team sports competition

Last week began the fall soccer season and ALL after school activities.  It is the end of the weekend, and I am absolutely exhausted from all the shuffling around.  Looking around, listening to others, watching my kids, I have to wonder sometimes if this is all worth it.

First of all, I personally can be competitive when I am playing in a sport or just playing my husband at a Wii game.  There.  I fully admit it.  As a parent, while I would like to see my kids and their team play well, I don’t keep track of scores or who won, etc.  To me, it’s not about me or how I feel about competition.  It’s about the kids.  It could be also that all my kids add to the team sometimes is a lot of cheerful team spirit.  By the way, I think that’s pretty important as well.  I like to see effort, personal improvement, and team comraderie.

Depending on the sport and child, we get different results on different days.  We had soccer start last week.  S’s game got canceled with all the rain last week.  M’s game was still on.  S’s games are going to be on a full field now, with a full size goal.  They went from playing 4 on 4 without a goalie on a small field with a little goal to 6 on 6 with a goalie on a huge field.  This past game was exciting to watch.  There was so much more going on.  S even tried to be the goalie.  Clearly spacing out and not really sure what was expected of her, she watched without moving a muscle, the ball slowly roll into the net.  The next 2 she saved pretty well.  M definitely got in there a lot more.  Every year both girls get a little bit more into it, get ever slightly more aggressive.  By that I mean, they run a little more, and just maybe make some contact.  Yesterday, M scored 3 goals.

I always thought that maybe they, especially S, would do better with a sport that was more on an individual pace.  Tennis, swim, golf.  Their score would be part of a bigger team, but it would be the individual effort.  As much as I love the concept of a team sport, I just thought it fit S better to do the individual.  But after the summer, I began to change my mind.

With swim, S’s coach only cared about the individual improvements of each child.  She didn’t care if the team won or lost.  I loved that about her.  But she also took chances.  She swam people in events they didn’t really know, for the experience.  S went into a medley relay.  People sometimes would wonder about S if she spaced out in an event.  But I thought nothing of it.  It was just her and her place and time.  But in a relay, where you are swimming with 3 other people…they were relying on her.  It made no sense to me.  That morning, she swam her freestyle and backstroke and it was strong.  She went into the relay, and there was huge HUGE confusion right before it.  They threw her in the pool at the last minute and she was off.  She stopped swimming and sank underwater for a couple of seconds.  Then she would stop and turn to see the wall every few strokes.  Clear disqualification.  The middle school kids behind me were yelling all kinds of questions and obscenities.  I could only imagine what parents were thinking.  My friend was one of the timers, and I later found out parents were going OFF about S.  She had to be disqualified.  What did she think she was doing?  Why was she in this event?

I realized when whatever S does, it somehow affects the team.  Sometimes more than other times, but it’s still there.  In soccer, as a team sport, how she plays or doesn’t play, affects the team’s game.  She plays harder than she has ever done so in the past, but compared to the skill and intensity of her teammates, it pales.  She has wonderful coaches that pat her on the back for all the little or big things she does.  The parents around us have been wonderful over the past 2 years.  But I have always wondered if they think she is deadweight to the team.

It started to feel that way with swim.  S is not competitive by nature.  She just goes however she goes.  Somedays it is with a spark, and somedays it’s not.  And for my husband and myself, we really have been and will continue to be what she puts into it and what she is getting out of it.  And our goals are far different from that of other parents.  We like that she is around other kids/females her age.  We like that she is apart of a team, and to start understanding what that means.  We like that she continues to move out of her comfort zone and tries these new things.  She continues to show so much growth in these aspects.  But other more competitive parents really don’t care where we are coming from.  They are looking at their end winning result.

I wondering where that leaves us as they get older and the separation becomes even starker.

end of a successful season

Ok. It’s June.  another spring season down.  We finished off both girls’ soccer season this weekend.  And what a season they both had!

First of all, I just want to say how proud I am of both S and M!!  M had her first soccer season.  She was one of the youngest players on the field, and she played hard.  She ran with the pack, almost never kicked the ball, spaced out for 1/2 the game, and scored once or twice all season.  But she did it all with the biggest smile on her face.  The first o.  2 games, she was teary and afraid to be out on the field.  But from the 3rd game on, she went on a happy run!  Waving from the sidelines, permanent smile on her face, she went crazy happy!

And S.  just wow!  After starting the playerpast 2 season in tears and tantrums until game 7 each season, and being okay for the last 3 games….She started the spring excited, happy to go to her games.  S finally started participating in practice during the week, too.  She has been forming bonds with her teammates, and has been all smiles going to her game.  For once, this season, not a single game rained out.  So we had consistency on our side.    S is not a great player.  She gets distracted easily, she runs after the pack of girls, but she definitely got herself in there.  She kicked the ball side by side next to other players, and even scored a couple of goals this year.

It’s been a crazy spring driving back and forth to each of the girls’ games on Saturday mornings.  My husband and I have had to split up if the games were at the same time.  When we’ve been able to make both games, the family has been out all morning into the afternoon.  We’ve had birthday parties to go to some afternoons and errands to run.  I feel like we’ve been run so ragged this spring.  But the change in what we’ve seen in our girls this spring has been priceless.  S has been feeling so good about herself.  It’s been incredible.  And M has finally been feeling like she is a big girl, able to do the things that her sister does.  They both enjoy going to each other’s game and cheering for her each other.

Then my husband has been playing in a baseball league on Sundays.  Who would have thought that the girls would be so excited to go to his games.  It’s been hot or raining some of those games, but they are truly enjoying the experience.  It takes a huge chunk out of our Sundays, too.  But it doesn’t matter.  Most of the time, there are at least 1 or 2 families with kids that go, too.  The kids are all good friends, forming bonds over the past few years together.  Today, the kids knew they would have been the only kids there at the game, but they still wanted to go.

From a homekeeper’s point of view, it’s been a nightmare.  I can’t get anything done over the weekend the way I used to.  Our weekdays have been so busy, too.  I feel completely inefficient.  And when I have the time to get home things done, I go all out because I don’t know when I will have the time to really do it the way I would like to.  It’s been a nightmare for me personally trying to keep up with it all.

From a mother’s and a wife’s point of view, it’s been amazing!  We’ve finally gotten out of the winter, and outside in the fresh air.  The kids and dad feel like they are part of a team.  They are contributing to something bigger than themselves.  We’ve become a family of enthusiastic cheerleaders for each other.  I feel like the kids have finally stepped outside of their little princess dream world to see that there are lots of things out there.  They continue to learn to swim through their lessons, but are building friendships through their sports and team.

On one hand, it’s relieving to me that summer is coming, and we’ll break from all this mayhem for a few months.  But on the other hand, I’m sad to see it end.  They’ve come so far.  To end it so abruptly has never been easy.  sigh….another season done….successfully and proudly.

Dad as the beacon

So my husband has joined a Sunday baseball league.  Not your typical men’s softball league.  A baseball league.  Overhand throwing, pitching, the works.  Most of the team are mid 30s-40.  Because he’s been traveling so much for work and there have been Sunday rainouts, he hasn’t been able to play.  This past Sunday was his first game.

They played at a field about 40 min from our home.  He seemed pretty excited.  When we told the kids that Daddy was playing in a baseball game, M’s first reaction was, “Oh.  with who?  Are you playing with the Yankees?”  yeah…he wishes.  But they were definitely intrigued that they would be watching him, for a change.

He went first, and we met him there.  The kids were just so excited upon arriving.  We have friends whose fathers are on the team, too.  So they knew someone.  There was a small park across the parking lot.  So they were able to go back and forth.  But when they saw him go up to bat, they were cheering him on.  ”Go Daddy.”  ”Daddy! Daddy!”  It was so cute.  And they cheered for the other dads that they knew.

Both S and M are used to us spending our Saturday mornings at their respective soccer games.  They know that their dad enjoys watching baseball, and throwing a ball around.  To see him playing on the field brings things to a different level in everyone’s eyes.

They get to see him struggle and succeed.   They know he won’t get hits everytime and he won’t catch every ball that comes his way.  They see him enjoying himself, playing a sport he has so much fun with.  They see him make mistakes, but he always goes back out there, with a smile!  I love that they get to see their dad like this.  We have so many goals we all work towards, as individuals, and as a family.  But to put dad as the beacon of this sports journey.  It’s inspiring and fun.

We could definitely do with more of these games.  We could do less with sprained feet trying to go all out catching a fly foul ball.

Another adventure done

What a whirlwind Christmas weekend for us!  And I have to say, the kids have been great.  We’ve been throwing them for some loops, but both have handled them well, especially S.  Who would have thought?!!  My parents had a bunch of people over for Christmas, most of whom the girls had never met.  But they fell right into step and played alongside the other kids.  S went off on her own for awhile, and then would join them, go on her own, and join them again.  I thought she self-regulated herself well.  She knew that it was too much to be with the others the entire time, so she went off and played her Leapster, and then went back and joined them.  No whining, no crying about having to share her toys.  M was right in there from the beginning and had a ball with her “new friends”.

S has been talking about getting purple skis non-stop for the past week or 2.  She kept asking if we were going skiing while we were at my parents’ house.  Yesterday, we finally went.  It was warm, and all the snow that has been here has been melting (never mind that it is coming down hard again today!).  We went to a different mountain this time that was supposed to have a better snow base for the kids.  Last year, we took them to a ski mountain, and the 2 couldn’t even stand on skis by themselves.  My husband and I decided to put them into ski school this year.  S has been in such a good place for the last month that we both thought if there was ever a time she going to accept lessons in something, now would be the time.

Both kids were so excited.  We hadn’t broken the news  yet, though, that they weren’t going to ski with us for the lessons.  We ate lunch and took them out on the hill for a few runs on the beginner slope with a rope tow.  They were having so much fun, especially S.  And she was handling herself well on the skis.  20 minutes later, a young teenage instructor, Carly, showed up.  She pulled them off to the side.  An older lady, must have been the manager/overseer walked over.  There were a bunch of parents there with cameras and observing.  This lady said, “Don’t worry.  They’ll have fun.”  We smiled.  We were hoping to take some runs on our own, but we weren’t quite sure how the kids would do if we just left.  Of course, I should have gone by my motto that my kids do much better when we are not around.  As S was being led away, she looked back.  ”Mommy, I want to stay with you.”  I told her to go with Carly.  The lady turned to us again and said, “Why don’t you go skiing and take some runs.  You can come check on them a little later.”  Before she could say anything else, my husband was off.  I started to follow him when I heard, “Mommy, where are you going?”  I yelled back, “We just have to run and get something.  We’ll be back.”  And I left.

We took a few runs, and checked back in.  Carly walked up the hill partway with each child.  She let them go, and they skiied by themselves 30 feet to another instructor, Courtney.  Huge smiles covered both their faces.  M looked up and yelled, “Hi Daddy, Hi Mommy.”  S spun around and was grinning.  She then told us that she wanted to come with us.  We knew we made a mistake coming and checking in.  They had another 30 min to go.  We turned to leave again.

It was fun to finally ski again just my husband and I.  Feeling free and unbound, we just enjoyed being off on our own.  By the time it was time to go get the kids, both of us were tired.  Our feet hurt, and our legs were starting to burn.  We weren’t used to this.

The kids were all smiles when we got them.  They gave Carly and Courtney high fives.  They said the girls did great.  We brought them in for a snack, but only after we promised S that we were going to head back out.  S and M shared a piece of cake and water.  Then they were back out on the hill.

It was difficult for us to handle the girls because we were getting tired ourselves.  But we got them up the rope tow.  By this time, S was able to figure out how to hold it herself and keep herself propped up with us.  M was bending down so low, I thought she was going to fall right between my legs.  She didn’t have the arm strength to really hold on by herself, either.  I had to wrap one arm around her completely and still had to hold the tow with 2 hands.  The pain in my arms was excruciating! I secretly hoped that they wanted to go home soon.  One look at S’s face and I knew that we weren’t leaving anytime soon.

M was having fun, but she was definitely tired.  It was exhausting for her to coordinate her body and hold herself up.  But S, she looked like she was having the time of her life!  She was getting the gist of it.  She wasn’t able to go slow or stop unless she made herself fall or someone caught her, but she was doing great.  And the best part, she was trying something new.  Something that should have been so difficult for her.  The off-balance, the coordination, the strength.  All things that we have been addressing in her OT sessions, but still, the sensory party would have gone into a tailspin with the off-balance sensation.  But here was, soaking it all up.  S was loving every minute of it.  M and I gave up and headed in.  She said she was tired.  But S wanted to go run after run.  Poor Dad.  He wanted to go in, too.  But how can you say no more to a child that doesn’t usually like to do new things???  And we didn’t know when we were going to get out there next.  So he stayed with it.

I heard a speaker once say that new experiences was the best way for a child to learn.  To keep them moving forward, you had to throw them into challenged.  Supported challenges, but new adventures, nonetheless.  Vacations, travel, local trips trying something out, etc.   It supported S’s neurologist’s idea that we needed to take S on “mystery trips” where we didn’t tell her where we were going.  Always make it fun.  That way S would learn that she didn’t have to know detail about everything.  The unknown could have fun rewards.  They were both right.

S loves mystery trips now.  It’s always something fun.  Sometimes she doesn’t want to try when she gets there, but most of the time, she is game.  It might be a museum or a movie, ice cream, or something entirely different.  Each one she comes out happy.

Skiing wasn’t a mystery trip, but still something a bit new.  Leaving her in the hands of a teenager wasn’t exactly heartwarming for us, but we trusted S would be okay.  And at the end of the day, she kept asking repeatedly, “Can we go back tomorrow?”  What more can a parent ask for?????

Her first game

I don’t even know what week we are in for soccer.  There have been a few rain outs, and 1 game we didn’t go to because I was out of town.  My husband thought to do something else with the girls.  Every week, S goes to soccer in tears.  She hangs on the sidelines, refusing to play.  But each week, the resistance is just a little less.  We have made it to 1 practice.  S seems to like the practices better.  It’s so hard for me to take her to practice, though.  M has boycotted her nap, pretty much, and is dog gone exhausted.  To manage 2 crying kids, in the cold, as it gets dark is just too much on me.  (Practice was at 6pm and has just been moved up to 5:30pm since it gets so dark).  The agreement was that my husband would take her when he could.  But getting out of work that early for practice is near impossible for him, especially lately.

We had the 9am this weekend.  I really thought it was going to be called off again.  It was so rainy the night before.  It was supposed to rain all day.  No rain at 8am, so game was on.  The field was soaked.  Good thing I bought S cleats this year.  Even if she stops playing in November, it’s worth not seeing her react badly to her favorite sneakers getting all wet and muddy.

S went into the game.  She got on the field.  Pass that, she did absolutely nothing.  She didn’t move her feet once.  She stayed, biting her fingernails, staring around, never even positioned her body facing her teammates.  BUT she went in!

Both coaches agreed.  It was a huge step for her.  Not a single tear was shed before or during the game.   Of course there was whining (isn’t there always whining, even under the best of circumstances??? why is that?).

We will see what happens from here.  But FINALLY she has started letting go, just a little bit.  She’s just begun to realize, it’s okay.  I’m okay.  I’m okay out here among these crazy girls flinging mud up from their cleats, chasing after a ball, splashing through huge puddles, and barreling over others.  No big deal!  S has started to understand, I’ll be okay.

Other moms were proud their kids were scoring goals, or rejecting goals.  Me, everything is about the small victory.  She agreed to walk onto the field without us.  She did absolutely nothing, but I was as proud as if she scored 100 goals and turned to someone to say, “You want some more?” with the proper headshake that would go with it.  Proud.

is it okay to bribe your child?

We had our 2nd week of PreK soccer.  It was a late morning game and a zillion degrees.  S spent almost the entire hour hopping in and out of her dad’s lap.  She was very restless and HOT!!!!  At one point, she ran onto the field, and we were stunned.  As soon as play resumed, S ran back off the field into the safe haven of dad’s arms.  I felt quite strongly that we wouldn’t push S if she didn’t want to play.  We wanted to let the choice come from her.  Towards the end, I asked my husband if we should just try a small bribe.  I have seen and heard parents make all kinds of bribes to their children.  Come on, most of us are guilty of it.  I tell my 3 year old that if she finishes her bowl of strawberries, she can have a go-gurt (yogurt in the tube).  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  I haven’t decided how I actually feel about bribing my kids, but is there a difference between that and rewards?

Anyway, S loves Dora ice cream bars from the ice cream truck.  I’m not one to buy ice crem from the trucks often.  (although I have bought more in 2009 so far than I have in all of 2008. )  I heard the announcement that 1-2 min left in the game.  And I told S if she ran out there to play that I’d buy it for her.  I made it clear that she didn’t have to, and we wouldn’t get the Dora I.C. if she chose not to and that was okay.  S definitely thought about it. She said YES!  I yelled to the coach that she wanted in, and she looked kind of surprised.  S ran out and almost as quickly changed her mind.  I reminded her of her reward, and she went back.  She held the coach’s hand and ran along the field for the last min.  She never made it closer than 15 feet to the action, but it didn’t matter to us.  S, with a nudge and upped antee, was out there.  Wasn’t that a step in the right direction?  Do the ends justify the means?

The flip side of this story is one of frustration for me and S.  It was so hot this weekend.  There should have been no problem finding or hearing an I.C. truck anywhere.  Can you believe I was unable to find 1??!!!  We listened in the neighborhood, we drove around to every park that ALWAYS has one parked.  NOTHING.  S was okay with the idea of getting a cone somewhere else, or a slurpee at 7-11 (God Bless you for your flexibility on that issue!), but she still asks, “Where are the trucks?  Can I still get one next time?  Is it still a promise?”  How can I say no?  I think in this situation the follow through is very important.  An immediate gratification might have been the best, but no can do this time.  Seriously, where were all the trucks this weekend??????????  It just wasn’t meant to be.

I thought it was great that S got in the game because I offered to buy the Dora bar.  But what happens for each game after?  Will she go in at all if I don’t offer a reward at the end?  Have I set up a bad system, that doesn’t come from her own nature and will?

town soccer

This wasn’t the post I was planning to write next, but after the phenomenon I experienced today, it had to be this one.  We signed up S for preK soccer league through the town.  First of all, 225 children are signed up.  They are broken down into 16 teams, 12 children per team.  6 teams are playing each other in one hour pockets.  First group starts at 8am, then 9:15, 10:30, and 11:45 wrap it up.  It’s a bit nuts, even for us adults who are going to watch.

S was excited to go when we told her about it.  A lot of her friends were going and a few on her team.  One of the moms we know well is one of her coaches.  As we got out of the car, and walked to the field, I could physically feel S tense, and pulling on my arm.  She started saying how she didn’t need to play.  She wanted to go home.  She was excited to see her friends, but we could tell she was extremely overwhelmed and anxious.  The coach gave her a team t-shirt, and S started crying.  She didn’t want to wear it, she didn’t want to play, oh the list goes ON and ON.  Then they started running short drills/practice of kicking the ball around the field.  S was with her dad, and having none of it.  He was holding her hand, and she was crying, yelling, falling down to the floor (dangling from where he was holding her hand still), kicking the ground.  And all I could think at that moment was, Thank goodness my husband had her and not me.  I was busy with M trying to keep her OFF the field, since she wanted to play so bad.  I calmly pulled S off the field and got her shin guards and socks on.  I told her she didn’t have to play, but she did have to sit and watch.  We weren’t leaving until the game was over.  I told my husband to get real comfortable, and walked to where all the parents were watching the games on the sidelines.

S cried on and off for about 10 min. Then sat very quietly watching her friends play.  She seemed to enjoy watching them play.  Then she got up and kicked a ball with Dad on the side.  Soon, she and her good friend, C, were kicking it back and forth.  That was the extent, but I was very proud of her for pulling it together.  Many parents told me that it took their child until game 8 or 10 to finally get in there.  I realized that most of them had done 1 or 2 seasons of soccer, and this was S’s first.  

Most of the kids knew the gist of what to do, and some were really, really good.  We knew that even if S got out on the field, she just isn’t coordinated at this time in her life to do it.  With practice and work, yes, she can get it. no question.  But I feel like this is how we’ve gone through life.  Her speech, her body coordination, her interactive play social skills, her handwriting.  All are examples of areas where she is getting help.  Once S learns it and understands it, she’s mastered it.  But to get there is a lot of hard work on all our parts, especially her.  It’s not so say there aren’t things she does well naturally off the bat.  There are plenty, but it’s not always blatant and out there the way some other things are.  You have to get to know her better. 

 Every now and then,  a parent would ask me, “So, is she playing yet?”  People may not be watching 100% all the things that families are doing at the game, but they are aware, especially if someone is having a harder time.  These are the moments that are personally difficult for me.  I don’t always feel like I’m being judged.  But even being observed, it’s unnerving sometimes.  I’m already trying to maintain a certain level of calmness but when people are watching, I’m even more tense.  And I’m absolutely sure S feels that.  The moment I escalate, then things go from bad to worse.  I’ve gotten more used to it, and try to block everyone out because I honestly care a lot less than I used to of how it looks.  Now I’m more about just take care of you and your child, and everyone else can take their looks and do you know what with them.  But I won’t lie.  It’s still difficult.

Also, it’s challenging to be on this side of the things.  We are not looking for the star, the best of the best.  With S, we strive for average.  She is getting to an age that she starts to notice people do things a little differently than she.  That’s a tough pill for all of us to swallow.  How do you raise someone with good self-esteem in these situations?  We say that everyone has different talents, and most people have already had practice.  We build her up on what she does well.

If S never plays soccer after this season again, I’ll be okay with that.  As long as we all tried something new.  But we have a lot of friends that do these soccer leagues.  It’s a huge social network for people in this town, too.  It’s alright if we are on the outside.  I mean, this isn’t high school.  But it does make for some of our conversations a little lonely for myself because we aren’t apart of it.  I’m not saying we will be doing everything that everyone else is doing.  First of all, that’s ridiculous.  We don’t do things just to be included in conversation or social circles.  We have bigger things going on in our lives.  Secondly, S is more opinionated in what she wants and doesn’t want than any of us.  So she will let us know.  But there are times I feel a me and them.  I think it’s just life.

In the end, this experience is something for this family to try.  Something out in the open, a team sport, with community support.  It’s not easy for any of us, especially S with all her anxieties about change, and new things.  But I truly believe we are all better for it.  S needs to be with other kids her own age, giving things a chance, and seeing them through to the end.  We can’t keep shielding her.  My husband and I have to put ourselves out there more with other families and learn to deal with S if she is having a public tantrum.  Also, we need to be there for when she takes a step forward and decides to give it a try, to applaud her effort.  And even for M, we miss out on a lot of other things because we are off doing things for S.  This is a new world that she is loving looking into.  All these people, all these kids, her friends on the sidelines, kicking balls into open goals when the teams are on break.  She throws her arms in the air and yells, “I won!”   It may be a long season to go until June, but I know in my heart, experiences is what makes us each grow.  We won’t shrink from this, and we can look back and laugh and learn.