  She explained how she couldn’t prod beyond the questions or give more clues.  She had to read everything the way it was written.  S was looking for reassurance and knew things worded differently.  But she couldn’t get points on these questions because they couldn’t give it to her how she knew it.  She didn’t think the scores were indicative of S’s abilities.  Yet this is where she was testing.

What are we supposed to do with that  now?  She isn’t testing well.  Her skills are scattered.  What she needs most is confidence and reassurance which standardized tests don’t give us.

So far I have to say, I’m happy to see that S must have matured to have gotten through the testing as she has had to so far.  With some anxiety, but not what it was 3 years ago.  That’s a great sign.  But I have anxiety with where she is going to come out.  Not anxious about her services.  If anything, the way she tends to test, they have to give her the support.  Her scores indicated it’s what she needs to have.  But will there be true improvement?  I mean, yes, there is. I know she has many more skills than she did 3 years ago.  But will we have improved within the same rate to be in the same percentages and in raw score as we did 3 years before?  I have to believe yes it should.  But what if it’s all equivalent?  What does that mean?  What do we have to change?  The questions never really seem to end.  There is an ebb and flow of when it’s better and worse.  But they never stop, do they?

fall blues?

We are officially at October 3rd, and a very chilly front has blown through.  It has been constant showers and rain for the past couple of weeks.  So I have to ask, is it too early for fall blues?

I love this time of year.  Pumpkin spices are everywhere.  I love to hear the sound of leaves crunching under our feet.  I like to wrap myself in a warm sweater while we are outside.  I like how crisp things are at this time of year.  While I don’t like to be cold, I love to lounge in my warm bed while the outside the covers, it’s a delicious chill.

October also means things are in full swing.  The kids are still adjusting to their days at school.  They are still puckered out at the end of the day.  This also means that the newness of going back to school and the initial excitement is over.

S, since the first day of school, on the whole has been okay.  A bit whiny here and there, especially at bedtime, but okay.  M, whiny through the late afternoon and right before bed, but she’s been okay, too.  Here we are in October, and S is STILL whiny at bedtime.  I got on my husband’s case last night because instead of walking right out as S started to say, “Something’s the matter,” he started making comments back.  He wasn’t sitting down for a full discussion, but keeping the conversation going.  I would love to hear her out sometimes.  I would.  But it’s so garbled sometimes and a mishmash of thoughts, and it’s difficult for us to really understand what it is she is trying to convey.  I mean, yes, I understand the actual words, but the thought that she seems to want to express is not all there.  It could be “I’m just confused.”  Or “something’s the matter.”  Then you ask what or why and you might get an answer about a book, or toothpaste, or medicine, or something completely unrelated.  This is where I feel bad that we can’t break through some of these expressive language delays.  I don’t know for sure if S knows what she wants to let us know, but she is having a hard time getting us to understand.  So then he sticks around for a couple of minutes to chat, but with each sentence, S gets more and more irritated.

I asked him last night why he didn’t just walk out.  He said that sometimes when he does, S gets even more upset.  So what are we supposed to do?  I don’t know.

Good thing, though, 8 out of 10 times, S falls right to sleep. 7 out of 10 mornings, though, she wakes up whiny.  She comes in saying, “I was just upset”  or “I was a bit confused.”  Then we start asking the what and why, and we are no closer to figuring it out than we were last night.

Is it just a habit now?  Is she getting more anxious?  Is it just her adjustment phase to her schedule?    Do we ever really know?  Tough love? or nurturing and some coddling?

summer trips

What’s a summer without a little bit of travel?  It doesn’t have to be far trips or overnights.  But it does need to be a chance to do something different from the day to day.  Just about anything can be an adventure.  A trip to a museum, a new park, the beach, the boardwalk, a waterpark, a new pool.   Or you can hop on a plane or train or car and really go places.  It’s up to you.

I sat through a lecture a long time ago, and the details of the whole speech and who gave it are lost to me.  But there was one very important point he made, and I never forgot it.  Kids need different experiences to build upon.  Each of those experiences opens the child up to new discovery and feelings.  That’s how a child grows.  A child who only does the same things and doesn’t have outside experiences will not have a worldly growth and appreciation for new or adventure.  On one hand, I can’t say that would be a universal statement.  However, for the most part, I do think it’s true for many to a degree.

My cousin got married in June in NYC.  We decided to get a hotel room for a night so we didn’t have to trek back to NJ in the middle of the night.  If you have ever been to NYC, you’ll know that everything is small, tight, and crowded.   Our hotel room was no different.  But the girls were ecstatic.  They have been in the city many times, but not likes this.  They enjoyed just walking around, seeing the lights.  I took M on the subway to a place on the Upper West side to get her hair done for the wedding  (she was the flower girl).  We caught a cab on the way back.  These are all normal things people in NYC do.  But to them, what an experience!  I liked seeing this side of them.

The hotel stay used to freak S out a little bit, even if she was excited.  Travel, in general, while she has been good, is sometimes difficult.  She liked her own things.  She was uncomfortable in new rooms.  There were always tears.  Sometimes when we left our house.  Almost always when we had to leave to come back home.  Now, she loves hotels.  I’ve learned we have to bring a couple of familiar things, and a night light certainly helps.  We are all able to stay in one room for an overnight without waking each other up every hour.  That helps, too.

We went to my parents home in Syracuse for the 4th of July.  Both girls always have fun there.  This year, we also went to a friend’s lake house on the finger lakes.  It was a huge party.  Tons of people, tons of kids, swimming, a bounce house, dinner, fireworks, everything.  It was interesting to see S and M mix it up with the kids of people I grew up with.  Some clicked, some didn’t.  But they both tried.  Most of these kids already knew each other from school or being family or friends.  But they all accepted my 2.  M definitely put herself in the groove more than S, but S tried, too.  She certainly participated in everything.  S has acclimated to the room she sleeps in at my parents home.  She looks forward to sleeping there, and we rarely see tears at bedtime or morning.

In August, my husband had to be in Toronto for a few days for work.  He has been talking for a year now about having the family go up when he has to work and see Toronto.  He couldn’t say enough things about it.  It happened to work out that he had to go up on a Wednesday and would be done by Friday.  So I flew up with the girls on Friday to meet him.   We stayed until Sunday.  The girls had the time of their lives.

Toronto is a very family friendly city.  There is so much to do there, so much to explore.  We definitely wore them out.  There was no question they were exhausted.  Yet, in a packed weekend, they experienced so much.  The weather was great, so walking around the city, finding restaurants to eat at, walking the underground malls, swimming at the hotel pool, it was so easy.  We took a day to take the ferry to the Toronto Islands, and spent the afternoon playing there.  At dinner time, we took the ferry back, and walked to the CN Tower.  A huge needle point tower.  At the top was a restaurant that rotated for a circular view-  the 360.  A great and expensive dinner.   Dinner included a special express line to the elevators.  The regular line was about 60-90 min long.  Then after dinner we could go to the observation deck 1 floor below.  Lots of views, including the glass bottom floor.  SCARY for my husband and I.  Dizzying even.  Not so much for the kids.  They were lying down on their bellies with the faces to the glass.  I know that’s not really sanitary and totally disgusting, but we were fighting off the dizzy spells.  We’ll let the kids do whatever while we get our bearings.  An express ride down the elevator led straight to the gift shop-also very family friendly, but not at family friendly costs.

A ride on the subway led us to Toronto’s Korea town for dinner on our last night.  After eating pizza and pasta and sandwiches, Korean food was a welcome treat for us all.  In the corner of the room was a big screen TV, playing Korea’s top 20 pop music performances.  In a language they are far from fluent in, M and S were mesmorized.  We were asked to download some of those songs when we got home.  Funny.  We took the light rail back, and headed to the airport.  The kids say that was their best hotel stay ever.  And love their pink CN Tower shirts and caps.

We spent a week at Bethany Beach, DE with a couple of families.  My kids love the beach, and are well accustomed to spending many hours out there.  I wasn’t worried about them loving it.  But sharing a house with friends is always something we look forward to, but worry a little about to.  I never know how my kids will react sharing rooms, toys, etc.  They were very comfortable with these kids, so I worried less.  Honestly, couldn’t have asked them to do any better.  The kids got along amazingly.  A couple of little tiffs, but really, in the span of the week. nothing.  S and M shared a room, with S on a top bunk.  I always wondered how she would be up there, especially when she sleep walks.  S loved it, and M enjoyed being on the bottom bunk.  They made it work well for themselves.  And both knew without us saying not to come and wake us up until 7am!

Finally, we spent a day in NYC with a friend that just moved in.  We parked in Jersey City, and took the ferry across the Hudson River to Battery Park.  The girls were so excited about these transportation excursions.  They played in a playground, and rode their razors around lower Manhattan.  My husband got out of work early, and he walked out to meet us.  It was a pleasant day, they were riding with friends, and they got a little taste of city life before we went back to suburban life at night.

I feel like we gave the girls a good fill this year of a lot of different kinds of experiences, and I would like to think they got a lot out of each of them.  If I opened any doors in their minds, and gave them a little bit of newness (is that a word?), then I feel we more than did our part this summer in creating a little more flexibility, even if for just a little while.

more meetings

I’m so sorry it has been soooooo incredibly long.  It has been an insane month and a half.  Nothing overwhelming and specific.  Just life, I guess.  That and I picked up a new hobby a month back that literally took every bit of free time.  I got back into knitting at the request of my little M.  And in order to get everything done in a timely fashion, before winter was over, I knitted in the car while I was waiting for them at pick up, at home if I was watching a show at night, in the waiting rooms at speech and OT.  I wasn’t knitting huge things, but they were still projects to me.  Scarves, and blankets for m’s dolls.

Then the winter was so long and cold and snowy.  I didn’t want to spend all my posts bitching about the weather.  And you know I would have had to sneak it in there every time!

So, here we are.  March!  And I pray that spring comes soon. And with the warmer, sunnier weather, comes more progress and good news.

We just got an announcement that S’s teacher, who has been on maternity leave since MLK, Jr. weekend, is due to come back next week.  She will have a 2 day overlap with the current sub.  I wanted to find out how S had been doing in these 6 weeks, so I met with the sub last week.  She taught 2nd grade for YEARS.  I had heard mixed things on her.  But I have come away with such gratitude and amazement to the depth that she knows my daughter in those few weeks.  really amazing.  Our IEP Annual Review will likely be in April or May, but I figured I should know what has happened and where S is at.

MSV sat me down last week, and laid it all out.  She said she thought S was doing well.  She was progressing, definitely learning.  MSV changed S’s seat.  She was sitting at the front table, but facing the door.  She had to turn her body to see the blackboard or whatever was up on the screen from the overhead projector.  She changed it to the next table, facing the other way.  This way, things were always right there in front of her.  2nd, the school wired the room with a speaker in the back that connects to a microphone MSV wears around her neck.  Because she walks around a lot while she teaches, her voice may get softer to those that are further away.  This speaker allows everyone to hear her at a louder volume.  She said that it has really helped S, and other children.  The new projector that works like an overhead but is larger, puts the new math sheets right up on the screen.  It’s right there visually for S to learn from, and she doesn’t have to turn in her seat to see it.  She is sitting with one of the girls that started the bathroom incidents that led to further bullying.  But MSV said there has been no issue that she has seen in the classroom.  None have been spoken about at home.

MSV said S’s focus definitely wavers, but she tries really hard to focus back.  She also has to use the bathroom a lot, especially when they are doing something new.  Between the anxiety and the energy to refocus, S is left very tired at the end of the day.  She often complains a lot about being tired in the afternoon.  That part really didn’t surprise me, but it still broke my heart.  What must go through S’s head every day.  In school. out of school.  Her worry.  Her effort to always be focused and put a hold button on her distractability.  From our point of view, she has come so far.  Yet here we are, being told, that it’s all still very much there.  I know it has been.  But to hear it from someone else.  And the effects it has on S.  hearbreaking, nonetheless.

Overall, the concerns were put out there.  But we got some great feedback.  I was really happy with all the news.

So, now that they are all hitting a groove with this sub, the regular teacher is coming back.  I didn’t have too many issues with her before.  I liked her.  But I seem to think this new sub is an even better fit.  I’m not the only one.  A few other parents say the same thing.  So we look to another new transition starting next week.  Things should be interesting.  And I can only hope that school goes off without a hitch during this transition as it did the last.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve in Epcot.  What a day!  We got there nice and early, grabbed a stroller, and the morning was a blur.  Fast Passing this ride, hopping on that ride.  It was an amazing experience.  Fabulous.  Just cool things to see and do.  The kids were amazed.  They couldn’t really appreciate the cultural aspect of all the world things in Epcot, but they got to look around and see different things.  Didn’t hurt that Belle and Princess Aurora were in France, as well as Marie from the Aristocrats.  Mary Poppins and Alice in Wonderland in the UK.  Mulan in China.  Jasmine and Aladdin in Morocco. Snow White in Germany.  My husband got to pop a beer while waiting in some of those lines.  Tons to see.  Tons to do.  We had dinner in Morocco, where the belly dancer charmed M.  We sat right next to the dance floor.  Next thing we know, M is up there learning to dance with a couple of other young girls and the belly dancer.  PRICELESS!  She now would like to be a belly dancer when she grows up.  So many of the pictures she is drawing are of that belly dancer! LOL!

Christmas Day it was a beautiful sunny day.  Ended up being about 74 degrees that day! After the cold winter we have been having in NJ, it was a welcome change.  I didn’t care if it didn’t necessarily felt like Christmas because there wasn’t snow, or it wasn’t cold, or we didn’t have a tree.  It was still great.  We exchanged gifts with each other, and agreed to a poolside lunch.  Lunch was quick while the kids enjoyed the afternoon in the pool.  It was chilly coming out of the water, but the water was warm.  All 6 kids were in the water having fun.  Our 2 year old niece was happy exploring the outdoor grounds around the back.  Christmas dinner was yummy Korean food.  Followed by games in the game room, and then lots of games at the Community Hall.  Air hockey battles, ping pong battles, PS2 Madden NFL battles.  Lots of coloring at the coloring table.  It gave me my first chance to really talk to my sister-in-law in years.  We always chit chat in passing about this or that.  She finally learned of all the things we have gone through with S over the years.  Finally understood the magnitude of that weight of responsibility for me and my husband, for S, and even for M.  Her scare with her 2 year old this fall seems to changed some of her usual reservations with us.  It was a nice bonding weekend for us all.

The next day was cold and chilly.  Everyone took their time moving around the hotel.  Very slow!  We had our final dinner in Downtown Disney.  And hung out in one of the rooms late.

Leaving day was the first one where S did not shed a single tear leaving.  She is usually whiny and teary when we leave a “vacation”.  She gives us a hard time.  And this really was a vacation for them.  My middle brother left early in the morning, so she got to see them off.  My oldest brother left when we did.  My parents were leaving, too.  I think she seemed to understand no one was staying, and it made things a lot easier.  Of course, this crazy blizzard on the East Coast left us at the airport for many more hours than we should have been.  But the Orlando airport is so comfortable.   Tons of seating.  Lots of shopping.  Lots of space to run around.  The kids were having fun with their new christmas presents.  They didn’t mind.  We almost didn’t leave because our flight seemed destined to be canceled at the last minute.  Literally at the last minute, out of nowhere, we were told we were boarding.  And that we had 15 min to board and the doors would close.  If they didn’t close then, the plane was not allowed to leave.  You can imagine the mayhem since we were told 10 min before THAT, that we were likely not leaving since there was no crew.  Next available flights to Philadelphia would not be until Thursday or Friday!

M slept the entire ride.  S was busy with her games and doodles from her backpack.  We decided to sleep in Philly for the night since we got in late and didn’t know if we had to dig the car out.  Another hotel?  They were over the moon.  S kept exclaiming, at 11pm, “This is like ANOTHER vacation!”  I think that says it all.

When we finally made it home the next day, we had to dig our way through 27 in of snow.  not fun. and exhausting with everything else we had to do.

All in all, I can’t complain.  It was a wonderful holiday.  It was so amazing to see my family all there.  It was a great trip.  I remember how much S used to cry and go crazy waiting in lines.  And she did so this time like a champ.  I remember how the crowds were so overwhelming for both kids, and now, they lean in close, but they deal with it just fine.  They take things as they come a lot better.  My husband and I are also better with creating the better atmosphere for both of them.  We didn’t hurry them out of the hotel each morning.  We let them draw, and eat breakfast in the hotel room.  The idea of being somewhere with their cousins got them up and moving quickly.  That helped.  We recognized that we can’t always be on the go and on our agenda.  Even if something is for them and we think it will be fun, they have be up for it.  They don’t sleep enough when we are traveling, and we know enough now to schedule things earlier when they are better rested.  The end of the trip is no fun with them tired and cranky.

All in all, a great holiday.  Merry Christmas to all our families out there!

Happy new year!

I have not posted in so long! I’m so sorry.  And I have a chock full of stories to tell!

1st off.  Happy New Year everyone!!!  2010 had its mixes of ups and downs.  And the downs seemed to really snowball at the last 1/4 of the year!  So please 2011, be kind and fair!

S turned 7 in December.  2nd year in a row she was sick on her birthday.  We were stuck with everything after my last post.  The stomach bug went through the entire family in one fashion or another.  Twice to each child.  With the last bout, S had a fever and got a bad head cold.  M caught the head cold but no fever.  I got some of that head cold.  Believe it or not, January 2nd, the cough still lingers for both kids.  Doctor said not much we can do about it at this time.

Each birthday for both kids brings about such emotions for me.  I flash to when each were born, and the expectation I felt as a parent.  As a first time parent, so many hopes and thoughts about how life will be with this new baby.  How your family will be shaped.  And then she is born, and all of those things don’t exactly leave.  But change.  Because you realize you never had control of those hopes and dreams in the first place.  The child that was born came with her own personality, and that keeps growing and shaping as she gets older.  And the realization that motherhood is a shitload of work.  There I said it.  Yes.  it’s a lot of work!  So by the time M was born, I really didn’t have as many illusions.  I thought I knew what I was getting myself into round 2.  Only same genes, trying to raise her in a similar manner as S, and she is completely different.  From birth.  So I am kicked in the ass again.  But it’s all a good thing.  It’s an extremely humbling experience to be a parent.  From birth. the first. the second, the third or fourth if you have them.  And for the rest of the years of raising them, I’m still humbled.  Elated. Frustrated at times.  just kind of crazy.  But humbled.  Birthday to birthday, S is not the same child as the year before.  As much as things stay the same, she keeps changing, progressing.  It’s an incredible milestone for us to reflect each year.  Yes, she has endured some hardships, and things keep getting thrown our way.  But the anxiety keeps getting a little better.  She has more control of things that she didn’t before.  Her ability to deal with her frustrations keeps getting better.  She has a long way to go.  But it’s all moving.  And that’s an incredibly great thing.  I forget to pull my head out and take a look at that journey.  Her birthday is a good reminder for us all.

So Happy Birthday my sweet 7 year old!  With her gappy grin, as we wait for these teeth to come in, she’s losing that little kid cuteness.  But she still has a little something there.

Christmas came, and we headed to Florida to be with my family.  After 4 straight events with my husbands family (his grandmother’s birthday, Thanksgiving, his mother’s birthday, S’s birthday), I was ready for a little bit of distance.  My family isn’t a picnic either.  But it had been so long.  We have not  been a full family with all the kids present since M was 15 months old.  It’s been a very long time.  To be spending it in Disney..well, we had our mixed feelings.  Disney is so crowded at that time.  The lines, the waits, the restaurants, everything.  But it was the only time one of my brother’s could go.  So we all went.

The kids got some very key presents from Santa the night before we left.  Actually, they didn’t even know we were going!  LOL!  They found out from their teachers on the last day that they were going to Florida!  That night we told them Santa wanted to make sure that he got some of their gifts a little early to enjoy Christmas with our family.  The pillow pets came into action.  The excitement of traveling, with pillow pets, to see their cousins was contagious!

We made the drive to Philadelphia instead of Newark because the tickets were so much cheaper.  They were excited every leg of that trip.  The long drive.  Seeing the Philadelphia sky line.  Learning that this is the city where their parents met.  Where they went to school.  The bus from the parking lot to the airport.  The tram to the terminal.  Getting on the plane.  Everything.  They didn’t sleep a wink on that trip.  Walking through the Orlando airport, M started seeing lots of signs with Mickey Mouse on them.  She started asking me why Mickey was everywhere.  On the Disney Magic Express bus, the video was showing different sights at Disney World.  Then it clicked.  Both asked, “Are we going to Disney World?”  We stepped off the bus at our hotel to find my mother waiting at the curbside.  The excitement just kept coming.  The hotel all lit up in Holiday decorations was so exciting.  The edible huge gingerbread house with chocolates was amazing.  Would have loved a nibble if I could jump over the fence into it.  Didn’t want to cause a scene.  Stepping into the hotel room where the first set of cousins were already waiting.  They hadn’t seen them since Summer 2009.  But both kids remembered their older cousins.  We went to our room down the hall.  You would have thought this was their Christmas present.  They were in love with the hotel.

The next set of cousins came in after dinner.  They hadn’t seen these cousins since that time M was 15 months old.  They only saw pictures. None of the cousins had even met the youngest one who was just 2.  S and M were disappointed to have the night end and have to go to bed.  But everyone had an early day.  We were going to Epcot and meeting up with my sister-in-law and her older daughter.  Her son was going with my brother and his sons to Universal Studios.  My other brother was staying behind with the 2 year old.  My parents were going golfing.  It was Christmas Eve.

 

oh December

You know, after Thanksgiving, it always feels like such a flurry!  December rushes in, and suddenly, as if we weren’t busy enough, things get CRAZY!  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways, all lumped together.

December, of course, brings the holiday spirit.  The lights go up.  The tree goes up.  We start threatening bad behavior with the elf and santa.  And how easy is it to call or email or even text Santa now?  It’s exciting to make the lists, make cookies, gingerbread houses, put up the decorations and stockings, light the fireplace, and listen to carols.  Menorahs and candles are lit from several homes, too.  The holidays are in the air, and it’s a wonderful feeling.

December brings a lot of festivities, too.  Some of them last until very late.  This makes for very tired and cranky children the following days.  This leads to tired and cranky parents.  And together we make this beautiful, cranky family!

Throw in the fact that S’s birthday lands in the middle of the month.  Party planning, preparations, favors, everything.  It adds to everything.  And I love S’s birthday.  She’s such a happy, matter of fact little clam about it all.  I usually get away with not telling her that it’s her party day until the morning of.  This may not work anymore, though.  But it’s always something to see how excited she gets by it all.  Of course, this usually brings on a happy yet somber M.  She is quite happy her sister gets her birthday.  Yet, she wishes she has presents and a party, too.  And poor M has to wait 3 long months before her time comes.

With all the added excitement comes the drama of relationships.  As we tense up from being overtired or maxed out on emotions, so come the bickering, the unpleasant sniping, the nitpicking, the digging in the heels.  All those wonderful emotions that come in relationships and marriage.  As they say, ’tis the season!

So as December rolls in, it’s time to smile.  Take lots of deep breaths!  Think…this is the giving season.  This is the time to be generous.  This is not the time to yell and fight.  This is the time to bring ourselves closer together.  Sometimes just doing a tiny bit of yielding opens the door to so many more warm possibilities.  Being tight and stubborn and snippy seems to lead to more disconnect.

Hug your loved ones.  Remember to breathe in the sweetness.  And pray, that we make it through the rest of the month without going crazy on each other!  Happy Holidays!!!

school meeting, follow up day #3

We’ve been so busy these last couple of days, and I was really just exhausted by Friday to give any updates on our most recent situation.

So Friday was another crazy day.  I woke up actually feeling a little better than I had the day before.  We had a plan, and there was nothing for me to do but get through my morning.  We had our usual morning routine of getting dressed and ready for school, eating breakfast and heading out.  S went on her happy way, and I went back home.  I got myself ready and took M to gymnastics.  S had her parent visitation at school, so I left and a friend was going to take M with her.

Visitation was such a great thing to watch.  The kids were on the rug, having a discussion about the Revision process in their writing.  Everything the teacher was doing reminded me of the stages of Writer’s Workshop when I taught it…now 7 years ago.  sigh.

But it was great.  I got to sit with S and go through her story.  7 pages long.  It was a wonderful story about visiting her grandma and grandpa’s house.  Not all of it is sequential or makes sense, but it was pleasing, nonetheless.  She was so proud.  She smiled at me when I walked in.  She kissed me when I left.  She asked me what to do if she missed me.  I told her to smile because I was thinking about her.  She waved and that was that.  I didn’t look around for the kids that had bothered her, or the parents.  I just focused on my own child and left.

After taking M to school, time went by quickly.  And then we were rushing off to school to meet with the principal and the teacher.

We were left waiting outside of the office for about 10 min.  But my husband and I were keeping things light and making each other chuckle about silly things that didn’t matter.  It helped ease anxiety and tension before going in.  We had our note of our priorities, things we wanted to know before we left.  We had a gameplan.

The principal started with for the sake of time, what did we want to know or cover so she could be sure all that was discussed.  It led us perfectly into our agenda, which she wrote down as we went through.  To her credit, she really did go through all of our points.  We were told by the teacher that the 2 girls involved with the bathroom incidents were both spoken to and parents were called.  We were a little surprised.  Also, the bathroom stall lock was replaced that Friday.  Again.  Surprised.  Facility work orders tend to take time.  This took 2 days.  hmmmm…  The teacher thought I had meant that there was 1 bathroom incident with 2 girls involved.  When I clarified that it was 2 incidents, a few days apart, with 1 girl for each, somehow made things even more serious.  And they began to understand even further our concern.  Regardless, this issue was tackled. And right away.

The lunchroom one was a little more complicated.  The aides were apparently right there to stop it.  But there is discrepancy with who said what, how it began, who were truly the culprits.  1 boy in S’s class and 1 girl in another class were originally called out.  S said it was the girl and another boy in that girl’s class.  Apparently that boy and the boy in S’s class are cousins.  Apparently that boy and the girl are in my neighborhood.  We don’t know them.  The girl told her teacher, who was doing some legwork interrogation, that she didn’t say anything.  She just watched.  My husband called them on it, though.  How can the aides be right there to step in, yet are unsure of who was involved?  But the principal clearly said, “I absolutely agree!  Isn’t that a problem!”  In reality, I’m sure the aides weren’t right there.  That’s why they are so unsure.  And because the stories are unclear, no action can be taken.  Parents aren’t called, etc.   oh, and by the way, it was 2 inches of underwear that was shown.  Nothing more.  Our response?  That’s 2 inches too many.   But everyone is now on notice.  Those aides now know they need to be hawks.  All the teachers are aware.

The principal brought back on us things that we could be working on with S to empower her.  And to work on certain unconscious behaviors that may make her stand out.  Certainly for S to have a strong voice to say, NO, or STOP.  I’ve certainly heard it, but I guess they have not!  To talk to S about privacy and what we keep covered and private.   I have seen S do this at home, but it’s a lot less.  She sometimes, very unconsciously rests her hands on the inside seam of the waist of her pants.  I see her do it on the back.  And when we read in bed, she does it in the front.  Nothing is moving.  She almost looks like she is resting her hands in a pocket or just keeping her hands warm.  But that does draw attention from others.  So we work on “quiet” hands where we can see them.  I told them that for me, at this current time, given that these 3 things have occurred in a weeks time, I didn’t feel that S was emotionally safe at school.  Regardless if she is aware or not, I am worried about her for the 6-7 hours she is in school, wondering if something else happened that day or not.  Wondering if she would be able to tell me.  I didn’t think that was something I could do, nor should do.  The lunchroom situation was definitely not a protective environment for S.  They seemed to respond to that.

She gave possibilities for lunchtime and recess supervision.  Apparently there is a quiet lunch where a small group of children eat together.  It used to be run by a social worker who would work on social skills.  That person is no longer there.  But some other aides run it, and run it the same way.  Currently, most of the kids are older.  I’m not sure that S would go for that unless some kids she knew and her age were going.  She likes being part of the main group, doing whatever everyone else is doing.  Leaving the room for speech and OT, she goes with kids in her class.  If she had to by herself, I guarantee she would protest.  I’d personally like to see some more eyes in that lunchroom and recess.  We’ll have to see about that.

I figured I will also start buying S longer shirts in hopes that her underwear is less likely to show when she is sitting down at lunch or on the rug.  To avoid extra attention.  All things I don’t think are her fault at all.  But we will do what we can do keep her covered!

My husband wanted to know about what was appropriate, what is not.  the consequences.  She said clearly what the girls did to S in the bathroom was not.  She said it was plain “mean”.  I actually appreciated that.  Sometimes we are careful of the words we choose to use so that it protects all the parties.  This one, well, I’ll take it.  The lunchroom was absolutely not appropriate.  They have never seen this happen before, especially at this young age.  She assured us that she was absolutely not taking it lightly.  She started to say when kids physically may look different or do things that make them look different, others notice.  And they want to really teach tolerance and make sure everyone is treated equally and respectfully, inspite of their difference.  My husband and I weren’t quite sure if she meant our race, being in such a minority, or something like S occasionally resting her hands in her waistline.  I mean, where did that one come from and where was she going with it.  But she continued on.

All these kids were first timers.  If anything like it happens again, the principal will either send them home, or they will serve an in-school suspension, spending the day in the office.  She went through a slew of possibilities.  It made us feel better in the sense that she was clear of the consequences to the children.

Overall, my husband turned to me at the end and asked how I felt about it.  1 to 5, 5 being the most helpful.  I said between a 3 and a 4.  He felt the same way.  That made me feel better.  We were on the same page.  We got out of it what we had hoped.  Not everything.  But she managed our agenda well.  I don’t think she was just handling us either.  We will see where this leads us.

Thanks to everyone who has been following this and given advice and feedback.  It’s been amazing to feel the support.  Thank you.

follow up day #2

So I didn’t get much sleep last night with my mind sort of playing through the days events.  I went through a wave of emotions:  anger, heartbreak, depression, sad, disgusted, fear.  And then I pulled it together to ask, what do we do from here?  What positives can I take from these incidents?

Today, I spent the day gathering all the information I could from others and giving information to others.

I didn’t hear from the principal’s office about a meeting.  So at 11am, when I got home, I made another call.  I don’t want to harass anyone, but I’m not going away.  I left a message with the secretary, who wanted to know which child I was calling about, if it was a classroom or bus issue, and what the problem was.  I could give some of that info, but you better believe I’m not going to go into it in a message over the phone!  Then she said sweetly that she would give my information to the principal, and they would get back to me.  At the time, I wondered why she couldn’t just open up the outlook calendar and find a time to meet.  I really want my husband to go in with me on this.  He has been working from home all week, and this would be the perfect week for it.  The only drawback is that he has a horrible black eye from a fall he took last week.  I’m not sure how that looks going into a school meeting with a black eye.  Not the look I was thinking for us.

Talking with a friend of mine, she asked me about S’s social worker/case manager.  Maybe we should involved her.  Our s.w. this year is the same as S’s preschool one.  She’s a nice woman.  Absolutely useless.  Not helpful in the least.  Nothing gets done.  She’s terrible about responding back to you.  Over the course of 6 weeks in late Sept through Oct, I left her 3 emails, 2 voice messages.  Nothing.  And finally she answered the last one where I said PLEASE CONFIRM receipt. and flagged it with the read notifier.  She said she never received any of those messages.  ANYWAY, I called her and went to meet her.  At the very least, I needed to put it on record and have this be part of S’s file.  Our s.w. was very receptive to our story, took it all down, and started brainstorming possible plans.  She said first and foremost, she was going to call my principal.  She should have gotten called about S from the school and was disturbed that my coming in was the first she heard.  I asked the s.w. if maybe the principal didn’t learn from it yet.  S’s s.w. responded, “No, those kids should not have gotten a time out.  They should have gone to the office and the parents should have been called.  Even if that didn’t happen yesterday, the teachers should have notified the principal, and I should have been called.”  I kind of liked it.  I felt supported somehow.  She started outlining sensitivity seminars to be scheduled for the class and teachers, anti-bullying skits, etc.  Helpful, but I think the whole grade could benefit from it at this point!  She said she would get back to me.

I made an appt to talk to S’s speech therapist (SLP), Step.  And what a wonderful fountain of support and information she is.  She started with things and strategies to help S.  Even how I have playdates with her, she came up with some suggestions to help S bond with her classmates.  Step gave helpful advice on dealing with the school and what we need to be looking for.  She thought that S needed extra support during lunch/recess when things are not as structured.  S is not in a protective environment.  She has social challenges and needs support verbally and emotionally to help navigate her through those times.  I thought it was a wonderful way to describe it to someone else.  Then she asked me if I was comfortable calling the parents of the kids that have been involved with S.  Hmmmm…..Even putting it in a way that would be asking the parent for help, and saying it all constructively…hmmmmm…..Can I call someone I’ve met once or don’t know and try to have this conversation?  Awkward, no?  Is it in S’s best interest for me to do that?  Step said the parents may be very receptive or not.  This one, I was unsure about doing.  My husband and I went back and forth on this one.  In fact, in his loving, analytical way, he drew me a diagram on the pros and cons of both sides to it.

S went on a wonderful playdate with a friend of hers from Kindergarten.  The mom knew what we were dealing with.  Actually the 2 kids from the other class are in her daughter’s class.  So she asked me yesterday if she could take S afterschool.  S was so excited.  And they live next to the park, and spent the afternoon eating leftover Halloween candy and playing in the park.  This freed up our afternoon to begin to unravel from the hurricane of emotions that have hit here.

After I picked S up, the principal called me at home.  She had gotten the message from S’s s.w. and wanted me to understand that it was not being taken lightly.  She wanted more details of our story and account.  She talked to the aide that stepped in yesterday at the cafeteria as well as talking to S’s teacher about the bathroom incidents.  She retraced the steps that each took and who they talked to.  She plans to talk to the 2 kids’ teacher tomorrow and have the teacher talk to those kids.  We are meeting tomorrow, with my husband and S’s teacher. all together.  She sounds like she is gathering all her information she needs for our meeting tomorrow.  But she also told me that the best way to come tomorrow is calm and with a collective head.  I’m sorry.  Was I hysterical or yelling or crying or did I raise my voice?  I swear that I didn’t do any of those things.  A very condescending tone.  Anyway, I pushed past that.  We will see what we see tomorrow.

I have to go into school in the morning because it is parent visitation day at the school.  I kind of am excited to go see what they do.  But I wish some time had passed since all this happened.  To go in, and see the kids that started this, and see them with their parents, doesn’t sit well.  I have to put on my smile and be polite.  I can, but it’s not easy while my own emotions are still raw.  We’ll go.

I’m heartbroken overall.  And I don’t think that I can really allow myself those emotions right now because I have to be strong and step forward to be my daughter’s advocate.  I already find myself not wanting to be as social with others here because it’s on my mind, but I don’t want to talk about it too much with people I see all the time.  I’m on the verge of crying with the few people that I talk to.  But I don’t want these feelings.  I know even if they don’t know exactly, the kids can sense I’m tense.  They see the amount of calls and long talks I’m having.  I’m so serious all of a sudden all of the time.  We’ve all been stripped of our innocence a little here.  But none of this is about me or my husband.  It’s about S.  It’s about making sure she’s growing, and learning, and thriving, and making friends, and being safe.  Physically.  Emotionally.  I pray that my happy girl remains a happy girl and we get through this and deal with this effectively.  Will let you know what happens next!

communication woes

So, I posted last week about the S’s resource teacher.  That drama continues.  2 emails and a letter hand delivered to the office, and nothing.  That is until yesterday.  I got a note home from S’s teacher that the resource teacher was going to call me the next day during her lunch hour.  Apparently her district email still is not working.  They had a meeting the two of them yesterday and was told she would call me today.

That’s still a week that you have my letter, and she chose still not to communicate.  She doesn’t have a home email address? really?  It’s not that it’s impossible.  Of course it is.  Not everyone is up to speed.  But I don’t see how you can not have an email address in this day and age, especially if you are working.  And if the district one is not working, wouldn’t she think to contact me via her home email address just to let me know that she got my note after I wrote that I tried to email her twice?  fishy fishy.  But she had to have her meeting FIRST with the general ed teacher.  hmmm….

Bottom line, she didn’t call today.  Probably something came up.  But this things drags on.

4 emails and 3 phone messages later, the case manager has FINALLY acknowledged me.  Apologizing that she never got any of my messages when I sent her yet another email, and asked her to confirm that she got it.  Really?  You didn’t get 7 messages from me over the course of 6 weeks? not a one?  that one I’m very skeptical on.  She said she would be more than happy to meet with me if I gave her times when I’m available.  I said EVERYDAY this week and next 12:30-2:30pm.  still waiting to hear back from her.

The OT finally got back to me.  Actually no, I called the number she left me in a note that said, “For any concerns or questions, please feel free to call me.  I’m available M-F during school hours at this number.”

I had assumed it was a school number.  When I looked at it last week, I realized it wasn’t.   Probably a cell phone number.  I thought it would go to voicemail.  So I called at around 10am.  She answered.  I introduced myself, and she said, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to call you.”  sure you have.  but she snapped at me.  ”I’m TEACHING.  I can’t talk when I’m teaching.”  Oh.  well, didn’t this just get my blood flowing.  You’d be proud.  I was very cool and polite.  ”Oh, I’m sorry.  I actually didn’t think you would answer.  I expected to leave a message on your voicemail.  I was just following the instructions about days and times to call in your letter to me.”  She said she would call back.

Well, SHE apologized when she called back a few hours later, but that she can’t take personal calls when she is teaching.  my response?  ”I understand completely.  But I’m not a personal call, mine was professional.  But you must have thought it was personal.  But that’s not really any of my business.  Moving right along…”  Yes, I was a little bitchy but polite…sort of.  I don’t take well to doing what you tell me to do, and getting reprimanded for it.  I don’t take to being belittled or chided for following the directions.  She went back to I was teaching.  So I interrupted her.  ”Yes.  You were.  This is when you said you were available.  I thought it strange, but again, I thought I was going to leave you a voice message.  You didn’t have to answer your phone.  That part is not my responsibility.  Can we please talk about S now that we’ve cleared up the phone status?”

I was trying to get her to FOCUS.  but she kept beating this horse.  I had enough.  She finally got the message.  And you know what?  The rest of the conversation went just fine, and we were able to make some modifications for other things that S needed.

I shake my head at the system.  I shake my head for the level of professionalism for some people.  How do you get away with that?