conquering the dentist

I feel like I write this post every 6 months after the kids go to the dentist.  S has never liked the dentist.  And the fact that we go twice a year nearly knocks her socks right off her.  She used to whimper whenever we drove by the dentist office.  I have given that responsibility to my husband.  S used to yell and kick and scream so bad.  I wasn’t physically strong enough to hold her.  Definitely not emotionally strong enough.

I can make the appointment.  I can take M.  She’s a dream.  They give her sunglasses, flip on the tv, and she’s good to go.  Barely flinches.  Barely moves.  A cool cucumber.  She loves the stickers, choosing a toothbrush, choosing a flavor for her cleaning, the game room, the prizes, etc.  The whole experience, she savors.

S.  All I can say is over the past year, things have slowly gotten better.  I dreaded telling her that she even had an appt this week.  The day before my husband asked when we should tell her.  We thought about telling her in passing, as she was doing something fun.  At the end of a long day at the zoo, when they were cranky and tired, I told S in the car.  In passing.  There really wasn’t a good time for it.  And it was a bit quiet.  So I just told her, oh yeah…by the way…

You know something?  She was quiet for a second, and asked me, “I’m going tomorrow?  to get my teeth cleaned?”  I said yes.  And do you know what she said to me very non-chalantly?  ”I won’t cry, Mommy.  I’m going to get stickers, and Ariel toothbrush, and some prizes.  I’ll be happy.”  You can imagine my reaction.

S mentioned the appt on and off that night and the next morning.  She knew she was going to school late.  She knew she was going to miss part of Art.  That bothered her.  I thought going to the dentist, going to school late….everything out of routine would have upset her.

I was wrong again.  For the very first time, S didn’t shed a single tear at the dentist.  She sat by herself in the chair, and managed to do everything just fine.  The hygenist she gets now is awesome.  Just awesome.  She works fast and is calming.  She got her x-rays done and everything.  S went to school happy, told the admins in the office that she was coming from the dentist, and walked herself down the hallway to her classroom.

I don’t know when she got so big and matured!  Of course, we go back in a couple of weeks to fill 2 fillings……gas and novacaine.   We may be back at square one after that visit!

For now, until we get to that appt, I’m going to savor the fact that she has finally conquered her fear of the dentist!  yay!

A reminder

You know, the whole process of raising children is full of ups and downs.  It’s unavoidable.  As a parent, you are given absolutely no manuals or instructions or road maps on your journey.  You can buy an expensive car or electronic and get 1000 page manual.  But what is there when you have a baby.  There is a huge selection at your local Barnes and Nobles, but I’d have to buy every damn book, and it isn’t going to cover everything I need, nor will it give me a definitive, always working answer.  It is what it is.  A web of confusion that we all feel through as we go along.  You know, you would never take that kind of chance with your most priceless items or profession.  But we have no choice when it comes to our children.  There just isn’t any one if A, then B book.  No child is the exact same as another, and they are forever changing.  Just when you start to get a pattern and figure it out, they change.  So we try something else until it works, and it works and then they change again.  FRUSTRATING!

Anyway, add a child with special needs into the ordinary chaos, and now we are really grasping and essentially, like the title of my blog, we are flying blind.

I’m pretty good about staying upbeat and and move forward.  I do my best to focus on the positive and always look at S’s progress. Month to month. Definitely year to year.  She is a different child, able to do so much more than she was a year ago.  However, we still struggle.  And those periods of struggle come and go.  And while we are in those lows, it’s difficult for me to be upbeat and positive.

I’ve been in a bit of a lull lately.  I’m not depressed or really stuck in a rut.  But I’m not upbeat.  And if I am, I’m totally faking it.  S looks to me for stability and positive emotional vibes.  The more insecure or upset she gets, the more I have to be calm and work her through it.  Sometimes, S does great, and shows that she can be more flexible.  Other times, she shuts down, and wants to battle it out.

I’ve been watching her behavior, and realized it’s all the same behavior through the years, it just evolves.  S used to throw herself down on the ground hard, and now she just sits down or lays down.  Refuses to get up.  She used to run her legs in place, and now she jumps up and down as hard as she can.  She used to bang her hands on her thighs, and now she bangs on tables.  I’d like her to have an outlet for her frustrations, but an appropriate reaction.  But what’s appropriate?  She has developmental delays, and her emotional development seems to be delayed, too.  So do I hold her to a standard of what a 4 or 5 year old, or to the standard of an almost 6 year old?  We say that kids are kids and we don’t compare them to others, but let’s be honest.  Everyone does to a certain degree.  And the world at large certainly does.  So what am I really supposed to be doing?  And here is where I start getting confused.

I can handle S’s periods of meltdowns, when she is transitioning.  These are not easy weeks, months, etc.  It’s hard on all of us.  But we have them.  I grow to expect them.  But when things aren’t working, and I begin to get unsure of what it is I’m supposed to be doing, everything goes into doubt.  If I let the behaviors continue, it’s doing an injustice to her, no?  She can’t believe that how she is behaving is age appropriate, or acceptable to others.  But she should have a chance to express herself and be able to vent, right?  And even though we feel so great for the milestones S has acheived, I see this mountain still ahead of us.  (I’m a terrible parent, aren’t I?)  Then I start to wonder about the decisions we have been making up to now, have they been the right ones?  What about the ones we are about to make or will make in the future?  If it were just about me, then it would be on me.  But this is about my daughter, and what is actually right for her.  And who is to know?

I guess, I’m wondering from all you parents out there….how do we know?  And how do we get back our semi-confidence about raising our children?  To be honest, I really don’t have the time or energy to doubt myself.  But it’s there.

Woah, our first call

So, we have been in school now for 2 weeks.  M is having the time of her life.  She has honestly come into this place in life of near euphoria.  She just has an extra spring in her step.  She is so happy.  She loves school, likes her teachers, enjoys her friends.  She’s the type of girl that can make friends with anyone on the playground, especially girls.  She’s very social, and surrounds herself with good people, most of the time.  She is loving her dance class, too.  It’s absolutely adorable to watch her and her friends.

S is in better shape than she was 2 weeks ago.  She gets occasionally tense at having to go, but she is generally fine about going.  She’s not ecstatic, but she’s not dragging her feet, either.  She’s coming along, though.  She always comes out of school happy and excited, and I don’t think it’s just because school is out for the day.

S’s teacher called me last night to let us know how she is doing in school.  They aren’t seeing any anxious behaviors nor tantrums.  She is compliant, happy, giggles a lot, and interested in making friends.  There are a lot more transitions in Kindergarten, too.  They leave to have music, art, library, and gym.  Plus, S gets pulled out for speech therapy and OT in school, too.  Yet, she is okay doing all those things.  She can’t be bothered to stop her drawing and get in the car to pick up her sister at home, but she’ll go along with the school routines.

Overall, I’m surprised by 2 things.  1.  I can’t believe this is the same child.  I know that home and school are totally different, but wouldn’t you think that if I’m seeing tantrums and craziness about having to go to school…it would trickle out a little over there?  This is the way that I would want it:  For S to let it out at home where she is comfortable, rather than freak everyone at school out with a meltdown.  Still, my husband and I looked at each other and asked, “Is this really our child?”  But year after year, teachers have told us how they don’t see that side of S.  She’s generally a happy girl, doing what she can do keep along.

2.  I am still impressed that this teacher has reached out to us and called on her own will.  Really.  As a teacher, I always called parents within the first 2 weeks.  As a parent, that has never happened.  I emailed Ms. B last week, just asking if all was going well, how the transition was going, etc etc.  She did write me back that things were progressing along.  I thought it would have ended there.  The school gave me such a hard time in the spring when I was trying to nail down in writing the school-home communication piece in S’s IEP.  They just didn’t want anything binding.  Yet, here is a teacher taking time out of her evening (And she has 3 kids of her own!) to call me and bring me up to date.  We spoke for 20 min!  It’s absolutely incredible.  I feel blessed that her teacher last year was invested in S and knew what kind of teacher S would need to work with.  And the 2 are still talking.  So she was invested during the year, and still checks up on S.  And her teacher this year is already so onboard with her.  She has made S feel apart of things from day 1.  I just hope we continue this streak.

It’s only been 2 weeks, but I feel good about her placement.  Actually, about both of their placements.  At least for now!

0ne to school, the other to meltdowns

M had her first day of school today. It’s her 2nd year of preschool.  She was so raring to go that she was disappointed that it was only an hour!  She ran to the car to go to school and was super excited.  Normally, she is initially shy with new people.  I expected her to not really want to talk to her teachers.  No problem there.  She greeted them happily and basically pushed me out the door.

S had her Kindergarten orientation today.  I had told her it was just a visit to meet her teacher, see the classroom, see new friends, and find out where her cubby was.  She was okay going there, and tightened when she saw the crowd gathering to line up.  She walked into the classroom, and saw that there were nametags at the tables.  Her teacher, Mrs. B, asked all the kids to sit down.  S didn’t want to.  She asked if it was playtime.  She just wanted to look around.  Mrs. B took 10 min to talk to the adults about drop off and pick up.  S just stood by me, holding my hand.  Then, she asked the kids to sit down with her in the meeting area for a story.  S said she didn’t want to hear a story.  I wasn’t going to push her in front of all these parents and kids.  She held my hand.  Her teacher asked S to join her, and she pleasantly said, “No thank you.  I’ll stay here.”  After, the kids were given a chance to look around, which S did so happily.

She knows a couple of kids, although she is not really close to them.  But she seemed like she was moving comfortably around.  She wasn’t ready to leave when we were asked to clean up.  We went to the playground to play with some other friends.  At home, she played happily with M, and we didn’t think much was up.

My husband announced dinner time to them, and all hell broke loose.  First of all, S and M were just getting into a tift.  It was left unresolved, and she had to clean up.  She wasn’t ready.  Then, S had been eating a bowl of grapes and hadn’t finished them. She didn’t want dinner.  She wanted to eat her grapes.  The meltdown that came for the next 20 min was unbelievable.

S was screaming, and completely incosolable.  I tried to stay very calm and even.  We got her to sit down, but she was still going ballistic.  She started to hit herself in the head, and bumped her arm on the table.  She was pulling at her hair, and ripped out about 4 strands.  Then, she was crying because it all hurt.  Dinner at this point, is futile.  But giving in and letting her walk away from it all didn’t seem right either.  We put on her favorite musical video, but she was going crazy how it wasn’t all in the order she wanted it. My husband and M were unmovable.  They just stared, paralyzed.

I got M and my husband moving again.  I told him to just play the video. He had started it, and at this point, M shouldn’t be punished for the behavior that S was giving out.  She had a perfectly fine day.  FINALLY, S was starting to calm down.  She began to sip ice water, which generally she finds soothing.  She started to enjoy and laugh at different parts of her video.  I started to sneak in bites of food.  She complied.  When she was done, she was a happy clam to be moving about, and then finished off her grapes.

I’m still shaken at today’s meltdown.  I have honestly not seen anything like it, ever.  Sure, I’ve seen inconsolable crying.  I’ve seen her so far gone, she needs to be alone to get it all together.  I’ve seen her hit her leg or her head before with her hand.  But I haven’t seen her go crazy like that.  She pulled out her own hair!!  Now I’m left wondering, am I fooling myself that she’s going to eventually be okay?  Are her anxieties or any of her disorders much worse than I’m willing to admit?  Or was this just a special occasion today?  Were all the components for the right disaster recipe were all there?

We were all drained and done in afterwards.

It’s amazing how one horrendous episode can make you question all the decision that had to be made to this point.  I’m so unsure of everything right now, least of all how to handle this.  One bad episode.  Hoping for God to smile down on all of us tomorrow for the actual first day of school.

A great strong push in the summer, then a full 180

You know, throughout the whole summer, I’ve been posting about S, and how far she has come.  She had a great extended school year, a wonderful time at camp not knowing anyone, she danced in the talent show at camp by herself, taught herself how to swim without any floaties…the list is one to make any parent so proud.  S’s stride have been so inspiring.

Now, here we are, Labor Day Weekend.  School starts in a few days.  Starting a week ago, that child who was so social and made so much progress, has completely regressed and retreated into herself.

Last weekend, I posted we went to a birthday party.  She was so anxious about seeing her friends, she started crying on the way there.  She refused to get out of the car.  Once we got to the party, S was fine and had fun.  During the week, we met up with a bunch of our friends in the park for lunch.  We did it every week during the school year.  Tons of fun for everyone.  S didn’t want to get out of the car again.  Then, she refused to walk into the park.  She wanted to stay in the parking lot.  She refused to open her eyes and kept them covered.  She’s suddenly overwhelmed and not sure how to play with these friends anymore.  And they were GOOD friends at the end of the school year.

Tonight, we were at a town festival, and we bumped into some friends she knew.  Same thing.  She refuses to say hi to people that say hi to her.  She closes her eyes, shirks away, and tries to run in another direction.  It’s too overwhelming for her.  Even our neighbors, she doesn’t want to say hi to anyone anymore.  Everything is putting her on edge.

I think most of it all has to do with the fact that school is starting.  I made her a book with pictures of her school, classroom, and teacher.  She pushed the book away from me, and told me she didn’t want to read it or look at it.  S is in complete denial, in one sense, that school is starting.  On the other hand, she is so super aware that it is coming, that every nerve is shouting at her.  She can’t relax.  Going to bed has been difficult most nights.  She wakes in tears some mornings.  She’s just not herself.   I keep telling myself, once school starts, and she gets over the initial hump, S will welcome the routine to our day, and love going to school.

Until then, we hold on to these last summer days.  Trying to squeeze some joy and positive behavior.  It’s just heartbreaking for me to see S retreating back into herself.  Not wanting to even be courteous in social situations.  If we never left the house these next few days, I think S would be absolutely happy.  I know we have to go through this.  We do at the end of every summer.  But it never gets easier to watch.  As she gets older, and I see what she is capable of doing, and still not capable, it literally hurts my heart to watch.  I have noticed that I’m not so in the dumps about it, and have managed to keep going forward, trying to stay as upbeat as I can.  Encouraging without forcing and cornering her.  We’ll see what happens by the end of the week!

Jumpstarting a new engine

I started to hit a wall with some of S’s transitional breakdowns.  We’ve been very patient with her, and tried talking to her about what makes her cry.  We’ve been upbeat and positive, even when we are dead tired on our feet, to keep the spirits up.  But then, getting ready to go to school, or going to bed, she was still  in tears.  We’ve gone through phases before where this could last a week or 2, or more (when she wouldn’t get out of bed).  But we’ve been in a decent place for most of the year.  Phases have been short lived and had more to do with how tired she was.  By the weekend, I just wanted to get past it.  But how do I get my daughter to come out of her funk?   I opened a channel for a new anxiety to start to close the old one.  

It was unintentional.  I didn’t even see it as a new anxiety.  But 2 things were for sure.  Part of the problem with this phase is once S does this for a few days, we start a pattern.  And then, its a learned habit.  Almost as if S thinks she’s SUPPOSED to cry when we go to school or supposed to cry at bedtime.  And then we need to break that habit.  The 2nd part was we had planned a trip to my parents home for an event for my father.  The whole family was coming in, including extended family.  S was going to be in my parents home (which she knows and loves) but share it and everyone with many that she didn’t know or didn’t know well.  With all the extra people, there was going to be no typical routine.

S started to cry as she saw our bags lined up at the door, ready to go into the car.  No matter where we go, this always starts a flood of some tears.  Not too bad, but she knows something is going on.  Even if she is excited about where we are going (like my parents house), it gets her nervous engines going. I can write a script to the pin drop how it all nfolds.  It’s almost ridiculous…anyway,  the 4 hr ride up was fine.  She was greeted by my mom, and S and M settled in nicely.  My father was with one of my brothers and aunt and uncle playing golf.  This gave them a nice 2 hr window to adjust.  When the crew came back from golfing, it was time to go out to dinner.  Both kids froze at the sight of more people.  Both said a tentative hello.  S clung to my father, and M clung to me.  At dinner, another aunt and uncle arrived.  S and M were settled with table games I brought for them, and barely flinched.  

Back at my parents house, it was all of us and some neighbor friends.  S and M excused themselves to the basement to play and watch TV.  S knew her limits.  She didn’t venture upstairs once.  M, on the other hand, was very curious of all the talking and commotion upstairs.  She would check it out, and come back down.  M would report to S all the ongoings upstairs, and S shrugged it off.  She didn’t have any interest.

We went home for Easter a few weeks ago, and for whatever reason, S didn’t want to go too close to my father.  This time, with all the new faces, she kept running to him and holding his hand.  She looked forward to his hugs and kisses.  She already broke one habit from before being pushed into this new crowd.  When S did enter the room with so many relatives, my father would offer her whatever was being served, usually fresh fruit.  She’d happily take it, stay out of reach of others, and head back to her quieter sanctuary in the basement.

The event itself was crowded, with about 100 friends and colleauges of my father.  It was insane and so busy.  I was overwhelmed.  S and M managed very well.  S found quieter corners or places around where she could sit with her dad.  Her uncles and grandparents were busy mingling with guests.  My husband and I were excused more because of the children.  M hammed it up at the buffet dinner.  She showed everyone her latest ballet spins, pulled the back of her dress over the back of her head-flashing everyone.  Oh, M really showed her “charm”.  S stuck close to her grandparents side or my husband.  She didn’t cry or complain.  She seeked where people wouldn’t be all in her face, and was a little wary.  

The next day, we drove home.  Again, as the bags were lined up at the door, S got teary and M was whiny.  Neither liked the change.  S was okay saying goodbye to everyone, but when it came to my mom, she burst into tears.  She cried for 20 min and was fine for the rest of the trip.  

Since we came home, S and M settled back into their home and routine.  M has been tired and whiny and cranky.  S, on the other hand, has been nothing but smiles and giggles.  She went to bed without a fuss.  She woke up early in the morning, ready to go.  As she got dressed for the day, she asked me if she could go to school!  What a change?  And when she did go to school, she actually went mostly smiling.  The report back from her teacher was a great day!

Sometimes I think changing everything up is overwhelming and stressful to all of us.  If the kids react badly, that just adds extra pressure on my husband and myself.  I know that routine is great for kids, and we need to change it up so that they know that it’s okay if something else comes up.  But in this case, wow!  This trip broke a bad pattern here in this house.  Maybe it will only last for 1 day.   Even 1 day is better than where we had been.  Having S deal with other kinds of stress in a different environment allowed her to let go of some of the anxieties that she was frozen in.  Even I came back looser, less tense about the week we just came through.  It was not a relaxing time away by any means, but it doesn’t matter.  It jumpstarted a new enginel for S, and it’s amazing to see her, even for a day, happy and carefree again.  Now if we can just figure out how to get M back on track……too much to hope for all at once.  Maybe the stars will align on another day.

the last to know

I finally figured out why S has been out of sorts, and it took some investigating.  I wrote to S’s OT at school asking if her sessions went okay, and she said it was fine.  S was a little on the quiet side, but was compliant and did her work well.  However, she mentioned to S’s teacher about it, and S’s teacher told the OT that all the testing and evaluations in school was making S anxious.  The OT suggested that I talk to her teacher.

I wrote an email explaining the change in behavior I was seeing, as well as writing in S’s home-school notebook about it.  Finally, I left a message on her voicemail.  I got an email the next day stating, yes, S was super anxious.  S has been going through a month long process of re-evaluations from the child study team at school.  They need to determine what services, if any, that they would recommend for S in Kindergarten.   I knew her OT and SLP (speech-language pathologist) would do her testing, and the school’s learning specialist would, too.  In fact, I had already received everyone’s reports.  I assumed we were done.  But a Dr. K, probably the school psychologist, was pulling her out, too.  S is wary of a change of routine and strangers.  S wasn’t having it, and her teacher had to go with S to get the eval done.  Her teacher’s email continued with that this has been the case for a couple of weeks, and that she was working with S on getting past her anxiety.  The email was matter of fact and rather dismissive.  To be fair, the tone of email is tricky.  Still, I felt slighted.

After sitting on this for 24 hrs, I decided I needed to talk to her teacher.  I left her another voice message the next morning, and she called back during her lunch hour.  I understand as a teacher, those lunch breaks are SACRED to get through the afternoon.  You have to have that down time.  As bothered as I was, I was still appreciative that she called.  I wanted to know how bad S’s anxiety was in school, how it was interfering with her day, and if all her evals were done.  If I could have seen her teacher wave her hand, I swear she was.  The testing finished the week before, and she had to go with S.  Dr. K went through a test, and didn’t press too hard when S didn’t want to do anymore.  (I’m sure this will be a “telling” report when it comes).  Again, the tone was non chalant and dismissive.  I told her about S’s episodes at home and how much has changed so suddenly.  There was no “oh, I’m sorry she’s going through that” or “poor thing”….anything that would have shown any ounce of compassion or sympathy.  You can be non-chalant and sympathetic without being dismissive.  I was very surprised.  I thought we connected well with this teacher and that she was such a great champion of S.  At the very least, I let her know that I just wished someone had said something to me.  Again, just an “oh. yeah.”

I can deal with S’s behavior at home.  We can work through it.  But I should have known.  Here S is having what seem like tantrums over having to stop playing and go to school, and she’s having panic and anxiety attacks.  If someone had just keyed me into the information at hand, couldn’t I have been a better mom and advocate and safe haven for my child?  I knew that S was being evaluated, and I thought she was finished.  I thought her weekend anxiety was from her playing in the town soccer league.  Maybe I should have been more sensitive and taken a step back to think of what else it could be. I’m not asking for school to tell me everything.  I understand the need to filter and let some time pass to see how things pan out.   But the bottom line, as her parents, why would we be the last to know about our own child?  particularly when she is clearly having these anxiety manifestations in school and at home?  Isnt’ there something wrong with that in itself?????

sudden signs

Recently, over the past 2 weeks, my husband and I have seen a slight rise in anxiety with S.  It has been mostly over the weekend, with the anticipation with soccer.  We’ve come to see the signs.  S has a shorter temper, snappy responses, whiny questions, and transitions are difficult.  If she is tired, forget it!  Asking her to come to the table for a meal, even if she is hungry, is met with yelling and stomping.  Telling her to go to the bathroom before we go somewhere is followed with more yelling and hitting the couch.  Having her put her jacket and shoes on is combatted with cries and kicking at the ground.  These events don’t happen every transition nor everyday.  But when they are on the rise, we know something is going on.

We had a crazy, busy weekend, and it was a trillion degrees here.  S’s soccer game was mid-day and easily 90 degrees.  Way too hot.  We met good friends for lunch, and it was again, way too hot.  We thought going into the school week, S might have been tired.  Still, I wasn’t prepared for Tuesday’s reactions.

The morning started fine.  S woke up very early, and led a happy morning.  She played, ate breakfast, and we got ready to go to OT with Kev.  We got there a little early, but she was fine.  Sometimes when we have to wait for something “too long”, S can get a little restless and whiny.  But this day, she was fine, pleasant, and had a great session.  Usually, we race home, gulp down lunch, and turn around to go to school for an early OT session at school.  All that in 30 minutes so she doesn’t have to get pulled out of the classroom.   She loves her school OT and likes the friend she has it with.  

This day, I changed the routine.  On nice weathered Wednesdays, we meet friends for lunch at the park before school.  But Wednesday was supposed to rain, so we met on Tuesday.  S and M ate lunch with their friends, and went off to play.  My allergies were acting up horribl,y and I started to get some hives.  I was miserable. I just wanted to get home.  S and M didn’t give me any problems leaving, but S was wondering why none of her friends were coming.  She asked me several times in the 5 min it took to go to school.  I said that they would be there soon.  We got to the lobby of school, and S’s OT was waiting for her, only her friend hadn’t shown up.  I quickly told S I was going.  Normally, I would say, “have fun” or “enjoy yourself”. This time, I was quick and abrupt, and said, “Ok. I’m going to go.”  S burst into tears and said she wanted to go home, too.  I gave her a hug and quieted her down, and she perked up when her OT offered to stop at the water fountain.  And off they went.  I talked to the OT later, and she said the session was fine. 

  During dinner, S’s eyes welled with tears, and she said, “I just wanted to go home.”  She got over it very quickly.  An hour later, same thing.  After her bath, as she laid in my bed looking at books, watching a short video, same thing.  I put M to bed early that day since she didn’t nap so S got my full attention.  Dad was coming home late.  We read her bedtime books, and I tucked her into bed.  As I gave her a kiss, S burst into teras.  She was really bawling.  Very loudly.  She said she didnt’ want to go to school anymore.  She didn’t want to go to bed anymore.  I was miffed.  I sat with S for 20 min, wiping her tears with a tissue, rubbing her back, calming her down.  She would calm down, and then start to cry again.  It took her 40 min to finally pass out. 

I sat by myself thinking what the hell happened?????  I  sent emails to her OT, her outside OT Kev, her teacher, everyone.  I was so miffed.  And my heart was wrenching seeing my first “baby” so obviously anxious and upset.  She couldn’t explain what it was all about, just that she wanted to be home.  It’s the most helpless feeling.  I couldn’t order her to feel better and stop crying.  I couldn’t protect her and shield her from whatever was raising her hackles.  

When she breaksdown like that from anxiety, it’s hard for me to decide if I should not necessarily coddle her, but give that long shove of TLC, or do we go tough love.  Often, the TLC makes S cry even harder or prolongs it all.  Sometimes tough love cuts it off, and she moves on faster.  It’s such a difficult line for me to figure out.  Does anyone truly know which is the “right” way?? Tough love seems heartless. And cutting it off, while it makes S move on, doesn’t necessarily address what is bothering her.  But the “coddling” approch (which it’s not really coddling, but I can’t think of the right word for it), can make it last a LONG LONG time.  S settles down until I let go and try to move forward.  Then it starts all over again.  I try a combo of the 2.  Does anyone else do anything differently?

Wednesday was a bit better, but still a difficult time going down for the night.

Either way, this was a sudden, but DEFINITE sign…..something is amuck in the world of my S.  And she is letting us know.  This is her way of saying, “HELP ME!”  Kids always let you know one way or another that something is going on with them.  We just need to learn to read the signs, and realize that they are indeed flags.  Only then can we start asking questions to all those involved in the child’s life to help figure out what the source is.  We don’t always pinpoint it, or know for sure.  But as their parents, doesn’t our conscience compel us to do right by our kids?

is it okay to bribe your child?

We had our 2nd week of PreK soccer.  It was a late morning game and a zillion degrees.  S spent almost the entire hour hopping in and out of her dad’s lap.  She was very restless and HOT!!!!  At one point, she ran onto the field, and we were stunned.  As soon as play resumed, S ran back off the field into the safe haven of dad’s arms.  I felt quite strongly that we wouldn’t push S if she didn’t want to play.  We wanted to let the choice come from her.  Towards the end, I asked my husband if we should just try a small bribe.  I have seen and heard parents make all kinds of bribes to their children.  Come on, most of us are guilty of it.  I tell my 3 year old that if she finishes her bowl of strawberries, she can have a go-gurt (yogurt in the tube).  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  I haven’t decided how I actually feel about bribing my kids, but is there a difference between that and rewards?

Anyway, S loves Dora ice cream bars from the ice cream truck.  I’m not one to buy ice crem from the trucks often.  (although I have bought more in 2009 so far than I have in all of 2008. )  I heard the announcement that 1-2 min left in the game.  And I told S if she ran out there to play that I’d buy it for her.  I made it clear that she didn’t have to, and we wouldn’t get the Dora I.C. if she chose not to and that was okay.  S definitely thought about it. She said YES!  I yelled to the coach that she wanted in, and she looked kind of surprised.  S ran out and almost as quickly changed her mind.  I reminded her of her reward, and she went back.  She held the coach’s hand and ran along the field for the last min.  She never made it closer than 15 feet to the action, but it didn’t matter to us.  S, with a nudge and upped antee, was out there.  Wasn’t that a step in the right direction?  Do the ends justify the means?

The flip side of this story is one of frustration for me and S.  It was so hot this weekend.  There should have been no problem finding or hearing an I.C. truck anywhere.  Can you believe I was unable to find 1??!!!  We listened in the neighborhood, we drove around to every park that ALWAYS has one parked.  NOTHING.  S was okay with the idea of getting a cone somewhere else, or a slurpee at 7-11 (God Bless you for your flexibility on that issue!), but she still asks, “Where are the trucks?  Can I still get one next time?  Is it still a promise?”  How can I say no?  I think in this situation the follow through is very important.  An immediate gratification might have been the best, but no can do this time.  Seriously, where were all the trucks this weekend??????????  It just wasn’t meant to be.

I thought it was great that S got in the game because I offered to buy the Dora bar.  But what happens for each game after?  Will she go in at all if I don’t offer a reward at the end?  Have I set up a bad system, that doesn’t come from her own nature and will?

not getting out of bed

I heard once that depression in children appear as chronic irritability.  That has always stuck with me.  I had something concrete to go by when observing my students or my children.  

When S was 3 1/2 and started a new school year, she was in the 3s class.  All her friends from the 2 1/2 y. olds were there, plus a few others.  She went from 11 kids to 16.  She had 2 very lovely teachers, whom I enjoyed.  One was warm and super friendly and loud.  The other was pleasant, calm, a little more reserved, but nice.  S liked them both although she was happier around the more exuberant teacher.  She barely cried the first day, and didn’t cry after that. 3 weeks into the school year, I signed her up for Lunch Bunch with a couple of friends.  It was an hour of lunch and some play.  I thought she would enjoy it.  The LB teachers told me she didn’t want to eat lunch and cried.  But then she would go off and play.  The didn’t allow play until after lunch was eaten.  The cycle continued.  S would come home and tell me she had to listen carefully.  She had to be good at school.  I reaffirmed it and nodded my head.  She would burst into tears.  

In the mornings, when she woke up, I would walk into her room, and S would refuse to get up.  She just wanted to lay awake, look out the window, and stare, sucking her thumb.  It was a struggle to get her dressed, teeth brushed, and eat breakfast and go to school.  She would fight me.  Nothing worked.  Then she would get worked up every time we had to leave the house…to go to school, to run an errand, anything. She tantrumed each time.  She would take a nap in the afternoon, and wake up.  Same thing that happened in the morning began the late afternoon.  S REFUSED to get up.  She didn’t say anything, just curled up in a ball, looked out the window, sucking her thumb.  

I tried everything.  I even left her, thinking “This is a happy kid who loves to play, and can’t wait to get up.  She’ll come around on her own.”  Each day, she stayed longer and longer and never came out.  She spent over an hour one sunny day in bed, not moving.  The more I forced her to do anything, the worse the reaction.   She still had happy moments when she was engaged in play, and once we got to school, she was okay, until the last 15 min of the day.  As they got their coats on, S would start to cry in a panic state.  Unconsolable and unexplicably by her.  She was such a happy child that all this behavior was very strange.  S’s teachers asked me to pick her up 15 min early everyday for about month to help her out.  

But what happened to my happy child, who jumped out of bed, and couldn’t wait to get the day started?  She didn’t have chronic irritability, but she wasn’t being her normal self.  She fell apart of most transitions throughout the day, just tantrumed….kicked at the ground, stomped her feet, screamed, fell to the floor if I held her hand to lead her.  She was REALLY trying my patience.  PLUS we had an 18 mnth old who was starting to really get her tantrum strides going, too.  I was at my wits end.  It would go on for about 6 weeks.

I talked to friends, the pediatrician, family. Everyone was miffed.  I talked to S’s teachers who said other than the last 15 min, they said she was fine in school. I happened to talk with S’s speech therapist, Step, about it.  She told me to make a physical schedule, w/pictures. I could draw them or take pics of S doing it.  It showed getting dressed, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, going to school.  She wanted me to take a pic of S and I getting in the car and some of her friends going to LB to show that I always picked her up and some people still went to LB.  To show S it was okay not to go to LB but others would still go on.  It helped a lot.  I gave S stickers for each step she did without protest.  Some days were better than others, but overall, we were making progress.

By mid-Nov, things were getting back on track.  Transitions would continue to be especially hard until maybe even January.  But S was at least getting out of bed, and okay to start the day. LB was dropped from the schedule.  Strangely enough, to this very day, S gets very anxious when picking up M from school.  We get a straight away view of the LB room and teachers, and she runs by as fast as she can, as if feeling from a bad nightmare.  I have no idea what it is about the teachers in LB or LB itself.  

My eyes still well up thinking of those 6 weeks, and the 4-6 weeks after.  How quickly my lively and happy girl disappeared.  I fear sometimes, with her anxieties, if we push her too hard, or introduce new things too quickly, that we may be back there.  My heart breaks sometimes thinking how hard it must have been for her and not have the ability to tell me what’s bothering her.  Even now, when I see her anxieties rise, her fingers go into her mouth and she chomps HARD on her nails and cuticles, I feel so bad.  Of course, I don’t let that part show.  I try to remain calm and even nonchalant, but I’m very strong about the fact that we push forward through it.  It’s a challenging line for me to follow.  On one hand, I just want to hold her and sheild S from her fears.  Be her fierce protector.  On the other hand, S needs to try new things, and see things through, even if it’s difficult.  It’s the only way for her to learn and grow from her experiences, to know that she is better for it on the other side.

S’s neurologist told us to continue introducing new things in a fun way.  The more she practice she got, the more S would learn that things don’t have to be rigid and the same all the time.  She is already so much better about new things than she used to be, but it’s still a process for all of us.  I pray we never see that child that only wanted to lay in bed, fetal position, staring blankly out the window.  I pray that all we are doing, S’ efforts, and S’s maturity continue to propel us forward.  In the end, so much of this is out of my control, and that idea in itself is not something I take well.  But as long as we see progress, then I have to count my blessings that someone is looking out for all of us.