is it the beginning? or middle? and where do we go from here?

I’m feeling a bit heavy-hearted this evening.  At first I couldn’t figure out why this, what I’m about to share, bothers me as much as it does today.  But I realize it’s been building.  Today was just additional, but weights on me now.

S was out sick for 1/2 of last week and the Friday the week before.  A couple of weeks ago, she came home to tell me that the water bottle that I put in her bag everyday for snack wasn’t there.  Hmmm….I was pretty sure about remembering to put it in there, but maybe I forgot?  maybe.  It isn’t likely, but it could be possible.  A few days after that she told me a girl in her classroom had her water bottle.  S wasn’t upset by it.  She didn’t say that this girl took it from her or her bag.  But she said she had it.  My daughter drinks out of a small poland spring water bottle.  I figure, that girl must have had the same one.  Then, Thursday I labeled the bottle with S’s name on it, in red Sharpie.  She came home and said there was no water.  I wrote a note to the teacher, asking about snack procedure, where it’s kept during the day, etc.  Maybe someone was just taking the wrong bottle.  Or maybe it was rolling out of her bag.  Friday, I peeled the label off the bottle.  I wrote S’s name on it 3 times, and used the label maker to put 3 more tabs on it.  There was no mistaking this was hers.  I pick her up, and she tells me there was no water again.

I ran up and caught her teacher before she disappeared back in the bottle and asked about it.  She had no idea how that happened.  Apparently, 1/2 the class takes the snack out of their backpack and put it on a shelf.  Since S’s snack is always there, and not her water, I find that a little strange.  Her teacher told me to tell S to keep her snack in her backpack for now while she does some digging around.  She was taken back how anyone can have this highly decorated and labeled bottle.  She did say that they were having an issue with a few things disappearing, but she never saw any water bottles anywhere.  She was definitely going to keep an eye on it, and wanted me to keep her updated.

Could someone be taking my kids water bottle and it not be a mistake?  Could someone purposely be hiding it?  Or even throwing it out?  Because why would you take home a bottle that so says S’s name on it?  At first, I was thinking just an accident, or it rolled out or whatever.  Now I’m wondering if they are doing this with intent.  I’m sorry….what the hell????

Luckily enough, S, doesn’t seem bothered.  But again, what the hell?  Especially coming off a really bad cough/cold, I wanted her to be able to drink the water whenever she needed to get to it.  But really?????

This bothered me through Friday and Saturday.  The more I thought about it, the more of a bullying, but sneaky dealing, thought was underway.  By this morning, I had let it go, mostly.

I took M to a birthday party of a friend today.  She was very excited to go.  She really likes this girl.  They were in school 2 years ago, and while they were very good friends, the other girl could get really nasty to M.  Very bossy.  With M at a different school last year, I did hear through other friends that this girl pit a lot of other girls against one another.  A lot of, don’t play with her, don’t be friends with her, etc kind of crap.  I know these are girls.  I know we will have many years of this.  But it is exactly that.  CRAP.  These kids were 4, 5, and now 6 year olds.  I actually did not want these 2 to be together for Kindergarten.  I wrote notes and everything.  Not that they have a bad relationship.  They are good friends.  But I knew there was potential of this, and we live in the same neighborhood.  I just didn’t want it all right here so close.  Still, they got in the same class.  SHIT!!!

I thought it was going okay.  Nothing too much going on.  Recently, I started seeing a few things go on on the blacktop afterschool.  I don’t want you to play this, etc.  I was teaching M to say, “Well, you aren’t the boss.  I’d like to play.  We are all friends.”  I even tried the “You can’t say you can’t play” route.

M had a great time with all her friends at this party.  so much fun.  Eating cake, I kept seeing her frown.  I thought she was having problems with her juice box.  I waved her over to me.  She told me that the bday girl, and another good friend told her they weren’t her friends.  And that they were telling lies about her.  I told her to go back and tell them what they said was not nice, and that she didn’t like it.  She did.  The other friend heard her, and turned her back to M.  But I saw her watching me the whole time M was talking to me.  The bday girl was in conversation elsewhere.  She tried again with her friend, and that friend got up and hid behind her mom who was standing 2 people away from me.  Mom didn’t know, although the woman between us heard.  We went to get our shoes on, and M sat next to her good friend, who got up and went to sit next to her mom again.  I shook my head.  I didn’t take this one to be like that.  But who’s judging?

On our way out, I told M to wish the bday girl a happy birthday and thank her for the invite.  Do you know what she said?
“Happy birthday.  Thanks for inviting me to your party.  I had so much fun.  By the way, I didn’t like it when you were telling lies about me, and then said you weren’t my friend.  That wasn’t nice. and I didn’t like it.  I thought we were good friends.”  Bday girl looks up at me.  What was I supposed to do?  I just sort of shrugged.  I wasn’t expecting that speech.  Birthday girl says, “I”m sorry.  I was teasing both of you, but the other girl thought it was funny.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.  Sorry.  We are still friends.”

Now, I know this girl.  If I hadn’t been standing there, I don’t think that apology would have rolled right off her tongue.

This is disturbing to me.  Both scenarios.  The water bottle.  That’s just sneaky and wrong.  The birthday party…that’s very girl behavior and we are going to have a lot of that going on.  I just feel so discouraged by it tonight.  I know it’s out there.  It’s not the first time.  Won’t be the last time.  I’m not saying either of my kids are perfect and don’t measure in this equation.  In M’s case, she absolutely could.  They said they weren’t her friends after she tried to correct them.  When they kept insisting that she did something, she got mad and called them liars.  and not just any kind of liars.  the big fat kind.  Thus came the, we aren’t your friends comment.  I let M know what she was responsible for.  I want them both to know the things that they can do to ward off these types of outcomes.  But they are still young.  It’s going to happen.  I hate it.  I hate it for my girls.  I would hate it if it were my girls that did that to someone else.  I hate that kids can be so mean and are like that.  And I hate that parents aren’t accountable for their children, either.  Parent involvement is tricky.  And most of the time, I don’t like to deal with that.  But you aren’t going to be accountable for your own kid and their mistreating others?  You are just going to look the other way, or think…not my kid?  I don’t get that.  I hate to judge. I really do.   But this road…..I don’t like it.  One of the few I’d rather not see what lies ahead.

perceptions

It’s always amazed me that 2 people can go through the exact same event together and come out with 2 totally different versions of what they happened.   That’s as adults.  So it goes to show you how different each of us are even in the same situation.  So how do we resolve conflicts when our point of view is so vastly far apart?  And how do we get children, who are still developing social skills and awareness and tact (!!!) to solve their issues?

S came home from school last week in tears.  I find that as she gets used to the school days again, Wednesday and Thursday are the most tiring.  She is so spent by then.  Friday she can usually get through because most of the teachers are just trying to fly through that last day before the weekend.  Swim team this summer was the same thing.  Wednesday, Thursday, S would peter out.  S comes saying she was upset today.  Stupid me, first comment I make is, “Where is your sweatshirt?”  New tears emerge.  ”I left it in the classroom.”  So I tell her to go ask her teacher if we can run back and get it.  S does, and as she turns back to me, I see more tears as her teacher shakes her head apologetically at me.  Honestly, no big deal.  It’s not Friday.  We can just get it the next day.  The fit S threw on the way to the car.  If she grew horns on her head, I wouldn’t have been surprised.  She was over the top.

When we got into the car, and S was calming down, I started to ask some questions about school.  S told me that she sat all by herself at lunch.  No one wanted to sit with her.  There was no one on the right or left, no one across from her or from the seat on the right or left.  Some more digging.  I found out S sits in EXACTLY the same seat everyday.  She doesn’t go look for where her buddies are sitting.  She goes to the seat.  And it happened to be a day with less kids in school.  So all the seats were not filled.  I asked her if people said, no I don’t want to sit next to you, or don’t sit next to S.  And she said no.  No one said anything.  I asked her if she asked anybody to come sit with her, she said no.  So you have a situation where she has to sit in the same spot, there are less seats to fill, and the kids slid down towards the other end.  ok.

A couple of things.  If I am in a lunch room as an aide, sure I am busy.  But if I see a kid sitting all by herself at the end, upset or happy, I would like to think I would make an effort to ask her if she wants to sit down with her friends or encourage her to join the others.  I would like to think I would make some kind of gesture to ensure that nothing was going on in the first place that would isolate that child.

Secondly, you have my kid who made this situation with needing to sit in the same seat.  If she felt lonely, she could just move her stuff down and join her class a few seats down.  But she doesn’t.  Her rigidity of needing that structure has paralyzed her in this situation.  Plus it shows her lack of initiative when it comes to social situations.  She takes herself out of the equation before it begins and keeps it that way.  However, now she has gotten the perception that they don’t WANT to sit next to her, when that may or may not be the case.

Thirdly, you have kids who may or may not notice S sitting by herself.  And they leave it at that.

I don’t blame the other kids for anything.  Most times for lunch, you just want to sit down and eat and chat with your buddies.  You aren’t looking around for who’s left out or anything.

I feel bad for my daughter.  I encourage just the opposite.  I encourage new things, sitting in new places, changing up routines so she doesn’t get stuck.  This is out of my “jurisdiction”  because I’m not there.  I encourage her to join people.  Sometimes she does, sometimes she is intimidated by the bonds that others have with other friends.  She feels shy and not ready to join in.  She always wants to be social, but doesn’t seem to know how.

I could ramble on a million different things about perception.  But this example seemed so clear.

So again, with these different perceptions, and frozen capabilities, how does this start getting solved?

 

team sports competition

Last week began the fall soccer season and ALL after school activities.  It is the end of the weekend, and I am absolutely exhausted from all the shuffling around.  Looking around, listening to others, watching my kids, I have to wonder sometimes if this is all worth it.

First of all, I personally can be competitive when I am playing in a sport or just playing my husband at a Wii game.  There.  I fully admit it.  As a parent, while I would like to see my kids and their team play well, I don’t keep track of scores or who won, etc.  To me, it’s not about me or how I feel about competition.  It’s about the kids.  It could be also that all my kids add to the team sometimes is a lot of cheerful team spirit.  By the way, I think that’s pretty important as well.  I like to see effort, personal improvement, and team comraderie.

Depending on the sport and child, we get different results on different days.  We had soccer start last week.  S’s game got canceled with all the rain last week.  M’s game was still on.  S’s games are going to be on a full field now, with a full size goal.  They went from playing 4 on 4 without a goalie on a small field with a little goal to 6 on 6 with a goalie on a huge field.  This past game was exciting to watch.  There was so much more going on.  S even tried to be the goalie.  Clearly spacing out and not really sure what was expected of her, she watched without moving a muscle, the ball slowly roll into the net.  The next 2 she saved pretty well.  M definitely got in there a lot more.  Every year both girls get a little bit more into it, get ever slightly more aggressive.  By that I mean, they run a little more, and just maybe make some contact.  Yesterday, M scored 3 goals.

I always thought that maybe they, especially S, would do better with a sport that was more on an individual pace.  Tennis, swim, golf.  Their score would be part of a bigger team, but it would be the individual effort.  As much as I love the concept of a team sport, I just thought it fit S better to do the individual.  But after the summer, I began to change my mind.

With swim, S’s coach only cared about the individual improvements of each child.  She didn’t care if the team won or lost.  I loved that about her.  But she also took chances.  She swam people in events they didn’t really know, for the experience.  S went into a medley relay.  People sometimes would wonder about S if she spaced out in an event.  But I thought nothing of it.  It was just her and her place and time.  But in a relay, where you are swimming with 3 other people…they were relying on her.  It made no sense to me.  That morning, she swam her freestyle and backstroke and it was strong.  She went into the relay, and there was huge HUGE confusion right before it.  They threw her in the pool at the last minute and she was off.  She stopped swimming and sank underwater for a couple of seconds.  Then she would stop and turn to see the wall every few strokes.  Clear disqualification.  The middle school kids behind me were yelling all kinds of questions and obscenities.  I could only imagine what parents were thinking.  My friend was one of the timers, and I later found out parents were going OFF about S.  She had to be disqualified.  What did she think she was doing?  Why was she in this event?

I realized when whatever S does, it somehow affects the team.  Sometimes more than other times, but it’s still there.  In soccer, as a team sport, how she plays or doesn’t play, affects the team’s game.  She plays harder than she has ever done so in the past, but compared to the skill and intensity of her teammates, it pales.  She has wonderful coaches that pat her on the back for all the little or big things she does.  The parents around us have been wonderful over the past 2 years.  But I have always wondered if they think she is deadweight to the team.

It started to feel that way with swim.  S is not competitive by nature.  She just goes however she goes.  Somedays it is with a spark, and somedays it’s not.  And for my husband and myself, we really have been and will continue to be what she puts into it and what she is getting out of it.  And our goals are far different from that of other parents.  We like that she is around other kids/females her age.  We like that she is apart of a team, and to start understanding what that means.  We like that she continues to move out of her comfort zone and tries these new things.  She continues to show so much growth in these aspects.  But other more competitive parents really don’t care where we are coming from.  They are looking at their end winning result.

I wondering where that leaves us as they get older and the separation becomes even starker.

summer trips

What’s a summer without a little bit of travel?  It doesn’t have to be far trips or overnights.  But it does need to be a chance to do something different from the day to day.  Just about anything can be an adventure.  A trip to a museum, a new park, the beach, the boardwalk, a waterpark, a new pool.   Or you can hop on a plane or train or car and really go places.  It’s up to you.

I sat through a lecture a long time ago, and the details of the whole speech and who gave it are lost to me.  But there was one very important point he made, and I never forgot it.  Kids need different experiences to build upon.  Each of those experiences opens the child up to new discovery and feelings.  That’s how a child grows.  A child who only does the same things and doesn’t have outside experiences will not have a worldly growth and appreciation for new or adventure.  On one hand, I can’t say that would be a universal statement.  However, for the most part, I do think it’s true for many to a degree.

My cousin got married in June in NYC.  We decided to get a hotel room for a night so we didn’t have to trek back to NJ in the middle of the night.  If you have ever been to NYC, you’ll know that everything is small, tight, and crowded.   Our hotel room was no different.  But the girls were ecstatic.  They have been in the city many times, but not likes this.  They enjoyed just walking around, seeing the lights.  I took M on the subway to a place on the Upper West side to get her hair done for the wedding  (she was the flower girl).  We caught a cab on the way back.  These are all normal things people in NYC do.  But to them, what an experience!  I liked seeing this side of them.

The hotel stay used to freak S out a little bit, even if she was excited.  Travel, in general, while she has been good, is sometimes difficult.  She liked her own things.  She was uncomfortable in new rooms.  There were always tears.  Sometimes when we left our house.  Almost always when we had to leave to come back home.  Now, she loves hotels.  I’ve learned we have to bring a couple of familiar things, and a night light certainly helps.  We are all able to stay in one room for an overnight without waking each other up every hour.  That helps, too.

We went to my parents home in Syracuse for the 4th of July.  Both girls always have fun there.  This year, we also went to a friend’s lake house on the finger lakes.  It was a huge party.  Tons of people, tons of kids, swimming, a bounce house, dinner, fireworks, everything.  It was interesting to see S and M mix it up with the kids of people I grew up with.  Some clicked, some didn’t.  But they both tried.  Most of these kids already knew each other from school or being family or friends.  But they all accepted my 2.  M definitely put herself in the groove more than S, but S tried, too.  She certainly participated in everything.  S has acclimated to the room she sleeps in at my parents home.  She looks forward to sleeping there, and we rarely see tears at bedtime or morning.

In August, my husband had to be in Toronto for a few days for work.  He has been talking for a year now about having the family go up when he has to work and see Toronto.  He couldn’t say enough things about it.  It happened to work out that he had to go up on a Wednesday and would be done by Friday.  So I flew up with the girls on Friday to meet him.   We stayed until Sunday.  The girls had the time of their lives.

Toronto is a very family friendly city.  There is so much to do there, so much to explore.  We definitely wore them out.  There was no question they were exhausted.  Yet, in a packed weekend, they experienced so much.  The weather was great, so walking around the city, finding restaurants to eat at, walking the underground malls, swimming at the hotel pool, it was so easy.  We took a day to take the ferry to the Toronto Islands, and spent the afternoon playing there.  At dinner time, we took the ferry back, and walked to the CN Tower.  A huge needle point tower.  At the top was a restaurant that rotated for a circular view-  the 360.  A great and expensive dinner.   Dinner included a special express line to the elevators.  The regular line was about 60-90 min long.  Then after dinner we could go to the observation deck 1 floor below.  Lots of views, including the glass bottom floor.  SCARY for my husband and I.  Dizzying even.  Not so much for the kids.  They were lying down on their bellies with the faces to the glass.  I know that’s not really sanitary and totally disgusting, but we were fighting off the dizzy spells.  We’ll let the kids do whatever while we get our bearings.  An express ride down the elevator led straight to the gift shop-also very family friendly, but not at family friendly costs.

A ride on the subway led us to Toronto’s Korea town for dinner on our last night.  After eating pizza and pasta and sandwiches, Korean food was a welcome treat for us all.  In the corner of the room was a big screen TV, playing Korea’s top 20 pop music performances.  In a language they are far from fluent in, M and S were mesmorized.  We were asked to download some of those songs when we got home.  Funny.  We took the light rail back, and headed to the airport.  The kids say that was their best hotel stay ever.  And love their pink CN Tower shirts and caps.

We spent a week at Bethany Beach, DE with a couple of families.  My kids love the beach, and are well accustomed to spending many hours out there.  I wasn’t worried about them loving it.  But sharing a house with friends is always something we look forward to, but worry a little about to.  I never know how my kids will react sharing rooms, toys, etc.  They were very comfortable with these kids, so I worried less.  Honestly, couldn’t have asked them to do any better.  The kids got along amazingly.  A couple of little tiffs, but really, in the span of the week. nothing.  S and M shared a room, with S on a top bunk.  I always wondered how she would be up there, especially when she sleep walks.  S loved it, and M enjoyed being on the bottom bunk.  They made it work well for themselves.  And both knew without us saying not to come and wake us up until 7am!

Finally, we spent a day in NYC with a friend that just moved in.  We parked in Jersey City, and took the ferry across the Hudson River to Battery Park.  The girls were so excited about these transportation excursions.  They played in a playground, and rode their razors around lower Manhattan.  My husband got out of work early, and he walked out to meet us.  It was a pleasant day, they were riding with friends, and they got a little taste of city life before we went back to suburban life at night.

I feel like we gave the girls a good fill this year of a lot of different kinds of experiences, and I would like to think they got a lot out of each of them.  If I opened any doors in their minds, and gave them a little bit of newness (is that a word?), then I feel we more than did our part this summer in creating a little more flexibility, even if for just a little while.

more meetings

I’m so sorry it has been soooooo incredibly long.  It has been an insane month and a half.  Nothing overwhelming and specific.  Just life, I guess.  That and I picked up a new hobby a month back that literally took every bit of free time.  I got back into knitting at the request of my little M.  And in order to get everything done in a timely fashion, before winter was over, I knitted in the car while I was waiting for them at pick up, at home if I was watching a show at night, in the waiting rooms at speech and OT.  I wasn’t knitting huge things, but they were still projects to me.  Scarves, and blankets for m’s dolls.

Then the winter was so long and cold and snowy.  I didn’t want to spend all my posts bitching about the weather.  And you know I would have had to sneak it in there every time!

So, here we are.  March!  And I pray that spring comes soon. And with the warmer, sunnier weather, comes more progress and good news.

We just got an announcement that S’s teacher, who has been on maternity leave since MLK, Jr. weekend, is due to come back next week.  She will have a 2 day overlap with the current sub.  I wanted to find out how S had been doing in these 6 weeks, so I met with the sub last week.  She taught 2nd grade for YEARS.  I had heard mixed things on her.  But I have come away with such gratitude and amazement to the depth that she knows my daughter in those few weeks.  really amazing.  Our IEP Annual Review will likely be in April or May, but I figured I should know what has happened and where S is at.

MSV sat me down last week, and laid it all out.  She said she thought S was doing well.  She was progressing, definitely learning.  MSV changed S’s seat.  She was sitting at the front table, but facing the door.  She had to turn her body to see the blackboard or whatever was up on the screen from the overhead projector.  She changed it to the next table, facing the other way.  This way, things were always right there in front of her.  2nd, the school wired the room with a speaker in the back that connects to a microphone MSV wears around her neck.  Because she walks around a lot while she teaches, her voice may get softer to those that are further away.  This speaker allows everyone to hear her at a louder volume.  She said that it has really helped S, and other children.  The new projector that works like an overhead but is larger, puts the new math sheets right up on the screen.  It’s right there visually for S to learn from, and she doesn’t have to turn in her seat to see it.  She is sitting with one of the girls that started the bathroom incidents that led to further bullying.  But MSV said there has been no issue that she has seen in the classroom.  None have been spoken about at home.

MSV said S’s focus definitely wavers, but she tries really hard to focus back.  She also has to use the bathroom a lot, especially when they are doing something new.  Between the anxiety and the energy to refocus, S is left very tired at the end of the day.  She often complains a lot about being tired in the afternoon.  That part really didn’t surprise me, but it still broke my heart.  What must go through S’s head every day.  In school. out of school.  Her worry.  Her effort to always be focused and put a hold button on her distractability.  From our point of view, she has come so far.  Yet here we are, being told, that it’s all still very much there.  I know it has been.  But to hear it from someone else.  And the effects it has on S.  hearbreaking, nonetheless.

Overall, the concerns were put out there.  But we got some great feedback.  I was really happy with all the news.

So, now that they are all hitting a groove with this sub, the regular teacher is coming back.  I didn’t have too many issues with her before.  I liked her.  But I seem to think this new sub is an even better fit.  I’m not the only one.  A few other parents say the same thing.  So we look to another new transition starting next week.  Things should be interesting.  And I can only hope that school goes off without a hitch during this transition as it did the last.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve in Epcot.  What a day!  We got there nice and early, grabbed a stroller, and the morning was a blur.  Fast Passing this ride, hopping on that ride.  It was an amazing experience.  Fabulous.  Just cool things to see and do.  The kids were amazed.  They couldn’t really appreciate the cultural aspect of all the world things in Epcot, but they got to look around and see different things.  Didn’t hurt that Belle and Princess Aurora were in France, as well as Marie from the Aristocrats.  Mary Poppins and Alice in Wonderland in the UK.  Mulan in China.  Jasmine and Aladdin in Morocco. Snow White in Germany.  My husband got to pop a beer while waiting in some of those lines.  Tons to see.  Tons to do.  We had dinner in Morocco, where the belly dancer charmed M.  We sat right next to the dance floor.  Next thing we know, M is up there learning to dance with a couple of other young girls and the belly dancer.  PRICELESS!  She now would like to be a belly dancer when she grows up.  So many of the pictures she is drawing are of that belly dancer! LOL!

Christmas Day it was a beautiful sunny day.  Ended up being about 74 degrees that day! After the cold winter we have been having in NJ, it was a welcome change.  I didn’t care if it didn’t necessarily felt like Christmas because there wasn’t snow, or it wasn’t cold, or we didn’t have a tree.  It was still great.  We exchanged gifts with each other, and agreed to a poolside lunch.  Lunch was quick while the kids enjoyed the afternoon in the pool.  It was chilly coming out of the water, but the water was warm.  All 6 kids were in the water having fun.  Our 2 year old niece was happy exploring the outdoor grounds around the back.  Christmas dinner was yummy Korean food.  Followed by games in the game room, and then lots of games at the Community Hall.  Air hockey battles, ping pong battles, PS2 Madden NFL battles.  Lots of coloring at the coloring table.  It gave me my first chance to really talk to my sister-in-law in years.  We always chit chat in passing about this or that.  She finally learned of all the things we have gone through with S over the years.  Finally understood the magnitude of that weight of responsibility for me and my husband, for S, and even for M.  Her scare with her 2 year old this fall seems to changed some of her usual reservations with us.  It was a nice bonding weekend for us all.

The next day was cold and chilly.  Everyone took their time moving around the hotel.  Very slow!  We had our final dinner in Downtown Disney.  And hung out in one of the rooms late.

Leaving day was the first one where S did not shed a single tear leaving.  She is usually whiny and teary when we leave a “vacation”.  She gives us a hard time.  And this really was a vacation for them.  My middle brother left early in the morning, so she got to see them off.  My oldest brother left when we did.  My parents were leaving, too.  I think she seemed to understand no one was staying, and it made things a lot easier.  Of course, this crazy blizzard on the East Coast left us at the airport for many more hours than we should have been.  But the Orlando airport is so comfortable.   Tons of seating.  Lots of shopping.  Lots of space to run around.  The kids were having fun with their new christmas presents.  They didn’t mind.  We almost didn’t leave because our flight seemed destined to be canceled at the last minute.  Literally at the last minute, out of nowhere, we were told we were boarding.  And that we had 15 min to board and the doors would close.  If they didn’t close then, the plane was not allowed to leave.  You can imagine the mayhem since we were told 10 min before THAT, that we were likely not leaving since there was no crew.  Next available flights to Philadelphia would not be until Thursday or Friday!

M slept the entire ride.  S was busy with her games and doodles from her backpack.  We decided to sleep in Philly for the night since we got in late and didn’t know if we had to dig the car out.  Another hotel?  They were over the moon.  S kept exclaiming, at 11pm, “This is like ANOTHER vacation!”  I think that says it all.

When we finally made it home the next day, we had to dig our way through 27 in of snow.  not fun. and exhausting with everything else we had to do.

All in all, I can’t complain.  It was a wonderful holiday.  It was so amazing to see my family all there.  It was a great trip.  I remember how much S used to cry and go crazy waiting in lines.  And she did so this time like a champ.  I remember how the crowds were so overwhelming for both kids, and now, they lean in close, but they deal with it just fine.  They take things as they come a lot better.  My husband and I are also better with creating the better atmosphere for both of them.  We didn’t hurry them out of the hotel each morning.  We let them draw, and eat breakfast in the hotel room.  The idea of being somewhere with their cousins got them up and moving quickly.  That helped.  We recognized that we can’t always be on the go and on our agenda.  Even if something is for them and we think it will be fun, they have be up for it.  They don’t sleep enough when we are traveling, and we know enough now to schedule things earlier when they are better rested.  The end of the trip is no fun with them tired and cranky.

All in all, a great holiday.  Merry Christmas to all our families out there!

Happy new year!

I have not posted in so long! I’m so sorry.  And I have a chock full of stories to tell!

1st off.  Happy New Year everyone!!!  2010 had its mixes of ups and downs.  And the downs seemed to really snowball at the last 1/4 of the year!  So please 2011, be kind and fair!

S turned 7 in December.  2nd year in a row she was sick on her birthday.  We were stuck with everything after my last post.  The stomach bug went through the entire family in one fashion or another.  Twice to each child.  With the last bout, S had a fever and got a bad head cold.  M caught the head cold but no fever.  I got some of that head cold.  Believe it or not, January 2nd, the cough still lingers for both kids.  Doctor said not much we can do about it at this time.

Each birthday for both kids brings about such emotions for me.  I flash to when each were born, and the expectation I felt as a parent.  As a first time parent, so many hopes and thoughts about how life will be with this new baby.  How your family will be shaped.  And then she is born, and all of those things don’t exactly leave.  But change.  Because you realize you never had control of those hopes and dreams in the first place.  The child that was born came with her own personality, and that keeps growing and shaping as she gets older.  And the realization that motherhood is a shitload of work.  There I said it.  Yes.  it’s a lot of work!  So by the time M was born, I really didn’t have as many illusions.  I thought I knew what I was getting myself into round 2.  Only same genes, trying to raise her in a similar manner as S, and she is completely different.  From birth.  So I am kicked in the ass again.  But it’s all a good thing.  It’s an extremely humbling experience to be a parent.  From birth. the first. the second, the third or fourth if you have them.  And for the rest of the years of raising them, I’m still humbled.  Elated. Frustrated at times.  just kind of crazy.  But humbled.  Birthday to birthday, S is not the same child as the year before.  As much as things stay the same, she keeps changing, progressing.  It’s an incredible milestone for us to reflect each year.  Yes, she has endured some hardships, and things keep getting thrown our way.  But the anxiety keeps getting a little better.  She has more control of things that she didn’t before.  Her ability to deal with her frustrations keeps getting better.  She has a long way to go.  But it’s all moving.  And that’s an incredibly great thing.  I forget to pull my head out and take a look at that journey.  Her birthday is a good reminder for us all.

So Happy Birthday my sweet 7 year old!  With her gappy grin, as we wait for these teeth to come in, she’s losing that little kid cuteness.  But she still has a little something there.

Christmas came, and we headed to Florida to be with my family.  After 4 straight events with my husbands family (his grandmother’s birthday, Thanksgiving, his mother’s birthday, S’s birthday), I was ready for a little bit of distance.  My family isn’t a picnic either.  But it had been so long.  We have not  been a full family with all the kids present since M was 15 months old.  It’s been a very long time.  To be spending it in Disney..well, we had our mixed feelings.  Disney is so crowded at that time.  The lines, the waits, the restaurants, everything.  But it was the only time one of my brother’s could go.  So we all went.

The kids got some very key presents from Santa the night before we left.  Actually, they didn’t even know we were going!  LOL!  They found out from their teachers on the last day that they were going to Florida!  That night we told them Santa wanted to make sure that he got some of their gifts a little early to enjoy Christmas with our family.  The pillow pets came into action.  The excitement of traveling, with pillow pets, to see their cousins was contagious!

We made the drive to Philadelphia instead of Newark because the tickets were so much cheaper.  They were excited every leg of that trip.  The long drive.  Seeing the Philadelphia sky line.  Learning that this is the city where their parents met.  Where they went to school.  The bus from the parking lot to the airport.  The tram to the terminal.  Getting on the plane.  Everything.  They didn’t sleep a wink on that trip.  Walking through the Orlando airport, M started seeing lots of signs with Mickey Mouse on them.  She started asking me why Mickey was everywhere.  On the Disney Magic Express bus, the video was showing different sights at Disney World.  Then it clicked.  Both asked, “Are we going to Disney World?”  We stepped off the bus at our hotel to find my mother waiting at the curbside.  The excitement just kept coming.  The hotel all lit up in Holiday decorations was so exciting.  The edible huge gingerbread house with chocolates was amazing.  Would have loved a nibble if I could jump over the fence into it.  Didn’t want to cause a scene.  Stepping into the hotel room where the first set of cousins were already waiting.  They hadn’t seen them since Summer 2009.  But both kids remembered their older cousins.  We went to our room down the hall.  You would have thought this was their Christmas present.  They were in love with the hotel.

The next set of cousins came in after dinner.  They hadn’t seen these cousins since that time M was 15 months old.  They only saw pictures. None of the cousins had even met the youngest one who was just 2.  S and M were disappointed to have the night end and have to go to bed.  But everyone had an early day.  We were going to Epcot and meeting up with my sister-in-law and her older daughter.  Her son was going with my brother and his sons to Universal Studios.  My other brother was staying behind with the 2 year old.  My parents were going golfing.  It was Christmas Eve.

 

Sunday nights

We are heading into the 3rd week of school.  the 2nd full week coming.  And yet again, even though we had a great weekend, the transition to bedtime for Monday continues to be one with angst.

We really had a fun weekend.  My husband came home early enough on Friday night, and we took the kids out to dinner.  They had a great time.  We were woken in the middle of the night by M, who threw up all over her bed.  After cleaning it all up, and changing her sheets and giving her new pillows and blankets, she slept all night and later into the morning.  She seemed fine by Saturday morning.  We gave her a light breakfast, and we went apple picking with good friends of ours.

The girls had a ball with the 2y old son of our friend.  They were so excited to be with him, and tried to include him in everything.  And he was so excited to be with them.  He just followed their every moves.  You could tell his mom and dad were happy about it because he didn’t fight them when it was time to eat, go to the bathroom, anything.  He just followed the girls.  It was honestly a great day for the adults and the kids.  Exhausting, but great.  The fall festival was up at the orchard.  So bounce houses, corn mazes, apple picking, pony rides, feeding the animals, everything was up and running.  And so were the kids.  We got home late and had a relaxing evening.  Bedtime was no issue.  Everyone was tired.

Today, both girls were a little whiny, especially M.  But even S had some troubles with transitions today.  They got over them quickly for the most part for awhile.  I went out to brunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in years.  S and her son are 2 weeks apart.  She was one of the first mommy friends I made, when S was 7 weeks old.  She moved when the kids were 15 months, and came back to the area when they were 3.  But with our busy schedules, younger babies, etc. we could never get together.  With full day school, forget it.  We decided it best to just meet for brunch.

My husband took the kids out to the park to play.  They had a great time.  After lunch, he took them swimming at the YMCA while I ran some errands.  By dinnertime, they were hungry, cranky, and tired. BAD combination.  The only thing missing is either being too hot or too cold!  You parents know what I’m talking about!   Each step after dinner was a problem for S.  She wanted to go outside and play after dinner.  As soon as she went, she tripped on the deck and scraped her leg.  Then she didn’t want to play.  She didn’t want to stay inside by herself.  Then she wanted to play catch, but then she didn’t.  When it was time to go upstairs, she didn’t want to shower.  Then she realized that it was going to be Monday.  ”I don’t want to go to school.  I don’t like school.”  on and on.

In the end, as much as she stalled, she was better than she has been in years passed.  Yet we still go through it.  No matter how great the week is that we got through, or how terrible or wonderful the weekend was, Sunday night is a transition night.  For all of us.  And it brings on lots of whining, some tears, and resistance.  Thankfully, sleep comes easy to me on Sunday nights!!!  Because I’m tired of hearing it!  Bring it on Monday!

taking a pause

You know, so much of what we do day to day…it’s just stuff.  It’s not that it’s important.  Of course it is, most of the time.  But it’s so easy to get caught up in that day to day, week to week, that you forget to take your head out of the sand.  And then in one moment, something HUGE makes everything else you work towards seem so insignificant.  That’s the kind of week we’ve had in this house.

We were so geared for the first day of school, and the 2nd, and the 3rd, etc.  So much anxiety riding on it.  And it ended up being great for both S and M.  At home, M was not really listening to us.  Well, who am I kidding?  She doesn’t listen that great, but it was really bad and blatant those first few days of school (and we are only on day 6 folks! 7 is tomorrow!).  Both my husband and I were getting frustrated.  Plus we were trying to keep emotions calm and in check so that neither kids rode a bad wave from us.  S needed us to be just level and calm as she was still hypersensitive in that first week of school.

A good friend of mine lost her mother last week to cancer.  It was a long, brave battle for her mother and for the family.  A bunch of us went to support her at the wake.  It had been such a long time since I had been to one.  Stirred up many memories.  But with all the other bullshit that was going on in my life leading up to it, I just took a step back and said, “You know what, crazy lady?  It’s not important.  There are a million reasons why I could get upset and pissed off at people, but is it worth it?  At the end of the day, I have my family, and I need to hold onto that.  My family and friends know where I stand and who I am.  I don’t really need anything else.”

When I got home that night, I got a call about a  family member, a little girl we haven’t gotten a chance to know well, because they live far.  They found a brain tumor.  She’s under 2.  Stunned.  Absolutely stunned.  My mother and father were in full force, finding out what they could, rearranging their schedules to fly out to help, everything.  The next 12 hours were such a blur.  The kids didn’t have school the next day because of the Jewish holiday.  But I was so busy with my mother, who was helping out here that week, we paid almost NO attention to the girls.  They were happy to play and be on their own.  And I pulled out some cool new things to occupy them.

My mother left to pick up my father from the airport.  He had been in Korea and was coming back that day anyway.  The next morning, they flew out.  We got reports back every few hours.  Things weren’t looking good.  It was a large tumor.  Lots of jargon was thrown around.  Blood work, an MRI, a spinal tap.  And finally the surgery at the beginning of the week.

Without going into so much detail, her surgery was a 5-6 hr one.  I can’t even begin to imagine being her parents during that time.  My parents weren’t very solid during that time.  I was having a hard time all afternoon, thinking of all kinds of things.  In the end, we could breathe some relief.  The tumor was removed.  It was not malignant.  No blood transfusions necessary.  She would need time to recover.  I’m sure there will be therapies involved.  I hope she can go home soon to her brother and sister who are patiently waiting for their little sister and parents to come!  The prognosis is cautiously positive.

I look at my little family and just think how quickly things can turn.  Literally at the blink of an eye.  You can be on the biggest high and the floor just falls out from under you.  You can be at the bottom of the barrel and start climbing your way out.  The nature of life are precious moments can change the course of your life forever.  I look at M who yes, let’s admit it, can be a pain in the ass sometimes.  But I told my husband, I’d rather have her that way and healthy, than the other way.  S, with her delays and issues, still has her health at the end of the day.  I’m grateful.  and for so much.  To have my family, and my family of brothers and sisters and their families, of my parents, and the family of my husband’s side (yes…I am including ALL of them!).  Both sides have endured some hardships this year.  Financially, health.  But without your health, you got nothing.  You can’t do anything.  I’m grateful that we’ve been blessed so far.  Grateful that that little girl has got more time with us on this planet.  Sure they will have some hardships and struggles coming as she gets back up and on her feet in the coming months.  And we plan to help them as much as we can, however we can.  But we’ve been given that chance.

So, yet again, at the end of the day, the day to day stuff…it has to happen.  We have to take care of it.  We have to deal with it.  But the priority list has shuffled again.  The bullshit.  The stupid stuff that make adults look like middle school kids again.  It’s just that.  It’s not that I can’t be bothered with it.  It’s all right there in front of me.  But I can’t think of it as so important and all encompassing.  And I can’t fix everything.  I’ve accepted my capabilities.  and right now, I’m just going to squeeze my family tight.  Every day.  Every night.

Kinks before school starts

The end of August always marks that time of end of summer.  School starts the day after Labor Day.  Usually by this week, my kids are at each other’s throats.  S is usually in full swing tantrums and breakdowns.  There isn’t as much structure, which is nice, but leaves room for unpredictability.  Everywhere we go, people are asking her about if she’s excited about school.  S honestly looks at people like, “I’m still on my vacation.  Why would you ask me about school?”  She hears me talking on the phone about it, too.  The teacher assignments came out on Saturday, and there has been a huge flurry of emails and phone calls since.

I have to say, S is handling the stress and anxiety much better than past years.  She still gets a little more weepy, a little more edgy.  However, she has been managing it a lot better than any other summer.  We have a week to go before school starts, but she is holding her own, so far.

Me?  I feel like I’m another story.  I’ve been dreading the start of school, which is strange for me.  Normally, I can’t wait for it to begin.  I’m tired of the summer by this last week.  I want them to go back.  I NEED them to go back.  I’m not feeling that yet.  We’ve had a great summer.  Lots of fun in the sun.  Lots of fun with friends.  It went by so fast.   I brace myself for the drama that comes with the start of the new school year.

Last year, S tore out her hair from her scalp during a meltdown the night before the 1st day.  I was so shaken.  S cried on and off about school for a couple of weeks.  But turned it around quickly.  She never cried when I picked her up.  She loved Kindergarten.  Getting her there wasn’t always easy, but she always came out with a huge smile.

This year, the full day, 1st grade, a new teacher-new to the school new, new speech therapists and OT, and almost all new specials teachers.  It’s a lot.  I’m sure eventually, S will enjoy school.  She doesn’t want to eat lunch at school.  She has never done a lunch program before.  And I think she’s going to be tired.  All things she will eventually have to do and get used to.  Classic me, I expect the worst and hope for the best.  That’s where it’s just sticking me, though.  Expecting the worst, I’m expecting tears, and tantrums and anxieties.  In truth, I should be hopeful.  It’s not her first year at the school.  She will have some familiar faces in the classroom.  She may love it from day one.  But again, I never hold my breath.

I’m probably a big problem to S’s anxieties.  No matter how much I try to hide it and cover it up, I know it’s there.  I am having trouble sleeping, thinking about it.  Worrying about how to talk it over with her, etc.

The things not helping me?  All these things at school.  So we know nothing about this teacher.  I called the office this morning to find out how to contact her so I can get in the classroom to take pictures of the teacher and classroom to make a social story for S.  They were so vague in the office.  They didn’t know when teachers were in setting up their classrooms.  Some already did it.  Some were doing it this week.  All teachers were set to meet on September 1st.  ”At the very least, she’ll get your message then.”  I’m thinking I need time to put the book together, etc.  But no.  roadblocked.  So I wait.

We never received our IEP.  We never even signed it.  We drafted it together.  We wanted to look at it again.  I’ve been calling our case manager all summer.  He never got back to me.  I finally got an email back from him, apologizing to me.  He’s been let go.  Working at another school.  Hasn’t worked since beg-mid July.  Doesn’t know who is taking on S’s case, doesn’t really know who can help me with anything.  I could talk to the secretary or the head of Special Services.  Couldn’t someone have let us know he wasn’t going to be a case manager anymore?

The phone numbers have changed, too.  The phone extensions, I mean.  I couldn’t find the secretaries number through the directory or her former line, either.  I happened to save a voice message she left me in July where I found it.

The secretary was kind but also very revealing.  She talked about different case managers coming on, one from the preschool who was horribly ineffective.  New members of the child study team.  They would all meet in September and discuss the best way to split up the case loads.  ”This is going to be a very different and difficult year from all sides.”  Really gives you a booming sense of confidence going into an already charged and changed school year!

This is not the start many NJ school districts would like.  And a difficult start it will be for many districts whose budgets did not pass and state aid got severely reduced.  Larger classroom sizes, less aides, less of a bit of everything to go around.

I really pray that everything works out as well as they have in the past couple of years.  That no matter where my own anxiety levels are at, or S’s, that it falls into place.  I want so badly for her to get off to a great start.  I’m excited for the things both S and M are going to be doing this year.  Excited for the friends they will make, the memories they build going forward.  Just wish it was without some of the drama….ours or the schools.